Thursday, January 29, 2009
Jan 28, 2009
been busy with school and Sundance which ended earlier this week. People as about age when it comes to friendship and other things especially when they think a younger guy will have nothing to do with older whether male or female, age is but a number that everyone reaches unless there dead and in no way defines a persons personality of philosophy. Usually allows for intelligent conversation and mutual understandings. Looking for friends at this point in my life nothing more. This year is about being relationship free and being myself. Hookups are meaningless and therefor sex is meant for a relationship. My time is spent mostly on school this semester or should be and time is limited and if your ok with that and have that understanding. Friends are always great especially when you take life as it comes. If that's cool with you lets talk.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Stop and Think- Stop Child Abuse (myspace blog)
Concrete Angel
She walks to school with a lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she’s holding back;
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday,
She hides the bruises with the linen and lace
Oh
The teacher wonders but she doesn’t ask,
It’s hard to see the pain behind the mask;
Bearing the burdon of a secret storm,
Sometimes she wishes she was never born;
Through the wind and the rain,
She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can’t rise
above;
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where
she’s loved.
Concrete Angel
Somebody cries in the middle of the night,
The neighbors hear but they turn out the lights;
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate,
When morning comes it will be too late.
Through the wind and the rain,
She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can’t rise
above;
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where
she’s loved.
Concrete Angel
A statue stands in a shaded place,
An angel girl with an upturned face;
Her name is written on a polished rock,
A broken heart that the world forgot.
Through the wind and the rain,
She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can’t rise
above;
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where
she’s loved.
Concrete Angel
She walks to school with a lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she’s holding back;
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday,
She hides the bruises with the linen and lace
Oh
The teacher wonders but she doesn’t ask,
It’s hard to see the pain behind the mask;
Bearing the burdon of a secret storm,
Sometimes she wishes she was never born;
Through the wind and the rain,
She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can’t rise
above;
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where
she’s loved.
Concrete Angel
Somebody cries in the middle of the night,
The neighbors hear but they turn out the lights;
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate,
When morning comes it will be too late.
Through the wind and the rain,
She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can’t rise
above;
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where
she’s loved.
Concrete Angel
A statue stands in a shaded place,
An angel girl with an upturned face;
Her name is written on a polished rock,
A broken heart that the world forgot.
Through the wind and the rain,
She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can’t rise
above;
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where
she’s loved.
Concrete Angel
Pretty much everyone has heard this song by Martina Mcbride before, it more than likely made you cry. But how many of you have turned your backs, or a death ear when you know of child abuse going on. Oh you don’t want to say anything because you may be friend with the person, or you feel a child should not be taken away from their parents, or maybe it doesn’t happen that often or the child deserved the beating, or many other countless scenerios.. Child abuse is spreading rapidly through the United States and throughout the world because people are remaining silent, because people do not want to get involved. How many will even repost this?
If we don’t stand up for our children, then what type of future are we giving our children. Get involved and a be a advocate let your voices be heard saying we are going to do whatever it takes to protect our children.
1)Make a confidential call to Child Protective Services. Even if you feel nothing is being done at least you made the effort. And keep reporting.
2)Educate your children to report and notice the signs of abuse of their friends
3)Support Local Agency who fight against child abuse ie. B.A.C.A, CAPA, PCA, child advocates, and many others that can be found in your state and city.
4) Dont Just say you are against child abuse, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS
Please support your local BACA chapter www.bacausa.com. BACA is found in 30 states and Australia with chapters soon to com in Canada and hopefully world wide. These great men and women strive daily providing a better future for our child.
Please repost and with any bullentin that has links or pictures hit reply and copy the message that you may then repost in a bulletin.
There is a link to B.A.C.A’s website on my page.
