Living Life on Life terms July 26, 2014

Maybe I am delusional, but I like Area Service and found EBCAS meeting enjoyable. Maybe it's because I'm tired, but truthfully I like the people and the interconnected meaningful fellowship it brings. I'm finding NA as a whole welcoming, embracing, and open. It doesn't appear to be cliquish but community centered focus.

I'm grateful for the multi fellowships I belong in various areas of recovery, self exploration and acceptance, and interconnectedness.

Yesterday I met with my old dealer. No matter how much I try to say friend I simply can't and after last night I had the answers why. That is not my world, I don't belong, I want no part of it, I don't desire to be part if it or belong. We met in public, I was heading to work he to a trick; in his rant and diatribe all I saw as we rode the bus together emptiness, self serving, delusion, addict who was trapped and unhappy, manipulative, toxic, user, co dependent and no remorse. Its not a connection I wish to make again, while I'll be cordial upon chance happenings I felt empty and darkness in the amid of utter exhaustion and dealing with my own feelings. In his delusional rants he admitted indirectly that he wants me part of that world. I just felt sick and disgusted and with deeper resolve If I had any doubts which I wasn't, last night set them to ease about ever using again and confirmed in my heart any connection at this juncture in our lives is impossible, but open to re-visitation if and when he every became clean and sober with significant time under him.

I find it refreshing today I am recovery centered in my life and focused on the light and path of the Divine. Today I stand upon My Experience, My Strength, My Hope interconnectedly among those in my fellowships.

I chose a life of sobriety as it works for me. I don't demonize addiction I respect it, and I am not the arbiter of anyone's else's addiction as it works for some and that's okay. I just know for me I don't like who I became, I wasn't happy, I fell into darkness and despair and I would have landed in jail if death did not get me first as I was willing to cross every Hard limit and boundary I had in my addiction, and most importantly not only did I make to my lufe miserable I made everyone else miserable around me and held captive these people in my craziness and mess

I will stick to recovery, Working my program, being of service, and sharing my truth on a personal level