Ending the year Dec 29-31

Dec 27, 2009
Ann and her boyfriend Trevor arrived today.  They both were very tired been up all day and night.  Terri picked them up this morning from the airport.  I took both Ann, Trevor, and Nathan to Snow Canyon at Ann's request and to Dixie Rock.  Trevor and I hung out and talked about Ann (good things) and their relationship.  We came home played apples to apples and then watched home movies of Ann ( she wanted to show trevor).

Tomorrow we are going to Zions-Myself, Terri, Ann, trevor, Nathan, and CJ.  Afterwards I will head home to Salt Lake.


Dec 28, 2009
324a
Really should be asleep with us going to Zion and we are suppose to be doing a 900a breakfast of baked eggs and ham, but really having a hard time sleeping and wish I could just disappear.  Its the same thing every time though, the thing happens with Chris he thinks that our thing is special, I want to kill myself and then I pretend it never happened until he brings it up again.  Im sick and need to be shot. Well I just need to look fo rthe silver lining in this what ever it may be and try my best to keep on keeping on when evn at my best days when im not in this slump I know one day I will end up taking my life because I can not deal with this desire and attraction toward other men.

I want to be married and have a family but can any girl overlook my past.  Tiffany wasn't able to and I was honest with her from the beginning and tomorrow we were suppose to have been getting married.  Ha Ha Ha.  Like anyone wants to marry me.  Except for older men or guys who want eye candy to be at their arm to show off and none of that is what I want.  Lets just remain a bachelor for rest of my life, lonely and sad, have my heartache but at least hopefully i wont be disgusted in the arms of men


Last Day in St George
(Facebook Status) got a flat tire on the way to zions with the family. the jack I have is pretty much useless need to get a new and better one. will go back to St. George when we are down fix the tire and head home to salt lake this evening.

632p  sitting in Big O Tire waiting for my tire to be ready to head up to Salt Lake.  Long day. I had to do what I wish I did not have to do and that was calling and asking Tiffany for the money.  Even though she has been annoying lately she did come through at the final hour. 


Mar 24, 2015 After thought to last paragraph. i cant remember why i felt she was being annoying but I pretty sure that wasn't the case and probably trying to blame her at the time for calling everything off

Dec 29, 2009
Cold and Lonely
It's snowing outside and today is the day i was suppose to be getting married if she did not call it off earlier this month.  I wish her the best even though I have cocooned myself today.

Dec 30, 2009
It really disturbs me how many LDS priesthood holders, with temple recommends, who wear their garments, and have families that come to me for massage looking for more.  The look for release or even more direct and sexual contact.  Its sickening and makes me realize their is no hope for me to get rid of these feelings.  No way to live a normal life or the life i want for myself.  I can live the life I want or actually try and I will fail time after time.  I don't know when but I know the time comeths when I can't bear much more of the disgust, the touch, the feeling or thoughts of being a male.  Let alone the thought of being with my uncle.  i told him the first time how I felt and he gave me a guilt trip and looks of disappointment and since then i have given in to him every time.  Do so well ignoring him for a while and then he talks me into it.  

I hate having been raped and molested as a kid, I hate that I sold my body into prostitution and porn,  I hate that I have allowed my body to be used over and over and I surrcumb everytime.

The time will come when I take my life, not out of selfishness but out of neccessity to rid myself of these thoughts and feelings,  hopefully when the time comes everyone I know will understand my actions and that this is the only way to peace.  I will never know peace otherwise.

I wish the problem I face was a church thing but its not.  First of all I would feel this way regardless of any church or no church  I hate these feelings, i don't like these feelings.  The LDS Church is true and I stand by its teachings and in no way should the Church ever be blame for the decisions I make.  And I am willing to accept any consequences on the other side of the veil just be able to find some peace.

I wish there were people who understand like Bishops and such but I hold none at fault.  I only wish for peace and a family where I am not affected by my past where i Feel normal.  People say you should accept yourself for who you are.  Ill never accept this, even though I am an ally and support those who are LGBTQIAI will never accept this for myself.  Mar 24, 2015 Putting into  context looking back.That with the resolve in Apr at U of U, I placed myself at that moment in same position when I drove my car into reservoir. i had just stopped living at this moment and ended my life. I was done. Id rather pretend i was gay struggling with same sex attraction in the church then ignore the truth about me being intersex I learned years ago

I am a priesthood holder in the LDS Church, I want to be dead instead of violating my covenants


Dec 31, 2009
New Years
It might surprise you to learn that I've never really been a "New Year's" type guy. I have had very little desire to stand in freezing cold watching a ball drop, start the new year with a hangover, or singing the remarkably melancholy "Auld Lang Syne." Just not my thing.

