Retreat, refocus, rethink, react
I have an addiction problem, one that is more deeply rooted then drugs or alcohol. I put on masks as if im living a masquerade, I like to pretend Im strong that my life is okay. That I must quickly work through my emotions and I need to be better then depression. I tell myself I must be in control and I must be perfect because of my dreams, the goals in my life especially around careers. I must get through everything by myself because no one wants to hear about the hurt or what you are going through as they have their own problems. Funny thing is I dont know who I can turn to if I did need help as I dont have those relationships or connections with people. Creating boundaries or respecting boundaries I try to hard. Making friends tend to be hard because I tend to be akward socially and never have had role models and mentors. Funny thing is okay maybe its not funny my life is so uncomfortable as I dont know how to live without drugs or alcohol or anything else for that matter. My whole life had been about living a life of escape of some sort, and I am really trying to live a life that isnt about escape and I dont know how and I feel like I am going insane. I more comfortable in my skin however most dont know how to handle me so they dont try because in truth i dont know how to handle myself and most only see the past. It is not helping I work, minimally sleep, dont have time to clean my room or take care of basic needs as I make sure im going to meetings being completely recovery oriented. Being ADHD and a slew of mental health diagnoses. I feel like life has been sucked out of me. Recovery teaches me to live life on life's terms. The more I work my programs, do service etc the more uncomfortable I become and the more I feel I am in flight or fight. My disease tells me im a mess and also people will ever see is the addict me before I had skills and why bother changing. Im surrounded by many people and still feel like im the one odd one out ths t no one wants when it comes to pick teams.
We went off most psych meds, but reintroducing lamitical. While things are going well for me im feeling defeated andv font understand why. Im feeling list in the shuffle and scared about things and yet I can't Identify either. But im noticing more judgemental and temper. And why I have no plan nor desire to harm or kill myself the thoughts of jumping off the overpass keep popping up even though brief. Im wanting to escape and the vehicles that have made it possible before have been disabled. Maybe im doing everything right, and what sobriety and steps teaches me which I should have learned years ago has brought me to that akward overwhelming place and learning everything in less than a year period since working with this sponsor. Working multiple programs might not help but finding it is necessary. Mental health is hard to share with people, just as suicide and other things because most people tend to be busy with their own lives or they think you are just looking for attention. 32 years of living and just now re learning how to live.
Cry for help, everything is not okay, be strong is exhausting, Wish I knew what was wrong
Sometimes it feels like the serenity prayer will make it to the fourth step as it simply doesnt seem to work
