Retreat, refocus, rethink, react

Retreat, refocus, rethink, react

I have an addiction problem, one that is more deeply rooted then drugs or alcohol. I put on masks as if im living a masquerade, I like to pretend Im strong that my life is okay. That I must quickly work through my emotions and I need to be better then depression. I tell myself I must be in control and I must be perfect because of my dreams, the goals in my life especially around careers. I must get through everything by myself because no one wants to hear about the hurt or what you are going through as they have their own problems. Funny thing is I dont know who I can turn to if I did need help as I dont have those relationships or connections with people. Creating boundaries or respecting boundaries I try to hard. Making friends tend to be hard because I tend to be akward socially and never have had role models and mentors.  Funny thing is okay maybe its not funny my life is so uncomfortable as I dont know how to live without drugs or alcohol or anything else for that matter. My whole life had been about living a life of escape of some sort, and I am really trying to live a life that isnt about escape and I dont know how and I feel like I am going insane. I more comfortable in my skin however most dont know how to handle me so they dont try because in truth i dont know how to handle myself and most only see the past. It is not helping I work, minimally sleep, dont have time to clean my room or take care of basic needs as I make sure im going to meetings being completely recovery oriented. Being ADHD and a slew of mental health diagnoses. I feel like life has been sucked out of me. Recovery teaches me to live life on life's terms. The more I work my programs, do service etc the more uncomfortable I become and the more I feel I am in flight or fight. My disease tells me im a mess and also people will ever see is the addict me before I had skills and why bother changing. Im surrounded by many people and still feel like im the one odd one out ths t no one wants when it comes to pick teams.

We went off most psych meds, but reintroducing lamitical. While things are going well for me im feeling defeated andv font understand why. Im feeling list in the shuffle and scared about things and yet I can't Identify either.  But im noticing more judgemental and temper. And why I have no plan nor desire to harm or kill myself the thoughts of jumping off the overpass keep popping up even though brief. Im wanting to escape and the vehicles that have made it possible before have been disabled. Maybe im doing everything right, and what sobriety and steps teaches me which I should have learned years ago has brought me to that akward overwhelming place and learning everything in less than a year period since working with this sponsor. Working multiple programs might not help but finding it is necessary.  Mental health is hard to share with people, just as suicide and other things because most people tend to be busy with their own lives or they think you are just looking for attention. 32 years of living and just now re learning how to live.

Cry for help, everything is not okay, be strong  is exhausting,  Wish I knew what was wrong

Sometimes it feels like the serenity prayer will make it to the fourth step as it simply doesnt seem to work

Relationships in Recovery:

The NA workbook is painstakingly thorough.  Im grateful this part of my sobriety, after just  completely the steps I asked my sponsor if we can do the steps again from the workbook this time. I did not know what I was getting myself into. I would not have been ready until now to do this and be thorough about my addiction. I told my Higher Power I wanted to get back into writing, this isnt what I meant....

I can not, nor will not, i realized be in a relationship with an addict who doesn't work a program,  do the steps, work with a sponsor as my program for recovery,  my solution won't allow it. Even in non relationships  im told I hide behind my recovery. I don't hide I live it. I know what awaits me if I relapse.  I realized as im doing my stepwork the thought of a partner relapsing when in a relationship scares me as I don't know if I'd be strong enough to not go out with my partner.

When I came to these rooms I had anger, resentments, stubborness, and thought I knew everything. I was newly diagnosed HIV+ within the last month. I went to meetings by freak chance after I stopped in the Castro Country Club for coffee and someone invited me into a meeting not knowing what it was, I went because I had nothing else to do. I shared how angry I was over last couple months and how Crystal destroyed my life. I found a sponsor or he found me. Still unsure what a sponsor was, I was sure I need a sponsor.  At least I had met someone in the city. I half assed worked the steps as I got bored quickly and stopped doing step work and stopped going to meetings.  I had gotten clean by myself and was doing a good job taken care of things in my will. After I hit a year meetings were fewer and far between until non existent. By the time 2 years was approaching I was putting feelers out manipulating the situation about looking for drugs and I found.

My stubborness and willfulness got me sober again without my program and I left for my film production to trip in 2012. And I was using and slamming meth and coke. More so the coke. I ruined by chances on a soap opera as i was still coming down 2 weeks from time production rolled around. I also allowed not having a program to work ruin relationships with people because i had to be the badass and full of resentments? Whats a fourth step? Then on the trip when I hit Iowa my disease of alcoholism took over and I drank like a fish to deal with people. One day I had enough and put the glass down. I was a social drinker right? But I did it myself again just stopped but I got a sponsor anyways when I got back to San Francisco.

Here I became willful again I knew what was good for me so I started to push my sponsor away because she made me face myself. She kept it real. I wanted an excuse to use. I went to meetings, worked the steps, half assed did service commitments and I was a mess and holding hostages. Therapy helped some, DBT was a godsend, but I creating wreckage and I did not know how to stop. So I got a new sponsor after treating the previous one like shit inadvertently not because I wanted to but I was afraid to take down my walls and She was breaking through and my defense mechanism from past abuse is to run and push people away. Psych meds were out of control as well. I got a new sponsor, worked with 4 sponsored started to be accountable to service and then I started getting bored and I let down my guard and I went out.