Thank You
Andrew Swallow
Child Advocate
www.myspace.com/krazegoon
www.childabuseprevention.org
www.Pca-Ca.org
www.preventchildabuseny.org
Saturday, January 24, 2009
LIFE
Sundance is finally over on Sunday and things finally can slowed down and get back to normal. I get to play catch up with homework. Last 2 weeks has been nothing but Sundance full time, School full time, and working, all on very little sleep I'm completely exhausted. but I'm my own self to blame
Joseph Smith the Restoration Movie
Today I was on set for the Joseph Smith the Restoration remake. 12 hours on Set. I had the privilege of playing a general authority at the Nauvoo General Conference right after the Martyrdom of Joseph Smith. To put yourself in these mens shoes, was a lot of responsibility for here they had to lead the Church as no prophet was being called to fill Brother Smiths vacant calling. Also having to support Brother Brigham fully as he was to lead the Saints west and assure them that Brother Brigham was indeed the one to lead them and that Joseph Smith death was not in vain and that we truly do belong to the restored church.
Sundance is finally over on Sunday and things finally can slowed down and get back to normal. I get to play catch up with homework. Last 2 weeks has been nothing but Sundance full time, School full time, and working, all on very little sleep I'm completely exhausted. but I'm my own self to blame
Joseph Smith the Restoration Movie
Today I was on set for the Joseph Smith the Restoration remake. 12 hours on Set. I had the privilege of playing a general authority at the Nauvoo General Conference right after the Martyrdom of Joseph Smith. To put yourself in these mens shoes, was a lot of responsibility for here they had to lead the Church as no prophet was being called to fill Brother Smiths vacant calling. Also having to support Brother Brigham fully as he was to lead the Saints west and assure them that Brother Brigham was indeed the one to lead them and that Joseph Smith death was not in vain and that we truly do belong to the restored church.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Blogs resurfacing from the past to hold a torch that brightens the future
Thursday, January 01, 2009 5:02 AM
I have brought back some blogs form the last few years to start this blog off. To be a testimony that we all go through our valleys of troubles but we can overcome them. I feel like these entries quite often as if it were the same black and white movie playing over and over. The thing is as you read this blog it comes apparent things are not as black and white, but full of array of colors that creates a beautiful masterpiece that we call life. We may not always agree with the current times but the light is always there if you look past the gloom. I like these blogs that I'm illustrating because it shows my metaphoric style of writing and live on in the very soul of my physical being. But as the gloom and self torment appears in the beginning the light shines at the end of this blog.
Life holds no prejudice, no remorse. Every person is equal game as pawns in this maze of confusion we call life. Who do you trust, who do you befriend- will those you choose be loyal or will the hang you by the gallows. Every person out to make themselves look good hiding behind the masks of deceit not worrying about who they step on or the lives they destroy. They release a Pandoras Box of rumors that spread and destroy the essence of ones life like a plague of locusts. Is it worth continuing or do you just wave the white flag of surrender. Do you retaliate with live fire into neutral territory beginning mass destruction on all who comes in contact or do you play the passive role and put on the facade that nothing is the matter. How do you rebuild the ruins of the soul and the sphere of reality once the tempest blows over? How do you face those who are infected with the poison, wondering who has been infected and who hasn't and what are people thinking and not thinking? Can one truly overcome this or are they forever damned due to the selfishness and the venom of hatred of an individual. Even faith is tried and just ready to give up on everything. Was it a mistake to move out here to Utah, where it seems everything worked for has been in vain and has just disappeared faster than it was to build it?
Demons thirst greedily on the soul that they may suck all happiness out of life, plunging one into complete darkness of confusion and depression. Does ones past ever laid to rest or will it forever haunt you as a dark encompassing shadow, menace? Aren't the desires of your heart and your faith good enough to surpass all things, then why is it impossible to escape the poison of the past. If ones desires of the heart and soul line up with ones faith and the teachings of the Bible then that should be enough. How many times do you have to deal with the past, put it behind you, before you are released from bondage of the shackles and chains that keep you from moving on in life? I know the teachings of the Bible and the Book of Mormon are true and my heart desires line up with them. Yet the feelings and the poison of the past plagues my life. Every time I deal with it people disappear as ghost from my life and every time I run it catches up and defiles and destroys everything close and dear as if it were seeping acid that burns at the slightest touch.
