Sunday, January 31, 2010
NSFW: Leaving Utah with a plan Porn actor way
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Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Jan 12-31, 2010 the end to the beginning
Jan 12, 2012
I am still enthralled by last nights encounter and really enjoyed the touch, the bonding, and just everything. Lets just say WOW!!!
Daily Horoscope with extended
You can't make up your mind very easily today, and that may be driving you crazy. You need to get some advice, but deciding between advisers may pose its own little problems as well!
You're out on the cutting edge once again, making people wonder how they can keep going on with the same-old same-old. It's not that you want them to feel bad, but their lives could be so much better!
You're itching to jump ahead quickly -- but you can tell that you can't do so just yet. It's a good time for you to marshal your resources and wait a little longer until you know the time is right.
You need to figure out how to swing from pole to pole to balance all your activities today -- hard as that may seem at first. Your energy is just right for keeping everyone as happy as can be.
Try not to get too worked up over your own projects today -- you need to make sure that your time is free when you get caught up in someone else's mad dream. It's fun, but it's also a big deal.
Expect a string of happy moments that add up to something really neat today -- and it may presage something much bigger and sweeter coming. Your energy is pushing you in the right direction.
You need to push yourself a little harder, but you don't need to choose a course. If anything, you should find that your subconscious mind knows exactly where you need to be at any moment.
You're the center of whatever group you're in today, even if you're not the formal leader or the most outspoken member. Your ideas and energy just naturally organize those around you.
You've got quite a lot going on right now, so see if you can get your friends and colleagues to help out. If you're paying attention, you may be able to sneak something past an obstacle
I leave for Calgary in two days, on Thursday, and will be there until Tuesday, check a few things out and see if everything will work out like I am hoping, if it doesn't work out Ill go into a holding pattern until I figure what I am doing, whether its Europe, Southern Virginia University or where ever the wind may take me. This year is again about myself, figuring things out, find a direction, and live life the best I can. I want to write a few more screen plays, start writing some books, produce and direct "An Old-Fashioned Christmas Story" if i get a budget I approve of. Life is interesting, many curve balls are thrown at us but do I really want in life, in a relationship and can I stay with it. I really do want to travel more this year if possible if not prepare for next year.
Quote of the Day: Eternal Blessings of Marriage
"For some all is not complete in mortal life, for marriage and a family of their own have passed them by. But the great plan of happiness and the laws which govern it continue after death. Watched over by a kind and loving Heavenly Father, they will not, in the eternal pattern of things, be denied blessings necessary for their exaltation, including marriage and family. And it will be sweeter still because of the waiting and the longing."
I love My Family and for their wonderful support of me in my life ad accept me for whatever I choose for myself, now only if i can ever accept myself.
Jan 13, 2010
I got 3 hours of sleep this morning after another long night. The problem once I give in once and act on the SSA i go down a spiraling out of control roller coaster until I hit the bottom. I need to get back to where I was and doing well and controlling the urges. Last night I spent six hours having sex. Note to self I tried the drugs once no need to do it again. the feeling is great especially during sex on G and Crystal but its the inability to sleep, even more horny, and when your body wheres of from the effects you feel tired and dragged.
Positive note leave tomorrow for Calgary for weekend. Will be back on Tuesday. And i will know for sure if I am moving up there in march after this visit also.
Jan 14, 2010
What is a boy suppose to do?
3 days later and I'm still feeling the after effects of the Crystal. No wonder people get addicted to it. They keep taking so the don't have to feel like shit when their bodies come off it. Hey the sex was great (in matter of speaking), however its not the sex I want and now I am hating myself for it. I have a migraine I can't get rid of, my body feels as its been run-over multiple times by a semi. I need to be drinking more water then I am and I need to eat even though I not really hungry. The last three days was nothing but an unprotected sex fest where I was the one being used. I just want to be away from the homosexual thoughts, not give in to them. I want a family, I want to be a father, i want to be married to a women. This is not fair that I have to deal with this. I don't like the attraction to men but it is there. My life is just constantly one big mess.
Needless to say wont be taking that stuff ever again
Facebook status as of 8:58a I am going to be 28 in a little over 5 months and I still don't have direction in my life. I have ambitions dreams and goals however every time I think I have myself figured out finally. The world and ideas change as the shifting wind. And when it comes to thinking and Ideas I am my own worst enemy. maybe i should just become a gypsy.