I was out and could not get more than a week clean. Did not help I was doing 40 different things, OD'd, and used because I beat myself up, then beat myself up for using and the cycle happened. It became about the ritual, the next high, filming it, romanticizing it, finding new ways to slam and making list of fetishes to incorporate slamming into. I became obsessed mentally over things and willing to cross every hard limit. I came back not because i wanted to but because I was worried about what others thought and that initial saved my life while creating resentments and apathy for a program, fellowship,  people, and ultimately at myself. I blamed living in the tenderloin and my dealers living in my building, but I got sober in the tenderloin. The difference in my life today is I learned that my stubbornness was only going to get me killed or in jail, my will was no longer enough. I learned what surrender was to a power greater than myself, that I was broken and shattered, that I can not live without working and living a program of recovery daily in all aspects of my life, being of service,  having three sponsors and learned through the program how to live life on life's terms. While I can not be an arbitrator of another's program or solution I know better than to settle. Ive come a long way. Ideally I want someone sober in my life but I refused to be unequally yoked in knowing what Promises guarantee and in serenity, peace, sanity and not being able to share the most intimate parts of my life that recovery brings me. Normies are nice but when knows.  I am grateful for the gifts of recovery in my life. And the foundation I have today. It's hard to admit this. I would like to believe some people don't need the rooms, i actually do believe it. I just know me. A partner not making the rooms part of their life as an addict/alcoholic I would use it as an excuse not to go to meetings or work a program either. Maybe this isnt realistic,  I don't know, I just know what I spent the last 5 hours thinking about and all I can do is surrender the rest to a Higher Powers Will. I say this as I get obsessive and controllng on how things should/need be in my life that its not always practical.  I just know what I feel in this moment and that is my recovery comes first.  Truthfully I  think everyone regardless if they have an addiction problem or not should work the steps as it is helpful in lives, but me trying to describe the joy, love,  healing and beauty working a program of recovery in its entirety is like describing colors to a blind person.  It needs to be experienced.

You had me at hi -150 words

"You had me at hi," he said. "Really? Wait are you talking to me?" was the response. Here a tall beautiful blued eyed very good looking man stood in front of me, who cared about the blood all over his shirt. He stopped when I said hi, most just keep on walking. "Yes I am talking to you who else would I be talking to?" I looked around to see if anyone was around. "You have amazing eyes," I stated. "Thank you, you are simply beautiful yourself." I don't know if I'm starved for love but the hand hanging out of his messenger bag didn't bother me for some strange reason. "You are not from around here are you?" he asked inquisitively. "No I just moved here.'' "Hmmm, Well I'm throwing a party, I can introduce you to others?" "I'd like that." "My name's Hannibal." "Jessica." I'm a little short-handed"………

Silent Deadly Disease-- Robin Williams did not Kill himself

Addiction and Mental Health can be and often times is a deadly disease. Combine the two and it becomes even deadlier. Ive known people tragically loss to both, i see it in the eyes of some in and out if the rooms or those I pass on the street. I saw it monthly if not weekly in the Tenderloin at my place at the Ambassador, hell if it hadn't been for Harlan in Aug 2013 as he would tell you it was me. I was lucky to be pulled out of the roach infested, feces covered, trash litter, junk piled space as if you looked into my eyes my disease of addiction and mental health was killing me quickly and the light had all but gone out. I dont share this to be look at me but to illustrate a picture what people dont see. It consumes and kills it removes choice and rationale from us. This is a very well put well articulated piece and would encourage highly that people read this. If people can learn one thing i would encourage people to reserve judgement as these are often silent diseases and people are crying for help louder than you think, but because we are a society to busy and detached from on another we do not see or hear what is screaming right in front of us.

#Breakingthestigma
#Voicesthatcare
#sufferinginsilence
#Breakthesilence
#Letthewallsfalldown

the following blog link is not of my authorship but a piece a think all should read.  note after this was posted on Facebook also found out he had Parkinson's Disease

http://popchassid.com/robin-williams-didnt-kill/

God said love your enemy

God said "Love your Enemy," and I obeyed Him and loved myself  - Khalil Gibran

Al-anon Ah-ha moment

That moment when you get that ah-ha Al-anon moment and it finally becomes clear and makes sense.

In Al-anon we learn to accept the things we cannot change (the alcoholic) and change the things we can (ourselves). To recover we have to learn to keep the focus on ourselves. [Insert whatever qualifiers for alcoholic].... By letting go of the illusion of control over other people, their actions, and their addiction to Alcohol, we find an enormous burden is lifted and we begin to discover the freedom and the power we do possess- the power to define and live our own lives- Unmanageability lessens. We begin to see the paths to our own recovery......
Pg 9-10 Paths to Recovery — reading Paths to Recovery Al-anon's steps, traditions, and concepts.

feeling not my best

I'm finding it hard to surrender my fears on health matters. Neuropathy has reared its ugly head again in full force, chronic fatigue has been persistent, my hands and legs are on pins and needles. I'm not walking as well either and I'm waking up just as exhausted. And sick and nauseous. Its been a couple years I have felt like this outside of addiction. I'm correlating this with the only thing different in my life is stress and working graveyards

I refuse to go back to a life of being miserable and in poor health

#Igothis
#somethinghastogive
#Buyingtime
#Iseealight

Answers and strengthening

I'm grateful for the rooms and recovery programs i belong to. Both meetings I heard exactly what my Higher Power wanted me to hear and what I needed to hear. Ive been in pain and anguish over something as of late, and been asking and praying for guidance in this matter and as I walk to work I'm doing my daily 10th step in my head asking have I done everything humanly possible in these situations, and the answer was NO. While it may not change anything, the steps my program teaches me i need to he honest in all my doings and part of being honest is sharing how I feel about what is going on and whats happening. That things can not continue the way things are going, and i need to stand by my boundaries and not budge. Knowing i am not going to drink or use over the situation then I have an obligation in good faith to let this other party do with the info as they wish and go from there. I have been strengthened by my fellowships as I reached out in time of need and only after I share whats going on then i can surrender the process. I seek divine guidance in being able to Speak up and Woman up as i am a strong woman. 