Can the box ever truly be closed, and if it so what steps must be taken to close it. Or is darkness predestined to rule in ones life? Sometimes drowning the memories seems the only way taking the pain and confusion. However I must keep focused with my sights set on the Lord. A favorite song of mine from Delirious Trading My Sorrows says:
Even then sometimes these words seem hollow. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
I am walking through Babylon whoring at the world, no place to turn no place to run but to feast off the mere existence we call life. My problems rape me over and over like a sinister being that uses and abuses unsuspecting prey. Confusion and drama suck the very marrow out of you like vampires thirsting and lusting. Do i know what i want and what i desire, or do i continue to allow myself to be tortured
in the torture room of my mind. I would fly on heavens wings to greater glory but to have my wings rip to shred just as take off. I grip for the iron rod and try to hold fast but my grip slips away as if it was an illusion of trickery which wasn't there at all. I am in love with idols and worship them daily, for I have trouble leaving behind their worldly promises. My body is a poison spreading to all who i have in contact whether good or bad. Silent ears tend to fall, where I am left alone on this dark path with out a lantern, when glory appears you reach for and try to achieve but are yanked down back into the monstrous pits of hell. Babylon holds no promises of happiness but does promise destruction. It is up to us find our own joy and fondness. Nothing but hurt and drama which I'm tired of. I refuse to give my heart to anyone to have it stepped on and shattered. I refuse to allow myself any longer to be chained and shackled and confined to the prison of standards of others but to be free and live by my standards.
Relationships come and go just as the tide flows with the time of day. Heartache comes and we can dwell on the minuscule details of the picture or paint with the vibrant colors of life and look to each day as a new adventure. To accept ones self to live the life of the being that you were created to be, creates a self identity that belongs to you and one that should be cherished. For being individuals is what creates the enigmatic self being one that guides us on our path. We need to always reach for the stars and to be helping hands to those in need.
We can allow ourselves to be thrown into a depression of self pity and victimization or we can move on and embrace our journey with admiration and love and take the best that life can give us. We all have our downtrodden days but it is up to us to release oursleves from the shackles and bondage.
I have brought back some blogs form the last few years to start this blog off. To be a testimony that we all go through our valleys of troubles but we can overcome them. I feel like these entries quite often as if it were the same black and white movie playing over and over. The thing is as you read this blog it comes apparent things are not as black and white, but full of array of colors that creates a beautiful masterpiece that we call life. We may not always agree with the current times but the light is always there if you look past the gloom. I like these blogs that I'm illustrating because it shows my metaphoric style of writing and live on in the very soul of my physical being. But as the gloom and self torment appears in the beginning the light shines at the end of this blog.
Life holds no prejudice, no remorse. Every person is equal game as pawns in this maze of confusion we call life. Who do you trust, who do you befriend- will those you choose be loyal or will the hang you by the gallows. Every person out to make themselves look good hiding behind the masks of deceit not worrying about who they step on or the lives they destroy. They release a Pandoras Box of rumors that spread and destroy the essence of ones life like a plague of locusts. Is it worth continuing or do you just wave the white flag of surrender. Do you retaliate with live fire into neutral territory beginning mass destruction on all who comes in contact or do you play the passive role and put on the facade that nothing is the matter. How do you rebuild the ruins of the soul and the sphere of reality once the tempest blows over? How do you face those who are infected with the poison, wondering who has been infected and who hasn't and what are people thinking and not thinking? Can one truly overcome this or are they forever damned due to the selfishness and the venom of hatred of an individual. Even faith is tried and just ready to give up on everything. Was it a mistake to move out here to Utah, where it seems everything worked for has been in vain and has just disappeared faster than it was to build it?
Demons thirst greedily on the soul that they may suck all happiness out of life, plunging one into complete darkness of confusion and depression. Does ones past ever laid to rest or will it forever haunt you as a dark encompassing shadow, menace? Aren't the desires of your heart and your faith good enough to surpass all things, then why is it impossible to escape the poison of the past. If ones desires of the heart and soul line up with ones faith and the teachings of the Bible then that should be enough. How many times do you have to deal with the past, put it behind you, before you are released from bondage of the shackles and chains that keep you from moving on in life? I know the teachings of the Bible and the Book of Mormon are true and my heart desires line up with them. Yet the feelings and the poison of the past plagues my life. Every time I deal with it people disappear as ghost from my life and every time I run it catches up and defiles and destroys everything close and dear as if it were seeping acid that burns at the slightest touch.