In lighter topic, sitting in SLC airport on my way to Calgary
Arrived in Calgary about 830pm almost 13 hours later after leaving my house. To find out they are not letting me in because of my perjury charge back in 2005 when i lied about my checks being stolen. oh in a few years i can apply for rehabilitation status or try to go for a hearing at the Canadian consulate in the United States. I can not get a head in life. Every time I try to do something to better myself one road block after another and on top of that trying to deal with the SSA i really don't want to live this life. Is this life even worth it.
1025 pm still sitting in the waiting room waiting to here what is going on. Obviously Canada wont be an option for school right now for at least a few years or to live, gave my notice on my place and job. So the only backup i have currently is California. A backup I never really want to use.
Its not like i have lived the best life lately.
I am still enthralled by last nights encounter and really enjoyed the touch, the bonding, and just everything. Lets just say WOW!!!
Daily Horoscope with extended
You can't make up your mind very easily today, and that may be driving you crazy. You need to get some advice, but deciding between advisers may pose its own little problems as well!
You're out on the cutting edge once again, making people wonder how they can keep going on with the same-old same-old. It's not that you want them to feel bad, but their lives could be so much better!
You're itching to jump ahead quickly -- but you can tell that you can't do so just yet. It's a good time for you to marshal your resources and wait a little longer until you know the time is right.
You need to figure out how to swing from pole to pole to balance all your activities today -- hard as that may seem at first. Your energy is just right for keeping everyone as happy as can be.
Try not to get too worked up over your own projects today -- you need to make sure that your time is free when you get caught up in someone else's mad dream. It's fun, but it's also a big deal.
Expect a string of happy moments that add up to something really neat today -- and it may presage something much bigger and sweeter coming. Your energy is pushing you in the right direction.
You need to push yourself a little harder, but you don't need to choose a course. If anything, you should find that your subconscious mind knows exactly where you need to be at any moment.
You're the center of whatever group you're in today, even if you're not the formal leader or the most outspoken member. Your ideas and energy just naturally organize those around you.
You've got quite a lot going on right now, so see if you can get your friends and colleagues to help out. If you're paying attention, you may be able to sneak something past an obstacle
This horoscope definitely is describing me today and knows me very well.
There is a thing to astrology, its not a tool of Satan, but used appropriate its a tool
to balance yourself with the universe.
I leave for Calgary in two days, on Thursday, and will be there until Tuesday, check a few things out and see if everything will work out like I am hoping, if it doesn't work out Ill go into a holding pattern until I figure what I am doing, whether its Europe, Southern Virginia University or where ever the wind may take me. This year is again about myself, figuring things out, find a direction, and live life the best I can. I want to write a few more screen plays, start writing some books, produce and direct "An Old-Fashioned Christmas Story" if i get a budget I approve of. Life is interesting, many curve balls are thrown at us but do I really want in life, in a relationship and can I stay with it. I really do want to travel more this year if possible if not prepare for next year.
Quote of the Day: Eternal Blessings of Marriage
"For some all is not complete in mortal life, for marriage and a family of their own have passed them by. But the great plan of happiness and the laws which govern it continue after death. Watched over by a kind and loving Heavenly Father, they will not, in the eternal pattern of things, be denied blessings necessary for their exaltation, including marriage and family. And it will be sweeter still because of the waiting and the longing."
—Boyd K. Packer, "The Standard of Truth Has Been Erected," Ensign, Nov. 2003, 25
This quote gives promise (its one that is on the Evergreen Internationals website to help people deal with SSA), while giving a promise it can be disheartening. It says if we don't find out Eternal Partner here in this Mortal Life that we will still be able to find one in the next life, the current stance of the LDS Church is that you are not to engage in homosexual behavior, so for those who are attracted to Men are suppose to be alone all their mortal life and then for those have lived with their life partner till death will have to choose a female for their eternal companion and have our free agency taken away? I want that promise of a family here in this life. I want to be a father and a husband. A loving Heavenly Father, would not subject his children to misery only, would he? I just want to be happy an I will never be as long as I struggle with SSA. Nights like last night aren't meant to be all the time, its a gift a small temporary sense of peace from a bond that you share between brothers. It hurts to see myself struggle with SSA but it hurts even more for those who just want a chance to love someone and to have someone to call their own, when we make rules for the world on our morals and not those are being affected.I love My Family and for their wonderful support of me in my life ad accept me for whatever I choose for myself, now only if i can ever accept myself.
Jan 13, 2010
I got 3 hours of sleep this morning after another long night. The problem once I give in once and act on the SSA i go down a spiraling out of control roller coaster until I hit the bottom. I need to get back to where I was and doing well and controlling the urges. Last night I spent six hours having sex. Note to self I tried the drugs once no need to do it again. the feeling is great especially during sex on G and Crystal but its the inability to sleep, even more horny, and when your body wheres of from the effects you feel tired and dragged.
