Ending the year Dec 29-31

Dec 27, 2009
Ann and her boyfriend Trevor arrived today.  They both were very tired been up all day and night.  Terri picked them up this morning from the airport.  I took both Ann, Trevor, and Nathan to Snow Canyon at Ann's request and to Dixie Rock.  Trevor and I hung out and talked about Ann (good things) and their relationship.  We came home played apples to apples and then watched home movies of Ann ( she wanted to show trevor).

Tomorrow we are going to Zions-Myself, Terri, Ann, trevor, Nathan, and CJ.  Afterwards I will head home to Salt Lake.


Dec 28, 2009
324a
Really should be asleep with us going to Zion and we are suppose to be doing a 900a breakfast of baked eggs and ham, but really having a hard time sleeping and wish I could just disappear.  Its the same thing every time though, the thing happens with Chris he thinks that our thing is special, I want to kill myself and then I pretend it never happened until he brings it up again.  Im sick and need to be shot. Well I just need to look fo rthe silver lining in this what ever it may be and try my best to keep on keeping on when evn at my best days when im not in this slump I know one day I will end up taking my life because I can not deal with this desire and attraction toward other men.

I want to be married and have a family but can any girl overlook my past.  Tiffany wasn't able to and I was honest with her from the beginning and tomorrow we were suppose to have been getting married.  Ha Ha Ha.  Like anyone wants to marry me.  Except for older men or guys who want eye candy to be at their arm to show off and none of that is what I want.  Lets just remain a bachelor for rest of my life, lonely and sad, have my heartache but at least hopefully i wont be disgusted in the arms of men


Last Day in St George
(Facebook Status) got a flat tire on the way to zions with the family. the jack I have is pretty much useless need to get a new and better one. will go back to St. George when we are down fix the tire and head home to salt lake this evening.

632p  sitting in Big O Tire waiting for my tire to be ready to head up to Salt Lake.  Long day. I had to do what I wish I did not have to do and that was calling and asking Tiffany for the money.  Even though she has been annoying lately she did come through at the final hour. 


Mar 24, 2015 After thought to last paragraph. i cant remember why i felt she was being annoying but I pretty sure that wasn't the case and probably trying to blame her at the time for calling everything off

Dec 29, 2009
Cold and Lonely
It's snowing outside and today is the day i was suppose to be getting married if she did not call it off earlier this month.  I wish her the best even though I have cocooned myself today.

Dec 30, 2009
It really disturbs me how many LDS priesthood holders, with temple recommends, who wear their garments, and have families that come to me for massage looking for more.  The look for release or even more direct and sexual contact.  Its sickening and makes me realize their is no hope for me to get rid of these feelings.  No way to live a normal life or the life i want for myself.  I can live the life I want or actually try and I will fail time after time.  I don't know when but I know the time comeths when I can't bear much more of the disgust, the touch, the feeling or thoughts of being a male.  Let alone the thought of being with my uncle.  i told him the first time how I felt and he gave me a guilt trip and looks of disappointment and since then i have given in to him every time.  Do so well ignoring him for a while and then he talks me into it.  

I hate having been raped and molested as a kid, I hate that I sold my body into prostitution and porn,  I hate that I have allowed my body to be used over and over and I surrcumb everytime.

The time will come when I take my life, not out of selfishness but out of neccessity to rid myself of these thoughts and feelings,  hopefully when the time comes everyone I know will understand my actions and that this is the only way to peace.  I will never know peace otherwise.

I wish the problem I face was a church thing but its not.  First of all I would feel this way regardless of any church or no church  I hate these feelings, i don't like these feelings.  The LDS Church is true and I stand by its teachings and in no way should the Church ever be blame for the decisions I make.  And I am willing to accept any consequences on the other side of the veil just be able to find some peace.

I wish there were people who understand like Bishops and such but I hold none at fault.  I only wish for peace and a family where I am not affected by my past where i Feel normal.  People say you should accept yourself for who you are.  Ill never accept this, even though I am an ally and support those who are LGBTQIAI will never accept this for myself.  Mar 24, 2015 Putting into  context looking back.That with the resolve in Apr at U of U, I placed myself at that moment in same position when I drove my car into reservoir. i had just stopped living at this moment and ended my life. I was done. Id rather pretend i was gay struggling with same sex attraction in the church then ignore the truth about me being intersex I learned years ago

I am a priesthood holder in the LDS Church, I want to be dead instead of violating my covenants


Dec 31, 2009
New Years
It might surprise you to learn that I've never really been a "New Year's" type guy. I have had very little desire to stand in freezing cold watching a ball drop, start the new year with a hangover, or singing the remarkably melancholy "Auld Lang Syne." Just not my thing.

And make resolutions? Are you KIDDING me? Why on EARTH would I commit to a list of life alterations when I can't even wash my sheets regularly? Thanks but...

Moliere (the French playwright) once said "Men are all alike in their promises. It is only in their deeds that they differ." That has never been more obvious to me than in this past year. Talking is so easy, so powerful, and so relentlessly overused. It's easy to complain and to find reasons why life isn't what you expected. I say this without smugness; I was guilty as well. Words have their place, for sure. But The Key to sucking the marrow from life is now, and always has been, to shut up and do. Really. 

This past year I did something different. I don't know what possessed me to pursue this, but it is now the cornerstone of any New Year's contemplation I may have. Spend the year finding myself.  This year and let it be the cornerstone of years to come that I do one thing each month that pushes me in some way in becoming a better self 

In 2009, I chose to live life as if I was suddenly born into color. It's as if after a long estrangement from my soul I have found the hero I always needed - and he is within. I learned to trust myself again. I learned that the world is a stage for my actions, ergo I should choose them carefully and with honor. I learned that love comes from the strangest places and in the oddest forms. I learned that sometimes someone else's definition is the worst possible one for me to use. I learned better the wisdom required in knowing when to let something go and when to embrace it. I learned that I have the components I need to live a glorious life. I learned if I decide to choose someone to share in that life (whether as a friend or lover), it will not be because I they "complete" me, but rather because together we will move farther into the future than we would apart. I learned that love doesn't conquer all, but that doesn't mean you should stop loving. Perhaps most importantly, I was reminded that the limitations I see truly come from within. Want the moon moved? I'm on it. Want to walk on water? Let me show you how I do it. Need to change the world? Let's do it together.

And I learned all this and more by doing something so simple: Allowing myself to be afraid, be vulnerable, be wrong. 


May the New Year Continue to be one of change and personal reflection and growth

Next blog link http://realintentkat.blogspot.com/2010/01/jan-2-10-2010-checked-out.html