Can the box ever truly be closed, and if it so what steps must be taken to close it. Or is darkness predestined to rule in ones life? Sometimes drowning the memories seems the only way taking the pain and confusion. However I must keep focused with my sights set on the Lord. A favorite song of mine from Delirious Trading My Sorrows says:
I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame, I'm laying them done for the joy of the Lord. I'm trading my sickness, I'm trading my pain for the joy of the Lord..... I'm pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned. Struck down but not destroyed. I am blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure and His joy is going to be mine strength. Though the sorrow may last through the night joy comes with themorning.
Even then sometimes these words seem hollow. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
I am walking through Babylon whoring at the world, no place to turn no place to run but to feast off the mere existence we call life. My problems rape me over and over like a sinister being that uses and abuses unsuspecting prey. Confusion and drama suck the very marrow out of you like vampires thirsting and lusting. Do i know what i want and what i desire, or do i continue to allow myself to be tortured
in the torture room of my mind. I would fly on heavens wings to greater glory but to have my wings rip to shred just as take off. I grip for the iron rod and try to hold fast but my grip slips away as if it was an illusion of trickery which wasn't there at all. I am in love with idols and worship them daily, for I have trouble leaving behind their worldly promises. My body is a poison spreading to all who i have in contact whether good or bad. Silent ears tend to fall, where I am left alone on this dark path with out a lantern, when glory appears you reach for and try to achieve but are yanked down back into the monstrous pits of hell. Babylon holds no promises of happiness but does promise destruction. It is up to us find our own joy and fondness. Nothing but hurt and drama which I'm tired of. I refuse to give my heart to anyone to have it stepped on and shattered. I refuse to allow myself any longer to be chained and shackled and confined to the prison of standards of others but to be free and live by my standards.
Relationships come and go just as the tide flows with the time of day. Heartache comes and we can dwell on the minuscule details of the picture or paint with the vibrant colors of life and look to each day as a new adventure. To accept ones self to live the life of the being that you were created to be, creates a self identity that belongs to you and one that should be cherished. For being individuals is what creates the enigmatic self being one that guides us on our path. We need to always reach for the stars and to be helping hands to those in need.
We can allow ourselves to be thrown into a depression of self pity and victimization or we can move on and embrace our journey with admiration and love and take the best that life can give us. We all have our downtrodden days but it is up to us to release oursleves from the shackles and bondage.
A Coming Out Story
Actually this was written somewhere between January 1 2009, and Feb. 8 2009
I am a 26 year old gay male, or at least that s how I identified myself when I came out of the closet for what I thought I was the last time. What do I identify myself as? I am a rape survivor, I am a porn star, I am a divorcee, I am a minister, I am a Mormon, I am a female in a man's body. I am ME. The road, the journey if I may, of coming out is a long one and no two stories are the same, Some may be easy, some may be harder, others only had to come out once, while others like myself have been in and out of the closet many times just to find themselves when they did finally come out of the journey of self realization was only just the beginning.
My life has not been an easy one, nor can i say that I have many regrets. Every life experience I have had has contributed to the person I am today and more than likely would not change a thing. It would have just presented myself with different life experiences. I am thankful for the love and support of my parents and for my mom teaching me that my happiness is all that matters and that I just need to be myself.
I am a 26 year old gay male, or at least that s how I identified myself when I came out of the closet for what I thought I was the last time. What do I identify myself as? I am a rape survivor, I am a porn star, I am a divorcee, I am a minister, I am a Mormon, I am a female in a man's body. I am ME. The road, the journey if I may, of coming out is a long one and no two stories are the same, Some may be easy, some may be harder, others only had to come out once, while others like myself have been in and out of the closet many times just to find themselves when they did finally come out of the journey of self realization was only just the beginning.
My life has not been an easy one, nor can i say that I have many regrets. Every life experience I have had has contributed to the person I am today and more than likely would not change a thing. It would have just presented myself with different life experiences. I am thankful for the love and support of my parents and for my mom teaching me that my happiness is all that matters and that I just need to be myself.
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