Positive note leave tomorrow for Calgary for weekend. Will be back on Tuesday. And i will know for sure if I am moving up there in march after this visit also.
Jan 14, 2010
What is a boy suppose to do?
3 days later and I'm still feeling the after effects of the Crystal. No wonder people get addicted to it. They keep taking so the don't have to feel like shit when their bodies come off it. Hey the sex was great (in matter of speaking), however its not the sex I want and now I am hating myself for it. I have a migraine I can't get rid of, my body feels as its been run-over multiple times by a semi. I need to be drinking more water then I am and I need to eat even though I not really hungry. The last three days was nothing but an unprotected sex fest where I was the one being used. I just want to be away from the homosexual thoughts, not give in to them. I want a family, I want to be a father, i want to be married to a women. This is not fair that I have to deal with this. I don't like the attraction to men but it is there. My life is just constantly one big mess.
Needless to say wont be taking that stuff ever again
Facebook status as of 8:58a I am going to be 28 in a little over 5 months and I still don't have direction in my life. I have ambitions dreams and goals however every time I think I have myself figured out finally. The world and ideas change as the shifting wind. And when it comes to thinking and Ideas I am my own worst enemy. maybe i should just become a gypsy.
In lighter topic, sitting in SLC airport on my way to Calgary
Arrived in Calgary about 830pm almost 13 hours later after leaving my house. To find out they are not letting me in because of my perjury charge back in 2005 when i lied about my checks being stolen. oh in a few years i can apply for rehabilitation status or try to go for a hearing at the Canadian consulate in the United States. I can not get a head in life. Every time I try to do something to better myself one road block after another and on top of that trying to deal with the SSA i really don't want to live this life. Is this life even worth it.
1025 pm still sitting in the waiting room waiting to here what is going on. Obviously Canada wont be an option for school right now for at least a few years or to live, gave my notice on my place and job. So the only backup i have currently is California. A backup I never really want to use.
Its not like i have lived the best life lately.
Jan 17, 2010
Lost and not found
Its been a long few days. its funny, Canada did not allow me into the country however they took my passport and my suitcase with all my clothes, told me to take all my valuables including my laptop and everything and a change of clothes and told me come back at 11am. So basically they were not letting me into the country but they were letting me into the country. Go Figure.
This one trip I just want to forget. I need to go visit the consulate in LA when I am there, to see if they will let me otherwise i still have 3 years to wait for Canada. So we will see what happens.
I'm so lost in life..... luckily the sleeping around is losing it's appeal again. Thank God and the destructive walk and sleeping with poz men I'm being deterred again. I just don't want to live with theses thoughts and if I have them I want to be punished if I am going to have them.
I just tired of feeling alone, like my life doesn't go anywhere and just hitting road blocks, struggling with SSA and when I do give in i go on a spiral down whirlwind, I am tired of wanting to kill myself I'm tired not being able to accept me. I am tired of not having support and not having anyone understand what i am going through.
I am 27 years old and can't find my foothold in this world at all.
This one trip I just want to forget. I need to go visit the consulate in LA when I am there, to see if they will let me otherwise i still have 3 years to wait for Canada. So we will see what happens.
I'm so lost in life..... luckily the sleeping around is losing it's appeal again. Thank God and the destructive walk and sleeping with poz men I'm being deterred again. I just don't want to live with theses thoughts and if I have them I want to be punished if I am going to have them.
I just tired of feeling alone, like my life doesn't go anywhere and just hitting road blocks, struggling with SSA and when I do give in i go on a spiral down whirlwind, I am tired of wanting to kill myself I'm tired not being able to accept me. I am tired of not having support and not having anyone understand what i am going through.
I am 27 years old and can't find my foothold in this world at all.
HOW DO I GIVE MY WHOLE HEART TO THE LORD
WHEN I CAN'T GIVE ME HEART TO MYSELF
HOW DO I MAKE A CHANGE
WHEN MY LIFE IS A MESS
WHEN I CAN'T GIVE ME HEART TO MYSELF
HOW DO I MAKE A CHANGE
WHEN MY LIFE IS A MESS
Jan 21, 2010
So much for not having the desire to sleep around my days have been consisting of hooking up three 4 times a day or All night sessions with Chris and Michael on top of having Tina in the system. The sex on the stuff is great and gives you the endurance for all day and all night performance. Smoking it is oj however the real rush and the real experience, is injecting it into the blood stream. Havent worked up to me injecting my own yet so its usually Chris or whoever I am around with. Its funny, i havent felt guilty at all however out of life I have mentally checked out and these sessons of sex and Tina bring me alive. they make me want to live, otherwise I just wish I was dead. I actually don't even care what their HIV Status is. Everything is just great. However i need to make a good........