Answers and strengthening

I'm grateful for the rooms and recovery programs i belong to. Both meetings I heard exactly what my Higher Power wanted me to hear and what I needed to hear. Ive been in pain and anguish over something as of late, and been asking and praying for guidance in this matter and as I walk to work I'm doing my daily 10th step in my head asking have I done everything humanly possible in these situations, and the answer was NO. While it may not change anything, the steps my program teaches me i need to he honest in all my doings and part of being honest is sharing how I feel about what is going on and whats happening. That things can not continue the way things are going, and i need to stand by my boundaries and not budge. Knowing i am not going to drink or use over the situation then I have an obligation in good faith to let this other party do with the info as they wish and go from there. I have been strengthened by my fellowships as I reached out in time of need and only after I share whats going on then i can surrender the process. I seek divine guidance in being able to Speak up and Woman up as i am a strong woman. 

Pen to Paper- being restored to sanity Aug 2, 2014

My sponsor recently told me he wants me to put pen to paper before putting it into digital format, to make my thoughts more tangible. What better way than now. I'm feeling restless and uncomfortable at the moment as I am here at work in a vast empty room alone to my own thoughts. I have never been able to watch "Pulp Fiction" all the way through, I've only seen bits and pieces to it and I don't think I have ever seen the beginning of it, if I had I don't remember otherwise I wouldn't have tried watching it. Within the first 15 minutes of it I am guessing I was put into a bad headspace….. I was put into this headspace after they showed the flash of blood. The vibrant red swirl from pulling back the syringe plunger and as a visual person that visual was powerful enough to freak me out and took me back to the end of my addiction when it became about the ritualization more so than using. I had enter into a dark realm where I did not believe there was an escape to ever be had. I was willing to cross every hard limit I had and would have landed in jail and or death. All reason was gone, the drugs had control and there wasn't any humanely escape. I had had enough but I was trapped. I fell flat on my face metaphorically; I was broken and shattered, I was lost. I am exhausted as I write this, but it's good to write this.
I am connected and interconnected today in the fellowships because of service. Service keeps me sober especially at the levels I am in service. I was lifted out of darkness when I had no human will left, I was done and defeated and that is when I found redemption and restoration in a will and within a Power Greater than myself. I was restored to sanity which no human power could do and I learned to surrender and let it go. Through the use of and the incorporation of the steps, working with a sponsor, being of service, going to meetings, and the use of CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy not Cock Ball Torture for my perverted friends) and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills a new foundation had been laid and I started to see the miracles of sobriety or Promises transform my life for the better. I was no longer allowed to sit in judgment of myself nor was I allowed to use labels to demonize myself. I found an interconnectedness within the Divine that wasn't codependent on faith or religion. I begin to love myself, believe I was worth it, that I deserve good things and a great life. In doing so I got the job, the place, gave up my subsidies, working on getting off social security and most importantly I learned to be present, to belong to myself so that I could unselfishly belong to others. I acknowledge that I haven't worked a perfect program that I have worked saved my life. I'm living life on life's terms and this solution has gotten to me where I am today. I know a new sense of belonging. The feelings of emptiness and loneliness have disappeared and I am finding new ways of interconnecting in the Divine. Today I get to nurture the goddess within. I'm still having a hard time shaking the visualization from the movie but it lessens as I keep writing pen to paper. I am reminded how destructive my addiction was when the tears started to roll, how the thought and images raced through m y head after seeing it on the screen , the exact thing I brooded and ritualized over in the end of my active addiction and I just felt like I was ripped open. I would rather be singled tailed right now in the moment. I find myself grateful that the desire to drink and use was lifted a long time ago.

Nonsense- 150 Words

The fish glides through the air

The bird swims the depths of the sea

The sun brings night

The moon brings day

Father gives birth

Mother lights a cigar

Life ends

Death continues

The Cheshire frown

The Grouch Smiles

Zero is more

One hundred is Less

Lipstick makes the man

Beards makes the woman

Studios are the new Castle

Castles are rubble

Atheist believes in God

Christian doesn't believe

Gay is straight

Straight is Gay

Robots are sexualized

Man becomes asexual

Wigs on horses

Manes on men

50 Shades is a children's book

Hop on Pop is adult novel

The righteous find hell

Heaven is destroyed

Dogs talk

Humans bark

Disease is the cure

The cure is diseased

Mind's Eye

Life is a lie

We are someone else's dream

Crazy is Normal

Normal is Crazy

Topsy Turvy

Right side down

Upside Up

Bathing in shit

Fish fly birds swim

Nonsense

 

 

Oubliette- 150 words

I draw a window in the oubliette of my mind
I see trees, and rivers, mountains, unicorns, demons, gargoyles, angels, stars and space
And yet a wall stares back at me
The trapdoor in which I had arrived through has long been sealed shut like Pandora's Box
Probably better this way as the world is ill prepared to deal with what's in my mind
Maybe I will walk the labyrinth and meditate in the Chaos
That Usually Helps
I find myself distracted, dazed, confused
The gates to the labyrinth are locked and won't open
It's probably better that way
I'm feeling too lazy to walk
I would like to read
I like reading
There are no more books
I used the paper to make paper cranes
The paper cranes flew away
Now I am alone
Wake Up