And make resolutions? Are you KIDDING me? Why on EARTH would I commit to a list of life alterations when I can't even wash my sheets regularly? Thanks but...

Moliere (the French playwright) once said "Men are all alike in their promises. It is only in their deeds that they differ." That has never been more obvious to me than in this past year. Talking is so easy, so powerful, and so relentlessly overused. It's easy to complain and to find reasons why life isn't what you expected. I say this without smugness; I was guilty as well. Words have their place, for sure. But The Key to sucking the marrow from life is now, and always has been, to shut up and do. Really. 

This past year I did something different. I don't know what possessed me to pursue this, but it is now the cornerstone of any New Year's contemplation I may have. Spend the year finding myself.  This year and let it be the cornerstone of years to come that I do one thing each month that pushes me in some way in becoming a better self 

In 2009, I chose to live life as if I was suddenly born into color. It's as if after a long estrangement from my soul I have found the hero I always needed - and he is within. I learned to trust myself again. I learned that the world is a stage for my actions, ergo I should choose them carefully and with honor. I learned that love comes from the strangest places and in the oddest forms. I learned that sometimes someone else's definition is the worst possible one for me to use. I learned better the wisdom required in knowing when to let something go and when to embrace it. I learned that I have the components I need to live a glorious life. I learned if I decide to choose someone to share in that life (whether as a friend or lover), it will not be because I they "complete" me, but rather because together we will move farther into the future than we would apart. I learned that love doesn't conquer all, but that doesn't mean you should stop loving. Perhaps most importantly, I was reminded that the limitations I see truly come from within. Want the moon moved? I'm on it. Want to walk on water? Let me show you how I do it. Need to change the world? Let's do it together.

And I learned all this and more by doing something so simple: Allowing myself to be afraid, be vulnerable, be wrong. 


May the New Year Continue to be one of change and personal reflection and growth

Next blog link http://realintentkat.blogspot.com/2010/01/jan-2-10-2010-checked-out.html

The Catalyst of dangerous kind.

March 24th,2015 For me time has healed these wounds. through therapy and working the steps in recovery i own my part and I have forgiven my Uncle. He told his wife about it the last 3 . years. According to him it was part of his sickness and worked steps around sex and porn addiction. This is one of the hardest entries to put in my blog and book but sets the stage for what I have blocked the last 5 years. I had forgotten about the entry below as well i had detached long ago. By this time I had pushed the events and reasons around my suicide attempt in April when i drove my car into the reservoir. Denying what I boldly made a statement declaring as resolution to the suicide attempt 3 days before, in front of the Student Body at University of Utah dressed as well as a woman that i was a woman during the Day of Silence ceremonies. Within months I was buried in callings at church and about to marry a woman and willing to pretend that what i felt for years and what I promised myself did not matter, the only thing that matter was what people thought of me. And thus i laid the foundation of destruction and the reason behind the hell I have been through in the last five years as well as Redemption and being able to be authentic. 

Just 10 days before I made I was going to do what I set out in beginning of the year and I was going to take time for myself. Europe was back on the agenda I was in good Spirits. i had life by its horns and was ready to ride. [See previous blog Making Plans Dec 16-25]



Dec 26, 2009 Journal Entry
I went and did baptisms with Nathan today at the St. George temple had the privilege and honor of baptizing and confirming him as proxy for those who needed their work done.  

In my chaotic world even though half the time I probably are not worthy to enter the temple due to falling and being intimate with a guy whether cuddling, or receiving a bj, or giving one occasionally,  the temple is the only place my heart finds solace away from myself and into my Heavenly Father arms.