Jan 23, 2010
HELP My life is out of control and i can't stop it. I'm addicted to Tina, in overcharges me in the sex drive and I don't want anything to do with same sex and day after day i have been hooking up..... HELP i have a big bruise welt on my arm from slamming last night. I am really put of control and I don't know how to stop. Suppose to be getting the house clean because I move out Feb. 1, and I don't even know hat my full plan is about where i am going to live and such
Jan 24, 2010
HELP
If i don't figure out something soon I am going to be dead. I've become anti-social, sleeping with every tom dick and harry, and slamming constantly. I don't eat much, sleep very little and i have no control over anything (even though being controlled is erotic, wouldn't mind a daddy or mommy, master slave relationship). I find myself glued to one spot for hours at a time. When i realized it yesterday, and finally forced my self to eat and to take a piss. I had been sitting on the couch for 9 hours online, seemed like it was only a couple of hours. I need to ask for help, but to ask would not give me control and who do i tell with out them thinking differently about me. I need serious help would like to confide in my Uncle but he problem use that against me too. No this would be the one he wouldn't want maybe make him not desire me at all. I hate the whoring Ive been doing with men and women its fun and i just can't sop I desire sex sex sex. I can't wait to get out of Utah.
been slammed twice today, however I don't think he diluted the first one, then he disappeared weird
Facebook posts
Life holds no prejudice, no remorse. We are pawns in this maze of confusion we call life. Who do u trust, who do u befriend-will they be loyal or will u be hung by the gallows. One must must adventure out to find what
was actually left behind. But what is let behind, no longer exist. Nothing is what it seems & every is... what is. lifes path is short but the journey is long. We stand still as time marches on, FROZEN!!
was actually left behind. But what is let behind, no longer exist. Nothing is what it seems & every is... what is. lifes path is short but the journey is long. We stand still as time marches on, FROZEN!!
Muscles are stiff, body is tight, eyes are getting heavy meaning sleep is coming at a decent time for me (at least its coming) Appetite has been good today. And tomorrow is another day. now only if my brain can find
peace if its really there
peace if its really there
Jan 27, 2010
Muscles are stiff, body is tight, eyes are getting heavy meaning sleep is coming at a decent time for me (at least its coming) Appetite has been good today. And tomorrow is another day. now only if my brain can find peace if its really there.
No Day like today! Today I'm feeling peachy!! Smiles...Cleaning is going a bit better and and 3p starts the official selling of my collection of stuff. sold some books already so come and stop by and find treasure untold. Lol. Check my notes and post for details and items for sale. 1304 E 900 S #9 Wed-Fri sale
Jan 31, 2010
major migraine and the pressure behind my eyes unbearable. on top of that body is out of whack, spasming and hurting with energy zapped from the body allowing me to barely move. and to add icing to the cake I'm trying to finish the cleaning of my place since I'm out of it tomorrow
Finally its after midnight and we are finished. house is clean and empty. And in about 12 hours I hit the road
Finally its after midnight and we are finished. house is clean and empty. And in about 12 hours I hit the road
March 24, 2015. this was hard this wasn't easy but its done and I how I am still alive is a miracle. the raw and naked truth i feel exposed. i still cant believe why I don't remember it but it was written in real time. i don't know what was going on why i was compelled to record it all but its done and now it is exposed I cant take it back and i can no longer hide. regretting i started this book but relieved I did at the same time.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Jan 10, 2010 Revealing the Facts
Mar 24, 2015 For 5 years I have only known one version of happened on the night of Jan 10 and morning of the 11th. That version doesn't line up what i wrote 5 years ago and had since been forgotten. i would tell you today if it wasn't for this journal entry. I still would tell you and i no recollection from Dec 16th 2009 nor until fragments after the events on Jan 10, that I went to a party had my drink drugged and given crystal to smoke and injected with it and ganged raped. the problem I had with that scenario myself is I'm very connected to my dreams and trauma as such I would think I'd have a few nightmares. Bur instead this time had been wiped from memory and to me never existed. i did not realized i was in so much pain. i had just decided to go to Europe. the account in the 3rd section told the story that I wanted to die. i gave up. Hopeless, and the one person i used to be able to trust i was pissed off at and wanted nothing to do with. But i was mad at myself because I promised myself a better life and that I would embrace Katerina (at the time of all this i did not have a name picked because in would have made the destruction more tangible. i hated everything earthly and spiritual and truthfully i did not care about the priesthood. yes it was given to me, but the mantle wasn't, i was given mantle of service and hospitality. I said earlier know this truth that i did this willing it would have killed me in the 5 years and I would not be here today. I'm grateful for the ability to be authentic today and own my shit as this is hard, shit vaginoplasty was easier then putting these accounts straight from journal to blog. I'm relieved, angry, blessed, drained and hopeful at the same. Regardless through consequent action through these event it forced me to do what i was unwilling to do. accept and love Katerina. Just need to allow healing through this all
Jan 10, 2010
Help or Not 3 different parts
It was an interesting day. I was busy and frazzled at work it was the first day back of classes and we were busy at the copy center. Not alone took 20 mins to find a parking spot. Rest of the day went very well and I also gave Randy My notice as I am moving Feb. 1.