Seeking financial stability by being self-sustaining

As I sit here at work at the old Pacific Bell Building in the excelsior, I have to be grateful I have a job. While this may not be the most glamorous post, it's one of the easiest posts, the hard part is staying awake. I have my laptop when I decide to use it, I keep a strip cord and extension cord in my bag to keep my phone and things charged as I stare at the generator making sure nothing happens to it or its cords. I have been working grave yards for a month now 6 days a week, 56-64 hour work weeks. I hate graves but it leaves options during the day. I like my evenings free for recovery meeting. Already tonight I watched Titan A.E and currently watching Abraham Lincoln Vampire Slayer. I am grateful for the work and the hours, but as soon as this POST ends then what, how many hours will I get then as I am shuffled to the next on. Shuffled like cards is what my life has been the last almost 7 month bouncing from POST to POST as I am a flex officer. I am grateful this job has given me the vehicle to return to full time work, pursue professional license in this field, place sobriety first and fairly good about working around my schedule even if its going over my schedulers head, allowed me to move and become self-sustaining, and return me to a better place today than where I was in Utah before the drugs before I moved to San Francisco. This has become Katerina's Legacy. With all this I deserve more, I am worth more, and I aim for higher. I am doing what I need to if it be the will of the Divine that I will make upwards of 35 plus an hour, that I will be able to travel, pay off debt, buy a house and live comfortably, pay for my breast augmentation which is about 6000, have a savings and invest, and begin my family. I make enough money now where my needs are met but it's still pay check to paycheck living I still have to go without at times of things I could use to is there money next pay, its call being an adult. I can make a pretty good career in security, I am still looking at corrections or police department. I just can't see myself with Securitas much longer as I need a permanent POST, hopefully an East Bay POST and I need more than 14.00/hr if I want to be debt free in 5 years. With Surgery in less than a year, with me looking at Rio and possibly Europe next year, buying a house within 8-10 years steps are being made to live the High Class life I desire. One of my greatest accomplishments is working hard to have a financial foundation where I can invest in my future, as I given myself the greatest gift of getting of Social Security. Social Security and Social Security Disability gave me a vehicle I needed to give me a break in life, to work on Katerina and discover what I wanted in my new life, and work on tasking drastic measures to improve my health and quality of life. I am grateful I was able to work through addiction in this period of time because it gave me a strong foundation in every aspect of my life and a reconnection in the Divine. I am confident that with addictive addiction out of the way, I can succeed in just about anything I set my mind too if it is in the will of my Higher Power. I just recently took my firearm class, my handcuff and pepper spray class, applied for my TWIC card and will be getting my taser and baton licenses for armed guard, as well as taking self-defense classes. For someone who was afraid of my own shadow and gave upon hope just a year ago, I have taken remarkable strides. Marcus with Loss Prevention Group is going to help secure better jobs, at least give the leads, and the Ports of Oakland and San Francisco are Hiring once I have my TWIC. Will I stay in the Bay Area I don't know, but I do know I want to buy a house out here and have a place if nothing else to appreciate in value and a place whenever I am home. My dream is to have my houses that I design built. I dream big, I aspire big, and I sacrifice now to make the Life I want a reality. I hope that with a new company, a permanent POST, Set hours, and higher pay I can start interconnecting more verses just showing up for life. I'm on track to make over 30k this year maybe if I can change things soon over 50k, not bad for not working in 4 years. Even better that I don't need to look at sex work as an option as once was a means to provide for needs, even though the thrills and travel was nice. I want to go back to school for Criminal Justice maybe after things are paid off I would love to be a detective. Who knows what my future holds, but I do know one thing and that is my possibilities are limitless and I have an exceptional life. One thing I do know I do need to find an accountant and someone to help me manage my finances. I love myself and am immensely proud of myself.

Blessings of Light and Love in the Divine

Lady Katerina

Honesty doesn't always get us what we want, but gets us what we need

I love when I wake up that my life has new definition, new meaning, that I am able to look in the mirror and love the reflection I see today. I've learned Honesty doesn't always get us what we want, but gets us what we need. I read in an article about SF Pride not allowing The Californi National/Air Guard to march in the Pride or have a booth at Pride because they weren't accepting of transgenders. In the article it ststed that the guard was in fact open to trans, intersex, gender variant to joining. While part of my motives were political, i really did want to Join the Air Guard. I figured if I got in, Gary Virginia (whom i have the utmost respect for) and the Pride Board would have to allow the Guard to march next year. See I was briefly in the Navy in 2000, DADT was the issue being intersex and them not believing me when I reported I was raped, alcohol was also involved as I was 18. So I recieved a general under honorable discharge and a RE-4 reenlistment code. Later I tried to join the Utah National Guard went through the process and everything including the physical and was set to get in and they found out about my perjury charge from 5 years earlier that I conveniently failed to mention, that and i was trans which I was once again hiding I was intersex. I have had a problem with honesty and usually has a way of biting me in the butt. So when i read they except trans into the air guard I was so happy as I have another chance. The recruiter after a game of phone tag got ahold of me and I already made the decision to be honest and forthright. After we talked he wanted to move forward with the process, and I was so happy.  He then asked about drug use, and I told him straight out I am a recovering drug addict with almost a year clean. Unfortunately any drug use minus some marijuana is disqualifying if you have used at any point of your life.  Obviously my Higher Power has something else in mind for me while the CA Air Guard is not in my cards, I can close my eyes when I go to bed knowing just for today I was honest in my dealings with my fellow man and I am living life on life's terms. Knowing what I know now, I'd be honest still if had to do it again; I sacrificed myself in my addiction and did not lije where that took me, I will not sacrifice myself again. Honor, Integrity, Discipline, Service.

I would recommend anyone LGBTQ to join the guard as their mission is to be affirming and a great way to serve your country in a military community that accepts you. They are hiring.