I was cheated again of my experience of the love and joy I felt in the temple earlier today when again I gave into my uncle as I did the first time 3 years ago.  He made the hints yesterday after I gave him a massage that he wished I was able to massage more of him and massage him completely and I ignored and let it go through one ear and out the other.  However this evening again, he made the comments that he wishes we could share that intimate bond again that we shared before but doesn't want to pressure me into doing anything i don't want to do.  Here I played the victim again and said its ok whatever you want.  He had me suck him off as he laid in front of his bedroom door so no one would come in. Lick his nipples and rub my body against his as he watched.  Very cold, no feeling, nothing returned in touch embrace like i am just an object for his pleasure.  Always the same, he says it feels good and is very special to him and I leave disgusted and hurt, putting on a face that everything is ok and that it is just as special for me. Every time this happens I say its not going to happen but it does anyways.  This time was in his bedroom while Terri was at work and the boys downstairs, and other times in his gym while others were in the house, or on a hike to redrock, or he would walk in naked when i was in the bathroom wanting something. The very first time was Christmas of 2006.  I wanted to just hibernate that Christmas but I had to deliver employee paychecks all over Utah and Idaho so they would have Christmas money and my last stop was St. George.  i already was suicidal trying yet again to get rid of these homosexual thoughts and Chris knew what I was going through because he was one person I use to confide in and he had the nerve that first morning i was the as I laid on the couch that he has had feelings for me for sometime and thought that we could share an even more personal and intimate bond.  He also started rubbing my cock and then whipped his out for me to suck.  I was hesitant but he insisted saying that it just be something special between friends and brothers.  and I finally succumbed. 

Again i have fallen again after doing so well for awhile of not doing anything with a man and I had to do something with him, FAMILY.   I wish i would just leave this earth now instead of keep having this reoccur.  Can't say anything about him to anyone, can't confess it to my Bishop because i can not be the cause of the priesthood being taken out of his Family.  Especially with the boys looking up to him and needing the priesthood example in his life.

Again more reason to stay away more and more even though I want to be around my cousins.


Afterthought that was written in
I am 27 years old I should be able to say no to him.  The why in the world can't I.

http://realintentkat.blogspot.com/2009/12/ending-year-dec-29-31.html

Burning

The persecution burns deeply within, not a man-made, not a societal quandary but one of self affliction and demise.  The pool of tears has long since become a trail of blood leaving in its wake a forever haunting past and muddy future.  What is one to do when the newspaper of your life is blown into your face, and everyone has read it.  When the only solace of the world is found in a twisted nightmare you can only wait to lie on your soft pillow.  The heart beats and cries for love, truth, justice, and pursuit of happiness; when the brain, the cognitive machine pollutes the very soul and reality against the true desires of the heart.  Why can't the cognitive machine change its face when its current drive causes nothing but heartache.  Where's the out, wheres the fix.  I know Heavenly Father loves me very much, but what do you do when you want one thing and refuse to accept any part of the other no matter what and I will fight to the death to overcome. 

Facebook statuses from Andrew's accounr Nov-dec 2009

Nov 1
nov 9

• Life is miraculous and full of many blessings & treasures. I don't need gold, silver, expensive houses or cars... My treasures are here at home, where my heart lies. I have the priesthood, a great fiance (50 Days to big day). I've the most beautiful daughter in the world. And when that is not enough, which is very rare, I've great supportive family & friends. I'm blessed & sitting daily on top of the world.

nov 22

• All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you. Walt Disney

nov 30

• The Wedding invitations are done after several bouts. However Tiffany and I have decided to postpone the wedding until spring or summer of 2010. We want to make sure everything is right and that we are really ready instead of feelng rushed or that everything was moving to quickly. We love all of our friends and family and thank you for your love and support.

Dec 20

• Arghh.....Sitting going through books to get rid of some, turned on the burner to make hot chocolate -turn on wrong burner and next thing I knew casserole dish exploded all through the house and now i have a complete mess to cleanup- broken glass everywhere through out the house everything a mess no fun can it get worse lol

Dec 21

• The pool of tears has long since become a trail of blood leaving in its wake a forever haunting past & muddy future..... When the only solace of the world is found in a twisted nightmare you can only wait to lie on your soft pillow. The heart beats & cries for love, truth, justice, & pursuit of happiness; when the brain, the cognitive machine pollutes the very soul & reality against the true desires of the heart....he sparrow falls from the nest and is still noticed by the creator, the mighty wind can be destructive but in the end its still a wind of change. The layman goes unnoticed but his masterpiece is left standing for all to see.... the fruit blossoms only when the river is flowing but even beavers build dams to block it, to build their own world. Life is not merely an illusion but a rose that wilts and dies to only be renewed in the changing of the season with the proper cultivation and care

Making Plans and Dec 16-25

Dec 16, 2009
Life is ever changing and this year has been no different.  Changes are an important key to life and is essential to healthy growth in ones life depending on how you handle the cards dealt to you.  In the process of having a year to myself, i met a wonderful girl and got engaged to her in Sept. However the wedding and relationship has been called off. I wish Tiffany the best and that she can figure out what she needs to in life and find eternal Happiness.