This is from a movie I like which probably should not like, it is about a LDS missionary who falls in love with this other guy on his mission through the wiles of this boy. Its a story of love, commitment and finding oneself. I don't like it for them using a LDS missionary as subject matter, however the message of bigotry, understanding, and charity ring through as a beacon of hope as they overcome. (the song is about the guy mourning over the loss of the missionary (he thought he killed himself))
This is from a movie I like which probably should not like, it is about a LDS missionary who falls in love with this other guy on his mission through the wiles of this boy. Its a story of love, commitment and finding oneself. I don't like it for them using a LDS missionary as subject matter, however the message of bigotry, understanding, and charity ring through as a beacon of hope as they overcome. (the song is about the guy mourning over the loss of the missionary (he thought he killed himself))
Tuesday, 3 am
Tuesday, 3 am
Once again I’m wide awake.
Waiting for this time to mend this heart of mine,
That keeps on breaking.
Newspapers I throw away
Wash the dishes in the sink
3am, on Tuesday
I have to much time to think.
I could call out to heaven I could crawl down through hell
Nothing will change the way the way they are, and nothing every will
He thinks I can’t hear him cry
And I pretend I don’t know all about the 3 am’s he spend wrestling with your ghost.
I hear him call out to heaven, I watch him crawl down through hell
He still can’t get over you
I know he never will
Nothing he says can bring you back
He’s got nothing left to show
But a pocket watch and memories
For that kiss out in the snow
I hear him call out to heaven, I watch him crawl down through hell
He still can’t get over you
I know he never will
I hear him call out to heaven, I watch him crawl down through hell
He still can’t get over you
I know he never will.
--from the movie Latter Days
It actually describes my life. I started writing this journal entry right before 3 am today. I am wide awake and in search to heal my heart of brokeness. The sexual abuse from when I was 6, people I allow to take advantage of me, broken relationships, and just hating myself for my SSA. I know my Heavenly Father loves me and I can't see how would want us to suffer, but why do I hate the homosexual lifestyle; I wont accept it, when My family will accept it either way, I am an ally for the LGBTQ Community fighting for their rights as human beings and citizens of the United States. I cry up to heaven and live daily in my hell, I can't forget molesting Josh and Billy when I was 14. Even though I thought it was natural and nothing wrong with it because of the past abuse, and they forgave me, i think about it every day as it is a weight upon my chest.
I want to kill myself to end it, but I rather hurt until I can't take it anymore in order to prolong the suffering. My mom should never have to bury her son. It hurts to deal with it, but I don't want my family to hurt.
-------This may be jumbled thoughts are relaxed.
Lately I have been real horned up and just been wanting to get laid. I just have noticed this is a pattern after I have done something with Chris (over Christmas) and start want to sleep around and push my self back from the church Every time. Not wanting to us as an excuse what happen, i'm a big boy I should be able to resist temptation and say no. Thats the problem with anyone I have a hard time say no. once someone kisses the back of my neck and blows in my ear as they rub their hand through my hair I am done. I love the kissing and cuddling more than anything else in my life, to be held into an older mans arms where a temporary feel safe for that moment, like I matter. (Don't full around with younger men.) And the energy between the right guys is simple erotic and orgasmic an dont need to do anything else. Energy is the world to me the feel the connections you make with people and males know what other males like.