Blessings and service in the light

Lady Katerina

Sunday Morning Blessing and Meditation for July 27, 2014

Blessed Be to the Divine Light. love within and love I share is abundant in my life, may the goddess within be nurtured so the woman on the outside continuously finds joy. Hail to the Guardians, the spirits and Guides may be honored as I supplicate for wisdom and direction. Honor and glory in the Holy Work and praises and song to the Holy Family this Morning, Heavenly Father, Mother God (Mother Nature/Nurture), and Lord Christ Emmanuel.
May those suffering and those we have lost be comforted in the Ethereal Divine Light, may those in war torn countries such as Gaza and others know love and if in your divine will a cease to this holy war. May your special angels and witnesses of those in the LGBTTQQHHIPAA communities know and be loved in a personal relationship in the Divine and the tongues of men and the banners And mantras of hate silenced and blindness awaken. I offer up tribute as I among others pray for safety among the SF Marathon Community today, the Leather Kink Community at Dore Alley (Up your Alley). May we grow and be open to the teachings of ALL Sacred texts and find commonality and interconnectedness in each of ours humanness and within our wholeness. May our lives be filled with sacred and spiritual shelters. I ask for continuous grounding and light, a non judgmental and sober Spirit. May all who read and see this find comfort in their own personal devotion and belief systems. In the name of the Savior. blessed Be. amen

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding. For by me thy days shall be multiplied, and the years of thy life shall be increased. Proverbs 9.10-11

Sober Thoughts by Katerina G du Lac

Never sneeze on a sleeping dogs or you might not like when the favor is returned

Facebook, a Spiritual Shelter?

As I continuously take inventory in my life, and most often than not post it on Facebook, in realization Facebook has become a spiritual shelter of sorts in my life. I started thinking about spiritual and sacred spaces in my life after I spent a day for me after finishing my firearms class for work. 

"I came into the city to connect since I had a Thursday off and needed to break the monotony of work and sobriety. What I found, was the Divine guiding my feet to the steps of the Castro Country Club where I fell into a conversation of interconnectedness and relationships in the Divine; in engaging in the enlightenment among spirit travelers my desire to connect led into the timing of a woman's meeting of my sister's where the topic being connectedness and connections with others graced us. Also a phenomenal share given by a sister of the group.

I've given the reins of my life to the Divine Light a while ago in all aspects of my life and as I grow in the spiritual self and embrace the inner goddess I thus bring my faith religion into a wholeness that is built on interconnectedness; and in doing so becoming more empowered and in tune with the ethereal offerings and gifts that are continuously offered to and through me." -Facebook Post July 24, 2014

As I sat in Panda Express in the Westfield Mall in San Francisco, on the screen they were showing the picture of the Forbidden City, in Bejing and talking about gardens that served as spiritual shelters from and within the world. So I started to think what serves as my gardens and spiritual shelters in my life where I can escape, but often most times embrace life in the good and the bad withing my life. My life has been about interconnecting and connecting, learning to belong to myself first and then only when I am able to belong to others. Sobriety for me became a transformation in my life this time around and has allowed me to reconnect with in the Divine.  As a lightworker, indigo child, empath, healer and clergy I have found serenity once again in life because as the words from Disney's Frozen "Let it Go, Let it Go" poetically has become the Mantra within my life as I learned to let things go and where I hid in addiction and in the demonization of labels, Social Media such as Facebook had allowed me to share my journey and become transparent but first and foremost has become my virtual diary in the celebration of my life. So as I commuted back to Oakland I wrote the following as I found myself in reflection in the day I have had so far.

What once was my den of self loathing, resentments, ego tripping, and masquerading has become a beautiful garden of interconnectedness.  It has become a  looking glass into the garden of authenticity, no longer falling down the proverbial rabbit hole with the Cheshire cat grinning and annoyingly taunting you with it doesn't matter which way you go because you need to wake up and face reality and begin living life on life's terms. What I find in this garden of enchantment, my spiritual shelter is a garden that is self sustaining  but one also that cultivates one another in experience, strength, hope, love, friendship, family values, sex, spirituality, and more.  Its a place of connections and those connections are the flora and fauna of our circles, of our interwebs. We prune, cultivate, and weed these relationships and prosper in many ways and like the rare bloom to the common bloom we see the beauty in the season of the harvest.  In sobriety I've learned to walk a spiritual path enlightened in the Divine ethereal light, one that transcends life in commonality non dependent upon faith and religion, an universal power that interweaves energy and interconnectedness into the fabric of humanity into unlimited possibilities that guides an individual only named in personal devotion that each person individualizes. Thus in the journey of self enlightenment we rely on on the strength and weaknesses of those around us to learn and propel our desires, ambitions, and life lessons in our humanness. For me I now find religion and faith secondary  to an interconnectedness with the Divine complementing the spiritual self or for me the goddess within as I so name.

  

Facebook has become this spiritual garden, spiritual and sacred space as it has manifested not into a shrine but a celebration of life, an education of learning to belong to myself so that I can unselfishly belong to others. It's about perpetuating the gifts given to me, the redemption and restoration of a sacred life within and sharing my journey to others find their life's design, their solution that they may not only know peace, joy, and serenity I've come to know but also the unconditional love and self acceptance in their lives that continuously manifests itself in my life.  When I took religion and faith out of the equation, the entrance to this sacred garden, sacred and spiritual shelter manifested itself as I learned to surrender to a Power greater than me transforming an oasis into something tangible ad that the Power Greater than myself, the Divine is simply interconnectedness.  Interconnectedness within myself, living within my wholeness and with those that grace my life with the gift of neutrality for I often find what we have thought was the bad later becomes what we needed in the moment upon reflection. Facebook allows me to be interconnected when times in my past I wish I wasn't and in this spiritual shelter has saved my life more than once especially in my addiction.  I found community, life, encouragement, friends, a mirror into my life people to call me out on my mess and help me clean it up, I found love.