I am once again on track for going to France and Europe next year for schooling and adventure.  I find myself looking back on this year and finding myself very blessed for the friends and families in my life and, all the experiences both good and the bad that have come my way. I have no regrets but am very grateful for the life i have had because they have made who I am today and constantly a new person.  Life is a great treasure.

It is my goal to continue to be filled with light and love towards my fellow man.  We are made in the image of our maker and life is worth it both the good and the bad as long as we keep on keeping on to ensure a fulfilled life.

Dec 17, 2009
The rose has wilted & the ebony petals have all but fallen to the ground. Winter comes with her frost in which everything in her path feels the icy chill.  The trumpet remains silent at reveille while the light of the sun stays hidden behind the clouds.  The sands of time remain still, traveling neither forward or backwards but instead keep us longing for the can be.  For we are nothing but shadows and pawns in the game of chess we call life

Dec 19, 2009
Quote of the Day: Enduring to the End
"Enduring to the end, or remaining faithful to the laws and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ throughout our life, is a fundamental requirement for salvation in the kingdom of God. This belief distinguishes Latter-day Saints from many other Christian denominations that teach that salvation is given to all who simply believe and confess that Jesus is the Christ. The Lord clearly declared, 'If you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God' (D&C 14:7).

"Therefore, enduring to the end is not just a matter of passively
tolerating life's difficult circumstances or 'hanging in there.' Ours is an active religion, helping God's children along the strait and narrow path to develop their full potential during this life and return to Him one day. Viewed from this perspective, enduring to the end is exalting and glorious, not grim and gloomy. This is a joyful religion, one of hope, strength, and deliverance. 'Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy' (2 Nephi 2:25).

"Enduring to the end is a process filling every minute of our life,
every hour, every day, from sunrise to sunrise. It is accomplished through personal discipline following the commandments of God."

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Have We Not Reason to Rejoice?" Ensign, Nov. 2007, 20


Facebook Status
Every time I eat (doesn't matter what it is) I get sick again and a migraine not fun. I have been down for a week now but no fever. It's wearing me out and draining my energy. Argh Time to cuddle up with a movie or two or three


Dec 20, 2009
Facebook
Sitting going through books to get rid of some, turned on the burner to make hot chocolate -turn on wrong burner and next thing I knew casserole dish exploded all through the house and now i have a complete mess to cleanup- broken glass everywhere through out the house everything a mess no fun can it get worse lol

Dec 21, 2009
Burning
The persecution burns deeply within, not a man-made, not a societal quandary but one of self affliction and demise.  The pool of tears has long since become a trail of blood leaving in its wake a forever haunting past and muddy future.  What is one to do when the newspaper of your life is blown into your face, and everyone has read it.  When the only solace of the world is found in a twisted nightmare you can only wait to lie on your soft pillow.  The heart beats and cries for love, truth, justice, and pursuit of happiness; when the brain, the cognitive machine pollutes the very soul and reality against the true desires of the heart.  Why can't the cognitive machine change its face when its current drive causes nothing but heartache.  Where's the out, wheres the fix.  I know Heavenly Father loves me very much, but what do you do when you want one thing and refuse to accept any part of the other no matter what and I will fight to the death to overcome.

Dec 22, 2009
Heading down to St. George

Dec 25, 2009
Christmas
Christmas was nice.  Spent it with Chris, Terri and the boys.  They got a Nintendo Wii for Christmas for the whole family.  

Chris as for a neck massage which I gave him, and then asked for a back massage in which i obliged.  Afterwards he made a comment about how he wish I could have massaged his whole body completely. I told him strip down to some shorts then he said that's not what he meant.  I ignored him and the casually made my way down to play the Wii. (please not another Christmas)

Terri cooked a very late Christmas dinner of ham, asparagus, and potatoes, oh and can't forget about the deviled eggs  and then for desert pumpkin pie

next blog entry http://realintentkat.blogspot.com/2009/12/the-catalyst-of-dangerous-kind.html