Unfortunately, I go the dangerous route, When i can't resist temptation much more I start looking for HIV Positive or Don't know their status, and uses drugs to bottom for. Im allergic to condoms (but not fully to latex just on my cock and inside of me, and lamb skin is a joke and dont work, I don't like being with men, i usually feel disgusted and complete out of body experience as my spirit just leaves. It is a sooner death or one in agony and it is worth to hurt because i have tried to get rid of these thoughts. I have been with countless HIV-poz guys through out the last 10 years and still Negative as of Novemeber 2009.
I want a family, i want a wife and kids, i can emotionally and physically and sexually attach to a women and be in a relationship and have an honest desire to be with them. With a guy i could never have a relationship and the attraction is only physical
I know the LDS Church says its wrong, as well as most churches; but church and faith has nothing to with my disgust or apprehension about have been with a guy and that i was weak. I can't explain it but my heart and brain tell me that this not right for me that this isn't suppose to be me here, but there is a bigger force that draws and draws me away. As I am with a guy again I just lie there and moan and smile at the right times not into, actually I'm to it for a minute of few and then nothing i just want it be over. But I keep going back.
My biggest problem is the internet. I don't do porn doesn't do much for me. But I get on these sites when I am bored. Like Adam4Adam, gay.com, manhunt, or even Craigslist and you just start talking and chatting. I try to busy my self in other things like World of War Craft or Texas Holdem but I can only fight the urge for so long before I am so horned up and can't control my impulses and jacking off 4-6 times a day. Until i fail and give in to be with a guy. See i just need to keep busy lol
Tonight was interesting. I did such as stated above. today I jacked of 2- 3 times releasing each time. And then needing to be held just touched, I checked adam4adam for messages and usually I'm just looking for friends to watch movies only. But last couple of days I was getting on myself again and wishing I was dead for my attraction. But there was message from Charlie Brown (not real name-profile name- Michael) that he would love to hook up, huge cock HIV-poz uses drugs and very good looking invited me over to his place to play with him and his boyfriend (Chris) who also is poz, and another young man (Topher age 26) who was negative but also likes to play with poz guys (we are not bug chasers, well sometimes I am but we take the risks and know the risks to have all natural feeling.) The weird thing is he is 28 just turned 28 normally not my type but i was just captivated for some reason. When I got there and was greeted in the room, a calming feeling as soon as i stepped in the door overtook me and energy just vibrated through out my body.
Turns out Michael and Chris are massage therapist too. And had more energy flowing through them and there house then I have ever felt.
Charlie Brown definately did not look like his picture (which turned out to be 7 years old) But he was more enduring the his picture, babyface and twinkish body gone, replace with a more rugged look. Nice just the same. He took me into his bedroom where is bf (late 40 something yo) siting there on the computer just wearing pants, Wasn't an Adonis or anything, slight pudgey hair chest, (actually the guys I am attacted to) but when I shook his hand, energy connected and engulfed us in a cocoon for a few brief seconds creating an orb of energy through the room. (Those who deal with energy, read people, or whatever understands what I am talking about about energy. I use energy in all I do and try to use it in any connection I make with people. Michael started to kiss me and i just about melted, he undid his pants revealing his cock and without a thought I went down on him (not a big fan of sucking usually)
I stripped down and we embraced with another connection of energy not as strong as his partners or anywhere close to what I experience with his partner later on. Tonight was not an out of body experience in was an in the body, in the moment experience that brought so much to the table. I was topped by all of them, and sucked by and (I actually topped, which i never do, Michael and Topher. ) I have smoked pot before and tried coke a couple of times, neither does anything much just relaxes my back which occasionally needs it, due to nothing else working. However, the intent tonight was to be fucked and due some drugs to drown out my SSA thoughts and hopefully OD or get HIV. However, they did not have any coke and just a little pot (this was after we exchanged energy- so the energy wasn't clouded) I was offered some TCP I originally was going to say no but after finding out what traces it leaves ( i said I would try it- Just stays in urine for 3 days at the most) Won't show up in blood or hair. However you will be up for at least a day. ( i had a quite of few nice hits) then they had their friend/supplier come over and brought us a sample of a liquid steroid that gets mixed in oj and it opens up the blood vessels and shortly after followed up with a significant slam. The four of us played nicely and hard with one another connecting on intimate levels that only made the sex and contact more powerful and encompassing.