"To me love is simply this definifition, which I in Jan 2013, and is the foundation for all love, "Love is about expressing and saying I SEE you, I HEAR you, I TRUST you, I SUPPORT you, I RESPECT you, I HONOR you, I FORGIVE you, I ACCEPT you, I STAND BESIDE you, I PRESENT for you, I CONNECT with you, I CARE for you, I DEFEND you, I KEEP IT REAL for you, I CALL OUT YOUR MESS then help you CLEAN it up. I am FAMILY to you, I'm your FRIEND, I SURRENDER to you to be able to be an EQUAL YOKE for you, I am THERE for you, and I EMBRACE you as the person you are." --- Copyright Katerina du Lac 2013 Owned by Katandi Media and Entertainment all rights reserved. Permission to you as long as work is credited"

Facebook is a form of a spiritual shelter that embraces my definition of love, as I am realitively guarded who I add as a friend and connect with; 90% of the people I have had personal connections and experiences in different times of my life even if I have only met virtually. This poem was written in 1967 by Lori Morgan, my aunt, and has provided inspiration and an uplifting to all who have read this poem.  This is our prayer that this will be just as uplifting to you you as it is to every one else.  The story is that these were words that God gave her on night as she awoke hearing these words in her head.  Today you can replace God with the Divine, Spirit, Interconnectedness, Friends

Heavenly Lift
"God … Is My Wisdom
God … Is My Light
God … Is My Power, Breath, and My sight
God … Is My Courage, Inspiration, and Health
God … Is My Guidance and Only True Wealth
God … Is My Love the Dove in My Soul
God … Is My Destiny
God … Is My Goal

                       Lori Morgan 1967

[In loving Memory of a mother, Aunt, and friend to all. Permission and rights given to me before she died. I was in Highschool when she sent this to me.  Copyright 2000 on behalf of Lori Morgan all rights reserved  Katandi Media and Entertainment] 

Those who are interconnected in my life through Facebook and other realms of interconnectedness become part of my sacred labyrinth and meditation wheel for my life as each and every person and event that graces my life, even if it is mere passing through, creates the person I am every moment in my wholeness. We are all here for a reason, just because we may or may not see the connection just yet doesn't mean it is not there. Sometimes sacrifice is needed to understand your part but you will get back what is given. I reflect on the labyrinth, I wear one around my neck and I walk in spirit keeping me grounded, I for inspiration, for life, for answers, for loss of friends like Edna and Ms Margaret. I walk for anchoring the light, for gratitude, and celebrating in the Divine. I walk to supplicate intercessory for those I watch around me I see suffering often through the Posts on Facebook , or divine guidance and inspiration in promptings. I allow myself to be open in humble non co dependent light that i may be in tune to do the Universe design for life, while i learn to live on life terms.  While I am not perfect, today I am reconnected and allow myself to be available in the fabric of interconnectedness.

Text inside the labyrinth

Imagine a circle traced on the ground, and in its center a tree sprouting with a shoot grafted into its side. The tree finds its nourishment in the soil within the expanse of the circle, but uprooted from the soil it would be fruitless. So think of the soul as a tree made for love and living only by love. The circle in which this tree's root, the soul's love, must grow is true knowledge of herself, knowledge that is joined to me, who like the circle have neither beginning nor end. You can go round and round within this circle, finding neither end nor beginning, yet never leaving the circle. So the tree of charity is nurtured in humility and branches out in true discernment. To me this tree yields the fragrance of glory and praise to my name, and so it does what I created it for and comes at last to its goal, to me, everlasting life. —St. Catherine of Siena (excerpts)

Walking Blessing

That each step

may be a shedding.

That you will let yourself

become lost.

That when it looks

like you’re going backwards

you may be making progress.

That progress is not the goal anyway,

but presence

to the feel of the path on your skin,

to the way it reshapes you

in each place it makes contact,

to the way you cannot see it

until the moment you have stepped out

As a recent skydiving trip taught me life is about unity among those in whom you are privileged and blessed to have graced their lives, its about leaving no one behind, and moving through life together. We are given the gift of being present for others and the opportunity to laugh, cry, and love; we get to love ourselves and then we get to love one another. For me this is the greatest miracles in my sobriety, being present and showing up for one another and supporting each other in the good, the bad, the ugly, the stupid and the most scariest parts in our lives even when having doubts and second thoughts. Like tandem we do not do life alone, and we learn to trust one another who have walked the path before us to help us get through the toughest periods and moments in our lives; and thus we come out on the other side stronger and without regrets. Life is a journey, one that has many paths, any no two are the same but we are blessed when they interconnect.

I invite all people who genuinely want to be part of my garden to take up plot, even the bristle and briars make the rose among the thorns stand out.  Even the occasional locust is welcome, and the cockroach (I hate and fear roaches, but I respect them), but I'll be damned if I let anyone uproot my garden or desecrate my sacred space as today my life is welcoming, sober, and reconnected and interconnect within the light of the Divine and the universal flow of life. I have brushed and pushed people away in my life and allowed my mess of my addiction to hold others hostage, and where once I pushed away the gift of connection today i embrace myself life and others. Occasionally I need to do some pruning, not to disregard the humanness of another but for my garden to grow and flourish in the direction the winds may have shifted in my life. I invite my Facebook Spiritual Shelter to join me in interconnectedness and help me and other light-workers anchor the light. Blessings of Peace, Love, Serenity and the Light I leave only sacred love and comforting light in these words for you and yours.  Facebook is indeed one of my Sacred Spiritual Shelters and that works for me sharing my life, my love, my hope, and my lightwork for all to share in. 