The Greeks and Romans believed for a man to sleep with a man just because out of lust it was wrong and disapproved of. However if a man sleep or connect your bodies with another man, to learn, mentor, discover and share each others wisdom and knowledge then it was divine. Hey I like to talk...And my mind is very random doesn't stay in the moment and usually puts my foot in my mouth or takes away the mood. However we started talking about religion, me and that I was queer, weird and not normal for my experiences if done (it was a compliment, they were refreshed) However i do talk loud. We talked about the Prop * Gay marriage thing and life and society and wide variety of things with each person chiming in carry on the conversation learn and connecting,) We talked political and about porn (turns out they have seen my before and recognize my eyes and tatoos. ) We talked of our lives and bonding. Very rare does anyone carry on conversations during sex ( i like to connect with people and most people want wham bamm thank you mam), and everytime we finished a round of getting together we sit rest and talk. And true connection was going on. I do not feel weird about tonight it and it is not the drugs talking, but I feel rejuvenated, life, and camaraderie. This night was about sex but it was also about relating and building on the foundation of enlightenment. Now with Chris his energy just overflowed into mine and vice versa. I bottomed for him about 3 times and the last time there was a connection that was orgasmic that i was able to read him and him me. his cock in my ass was a nice comfort and thick, however the energy and connection him an i personally shared engulfed and wrapped us in a blanket of two worlds becoming one.
Chris is also bi however he perfers men and understood everywhere i was coming form and my life. as I laid there with Chris in Me no out of body experiences but i knew everything in life is going to be alright regardless. I feel no regret for this time, i don't feel guilty at all for hooking up tonight nor ashamed, i am not disgusted. The Romans and Greeks were right it is divine when two men connect in all aspects and there nothing to be guilty about it. I am blessed for the connections was made and the energy exchange for I have never felt like this in any way with anyone. For it was perfect and we were 4 men having sex with one another or just a good f*ck, gender disappeared when i was first touched by Michael and even more so by Chris and we were immortal beings together as one looking to serve and connect with one another.
I know this doesn't make sense how any of this can be but it does. We use only 10% of our brains however tonight it was being used in a lot more capacity to understand and appreciate the simple touch and needs of our fellow men.
I still don't like the thoughts of SSA and I will always hate my self for it. For I would ever be lucky to experience that connection and energy flow between two people ever again. Tonight was definitely different and has me completely perplexed and confused. i opened doors that have been closed for a long time. I am happy with myself at this moment not because of the sex but my spirit guides and guardians enlightening me and recharging me with other kindred spirits. It was more then sex that made it great, and i have said this a quite of few times already it was talking, connecting, and taping into the universe.
I know by giving in I am actually not worthy of the Temple and never would be. Its not that I ever feel guilty when i hook up in any form with a man persay, its not a religion thing its my hatred towards the actions that are performed on me and what I perform. i am comfortable usually for a few minutes or for the length of time spent with another guy, but down right hate giving in after trying to be good using hand other devices to try to control the urges. I hate having a hard time saying no and these desires that I cant control or get rid of. I hate that married LDS men many with children or children grown (these men are between 27-85 no kidding) who still love their wives but want to use me, use my massage services (even if meant paying more) to get off because they are not getting what they need from their spouses.
The Temple is my only solace to peace away from the world, I've told my bishops and Stake Presidents about my SSA many times its not something I can change even though i want to. The Temple has saved my life on many occasions when I need comfort, when i need to know like I matter for wanting to kill myself. The church is true and If i was to be disfellowshipped, or excommunicate me that would be instant death for me. I couldn't do it. Its the temple and the priesthood that has called me back to the Church time after time when i tried to leave. I just wish that this wasn't my cross to bear or problem on my shoulder.
I need to make a decision about the Temple and the priesthood.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Jan 2-10, 2010 Checked Out
Jan 2, 2010
The cycle of time has yet again completed its journey, while the ransom is demanded in full that so that one must live. The coffers remain empty and the reaper comes to collect its bounty. Blood and tears are not accepted for apeasement for what was fine now is rags. To cry out for Mercy the voice is but silent for the the one who was choosen remains hidden in its own shadow. For his labor has been unfruitful to
the worlds demise.
I know I need to humble myself and ask the Bishop for help, since i have been out of work the last two weeks because the college closed. And currently no roommates. However I haven't been to church in 4 weeks. ist week spasming, 2nd was the concert with Natalie cole and Mormon Tabernacle Choir. 3rd was sick and 4th was out of town.
Mar 24, 2015 Afterthought: in entry below I was running away as I read this I was saying my goodbyes and creating alibis to disappear and where it would take awhile for people to notice. it is really hard reading everything that led up to the events within in hours from this post. I'm pretty sure I did not have the invite from Charlie Brown and Michael yet. but my fate was already sealed. All this was blocked from memory Dec 16 on.