Where do you find Spiritual Shelters in your life?

In service of the Light,

Lady Katerina 

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Facebook, A Spiritual Shelter? I invite everyone to be part of my Sacred Garden and within my various Spiritual Shelters where we can edify one another in Ethereal Light and Love.  I dedicate this to every person on my Facebook Friends list and all people who grace my life as you are my life, part of my sobriety and Design for Life

Living Life on Life terms July 26, 2014

Maybe I am delusional, but I like Area Service and found EBCAS meeting enjoyable. Maybe it's because I'm tired, but truthfully I like the people and the interconnected meaningful fellowship it brings. I'm finding NA as a whole welcoming, embracing, and open. It doesn't appear to be cliquish but community centered focus.

I'm grateful for the multi fellowships I belong in various areas of recovery, self exploration and acceptance, and interconnectedness.

Yesterday I met with my old dealer. No matter how much I try to say friend I simply can't and after last night I had the answers why. That is not my world, I don't belong, I want no part of it, I don't desire to be part if it or belong. We met in public, I was heading to work he to a trick; in his rant and diatribe all I saw as we rode the bus together emptiness, self serving, delusion, addict who was trapped and unhappy, manipulative, toxic, user, co dependent and no remorse. Its not a connection I wish to make again, while I'll be cordial upon chance happenings I felt empty and darkness in the amid of utter exhaustion and dealing with my own feelings. In his delusional rants he admitted indirectly that he wants me part of that world. I just felt sick and disgusted and with deeper resolve If I had any doubts which I wasn't, last night set them to ease about ever using again and confirmed in my heart any connection at this juncture in our lives is impossible, but open to re-visitation if and when he every became clean and sober with significant time under him.

I find it refreshing today I am recovery centered in my life and focused on the light and path of the Divine. Today I stand upon My Experience, My Strength, My Hope interconnectedly among those in my fellowships.

I chose a life of sobriety as it works for me. I don't demonize addiction I respect it, and I am not the arbiter of anyone's else's addiction as it works for some and that's okay. I just know for me I don't like who I became, I wasn't happy, I fell into darkness and despair and I would have landed in jail if death did not get me first as I was willing to cross every Hard limit and boundary I had in my addiction, and most importantly not only did I make to my lufe miserable I made everyone else miserable around me and held captive these people in my craziness and mess

I will stick to recovery, Working my program, being of service, and sharing my truth on a personal level

Normal Right? .......to Freedom

A year ago I was In the height of my addiction. I had given up. My life had become unmanageable. Roaches overran my place, I stopped caring, feces all over the floor and carpet from Winter, because i stopped taking her out. Using became a necessity to deal with situations around me or not to deal, hard to tell which was which. It wasn't fun, but I used to think it was fun. The problem was I couldn't see how bad things had gotten. Its normal to be slamming the largest amount of drugs in a moving car, in one of many car services with out tying off on the way to Up Your Alley and being a Board Associate. No one would realize how out of it I was, i was functional. That was normal for me. Showing up places and in my head I was hiding I Just used. No one was saying anything so must been okay. Paranoia reigned. I was happy I was able to fit in size 8 skinny jeans. Normal Right. Showering could not eliminate sweat and bo from using, maybe no one would notice that I still felt dirty after showers. Normal Right. In so much pain barely get out of bed but I could somehow make it to the dealer or out of bed to prepare mixture if I did not have the stuff astrewn about by bed or on top my computer. Normal right? When people did ask if I was using I'd say no and get offended because I had probably not used since night before. Normal Right?

I was rescued 11 months ago and lifted out if that mess that life. A dear friend came into my life and removed me from the insanity and gave me a fresh start. He paid to have the roaches removed the carpet replaced he replaced the furniture paid for my guard card and invested in my life. Bought a huge fridge. He allowed me the tools to become self sufficient . I went back to work. 7 months later I moved out of the place after I said I'm going to change my life around. I started investing in my life. The furniture and fridge we gave away when I moved to help others out. I can't begin to repay him 11 months later. But today I get be of service to others, put others first and invest in the lives of others because of an individual not in the program. I am a better person today for him believing in me when I could not believe in myself. This is my life today. happy, bless and free

Using DBT to conquer depression

I've battled depression all my life, I'm a survivor of multiple suicide attempts, survivor of abuse, I am a recovering cutter, I'm a recovering addict, been on multiple psych meds, diagnosed with multiple pysch and health problems over the years and I made a decision in 2012 to overcome depression and not let my life be dictated in negativity. It hasn't been easy but today depression does not consume me, not to say that depression isn't still part of my life. Like in my addiction I just had enough. I was on pysch meds as a preteen and teen, briefly as an adult when i was married. My life was saved when I checked myself into an outpatient program at Langley Porter October 2012, thankfully I had Medicare to pay for it.. While I used to teach CBT (no I am not referring to Cock and Ball torture for my perverted friends) and meditation I never lived it. DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) gave me the vehicle I needed to be living the life I needed I wanted and one I deserve. Mindfullness, Distress Tolerance, Emotional Regulation, and Interpersonl Relations are fundamental and tbe foundation for how I deal with life. They have given me new freedom on how I approach and deal with life. I non longer find myself held hostage by runaway emotions. I took the program and ran with it. Through therapy working my issues and with my determination we incorporated these skills into my psych and therapy and by working with my health and medical team I've been off psych meds. I have handlers and sponsors and my support systems I check in with regularly. And DBT is just as important as working my recovery program. Its instrumental in reducing stress and living a wonderful quality of life I thought was unimaginable. I'm not saying I never feel depressed I just have a better way of dealing with things and I am stronger in all aspects of my life as a person because of it. I love myself today, I know I am beautiful, I am worth it, and I deserve the quality of life I believe I deserve and I and determined through hard work and perseverance to manifest these things. Today I'm happy to the point it's sickening lol and Wouldn't have it any other way. I am sober and I found redemption in a new life where I was once broken and shattered. For me I'm a mighty oak and will withstand all things. I've been through hell and back and there is nothing that is worth or an excuse to relapse, self sabotage no longer has a place,  and I'm the first to call myself out on my bullshit, thanks to the rooms of recovery. Just for today I am able to be and remain anchored in the light.

Government benefits will be ending due to self sustaining hard work

In about 3 months I trigger back to work state for SSDI, and by this time next year I won't be on SSDI and SSI any more. For that I'm grateful. SSDI gave me the ability to overcome my disabilities mental and physical, opportunities to focus on me, focus on recovery, and once again to become a self sustaining individual. I've been working pretty much fulltime plus overtime for 6 months. As a result I let go of my housing subsidy in San Francisco to move into bigger better more sustaining place and so it can benefit someone else, I let go of my PAWS for Winter so that those funds can benefit another individual who needs it more than I do for their pet. I'm paying back into my Social Security again with the hope that it's there for me when I retire. In 6 months I've made about 13000 before taxes. Just over 10000 after taxes. That's already more than what I receive with SSDI in a year before taxes. I like what I do but doesn't stop me from wanting bigger and not settling. I want my career.  I want to get out of debt, buy a house, travel, get married have kids. This unfortunately means because I'm in my 3 year window of having my student loans discharged with a condition of staying in an income bracket, in two months my income will be over that bracket and my loans reinstated. One thing I know I can do anything I set my mind to, and I make my goals realistically possible. I've done what my doctor and others thought were impossible. I rode in AIDs Lifecycle 2013 after many health set backs. Today I love life, I love myself, and I don't put myself in a box anymore. I'm living my American dream.

Comment response from a frien when posted on Facebook

This is seriously my favorite status in YEARS. Can I just say... That I am WAY PROUD of who you have allowed yourself to become!! I always saw potential and I am so grateful you started putting yourself first. Please know that I am tearing up reading this and in some way this is validating a huge part of my belief structure. I don't get opportunities to be proud of people that often and you are beyond deserving of time and love than most out there in this world right now. Please let's connect soon and keep this momentum going? Take care and always in love,
Beth

Best Birthday

Best birthday. Its probably the first one that I wasn't dependent on others to make my birthday celebratory. A year ago I missed out on my birthday as I was high on heroin, so I showed up for myself this year and went to a meeting. I planned going to dinner and to see Maleficent, and it was the most amazing day I can remember. Absolutely loved Maleficent. I dressed for me today and I was not alone today either, I had over 200 hundred people wish me happy birthday, to take the time and effort to show they care. I should never feel lonely but is okay if I am alone. Thank you to every person who wished me happy birthday. I have been in this tight corset double corset because of the dress barely able to breathe for 9 hours and it was so much fun. Great food at dinner. Carnival style food, burgers on glazed donuts. And 31 was healing 32 is already proving to be epic. This is my design for living

I am fallible and finite, designs for living makes one look at the what needs to be changed for continued and long term serenity

I want some chitlins and hogsmaw, 4 cheese macaroni cheese, with collared greens and ham hocks and bacon, Hot corn bread with honey butter, baked sweet potatoes, black eyed peas, fried chicken and waffles. I am a foodie, what can I say I am a sucker for soul food.

I am learning that one needs to plan for the unplannable. I took a week off work for the AIDS/Lifecycle which for me is a huge pay cut. I was comfortable with the pay cut as the AIDS/Lifecycle is the world for me and I took account for that week I was missing, did not take into account taking couple extra days off for self care nor did i take into account when my job would call me back. I did not take into an account two weeks before any substantial pay back in my pocket.  This is why a savings is important, need to make sure I have one for future trips and vacations.  When I moved into my new place in April I knew it was going to be several months of struggle before I could get my pay and money on a schedule where i dont struggle at the beginning of the month.  Hey I dont even have a bed yet, still sleeping on an air mattress.  At least for the most part all my needs are met. The two things that have me worried are food and coffee. Cupboards are bare and I while I should ask for a loan until pay day for groceries dont know who to begin to ask.  That is a good thing and a bad thing it means I am self sufficient but it also means that it is hard for me to ask for help let alone knowing and forming bonds that I could ask for help. Ramon only goes so far before one can barely stomach the taste.

I have a housemate who helps around the house, a house  pup if you may. he keeps me sane keeps me stress free and helps with Winter.

Today I had the privilege of making an amends, to make amends isn't a gold star to add to ones ego, its humbling and a look at the finite self.  To make amends means my actions caused hurt and pain to someone who did not deserve to be brought into my craziness my mess especially when i was in my addiction and coming out of it.  to make amends isn't to be forgiven but to admit i was careless, i was destructive, that I caused pain, and that I was wrong.  I am grateful for a program of love, hope, and solution for a new design for living and today active addiction is not my story that chapter has been closed, but an addict in recovery with a solid foundation is.  Today is a day off so will be going to a new meeting in Oakland Reading Rainbow.-- Side note Lavere Burton has raised 1 million dollars to bring back the childhood show Reading Rainbow with new episodes and to touch and inspire a new generation of youth.

Time to get in the shower, Tonka the house pup texted and said he wants mexican for dinner, not he wants a mexican for dinner

Peace and blessings in the Divine

Lady Katerina