Jan 10, 2010 the Precursor
The Whirlwind has Stopped and I am Catching a ride out of my own Kansas. The time has come to adventure out and seek the Wizard of the World. But is there trully a Wizard or the beguilement of Beauty when in fact its just rust. However the journey must be made to find out for ones self and to explore and seek out new...... opportunities, civilizations and boldy go where many have gone before.
on facebook it was very heart touching and felt. They have still remained close even after Tiffany and I broke up and treats me like i am part of their family and always has genuine concern for me.
Nexy blog entry http://realintentkat.blogspot.com/2010/01/jan-10-2010-revealing-facts.html
The cycle of time has yet again completed its journey, while the ransom is demanded in full that so that one must live. The coffers remain empty and the reaper comes to collect its bounty. Blood and tears are not accepted for apeasement for what was fine now is rags. To cry out for Mercy the voice is but silent for the the one who was choosen remains hidden in its own shadow. For his labor has been unfruitful to
the worlds demise.
I know I need to humble myself and ask the Bishop for help, since i have been out of work the last two weeks because the college closed. And currently no roommates. However I haven't been to church in 4 weeks. ist week spasming, 2nd was the concert with Natalie cole and Mormon Tabernacle Choir. 3rd was sick and 4th was out of town.
Mar 24, 2015 Afterthought: in entry below I was running away as I read this I was saying my goodbyes and creating alibis to disappear and where it would take awhile for people to notice. it is really hard reading everything that led up to the events within in hours from this post. I'm pretty sure I did not have the invite from Charlie Brown and Michael yet. but my fate was already sealed. All this was blocked from memory Dec 16 on.
Jan 10, 2010 the Precursor
The Whirlwind has Stopped and I am Catching a ride out of my own Kansas. The time has come to adventure out and seek the Wizard of the World. But is there trully a Wizard or the beguilement of Beauty when in fact its just rust. However the journey must be made to find out for ones self and to explore and seek out new...... opportunities, civilizations and boldy go where many have gone before.
Andrew Jame Swallow As for the answer to my cryptic status. I moving Feb. 1 as my lease is up. if all goes as planned it will be to Calgary, Canada for work and school and the film market. if not, back to California with a few possible job opportunities in the Film Industry via some contacts I have. I will know for sure after my audition this week in Calgary if I will want to move for sure up there. However, as of now the plan is to move there.I received a wonderful message from Neil
C'est La Vie Entertainment and Media will continue in either Canada or California, or where ever I go. and C'est La Vie Talent will continue to represent the people we currently represent.
This is an opportunity to open up new doors and the ability to embark on New adventures....
I wish to stay in contact with all of you as the facebook page won't change but on a personal level make sure i Have your address (which if you gave it to me for the wedding I have it) your birthday and anniversary and I will make sure you get a card.
To my Utah friends you are awesome, (ESPECIALLY BEAUTIFUL RED HEADS NAMED JJ) and will be missed but I will be making trips back and hopefully for my film industry buddies I will make connections up there to benefit us all. So get your passports in order. SMILES
May we all be blessed in our endeavors as we strive to better ourselves and enjoy life.
And B4 i officially move to Calgary which would be in march (i will be spending a few weeks in California) seeing friends and such and attending a sealing
Love You ALL. My time is limited in next few weeks but would love to try to spend time with as many of you as possible. Just let me know times and places in advance.
Neil Glad Fallow the yellow brick road!!!! Fallow the yellow brick road!!!! ....Fallow, Fallow, Fallow, Fallow, Fallow the Yellow Brick Road! Remember even Dorothy said "There's no place like HOME!!! (yes thats how he spelled it too. LMAO. Neil is Tiffany's Dad.)Andrew James Swallow: Very true very true. Even she had to leave in order to go back home
Neil Glad: Enjoy your journey....you've made a great contribution here with us and for Tiffany and Anastasia over the last few months. Be sure to stay in touch and come back to see us when you are ready.
Andrew J Swallow: Will do thank you very much. You all will be greatly missed thank you for making me feel like family. Hopefully I can spend some time with you all before I leave. I will stay in touch and all of you will forever be in my heart
Neil Glad: I'll be leaving for Azerbaijan on 1 Feb. We'll probably have a Sunday farewell party - get together on 31 Jan
Andrew J Swallow:I'll mark my calender. And congrats
on facebook it was very heart touching and felt. They have still remained close even after Tiffany and I broke up and treats me like i am part of their family and always has genuine concern for me.
I'll Miss You
Nexy blog entry http://realintentkat.blogspot.com/2010/01/jan-10-2010-revealing-facts.html
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