Mar 24, 2015 For 5 years I have only known one version of happened on the night of Jan 10 and morning of the 11th. That version doesn't line up what i wrote 5 years ago and had since been forgotten. i would tell you today if it wasn't for this journal entry. I still would tell you and i no recollection from Dec 16th 2009 nor until fragments after the events on Jan 10, that I went to a party had my drink drugged and given crystal to smoke and injected with it and ganged raped. the problem I had with that scenario myself is I'm very connected to my dreams and trauma as such I would think I'd have a few nightmares. Bur instead this time had been wiped from memory and to me never existed. i did not realized i was in so much pain. i had just decided to go to Europe. the account in the 3rd section told the story that I wanted to die. i gave up. Hopeless, and the one person i used to be able to trust i was pissed off at and wanted nothing to do with. But i was mad at myself because I promised myself a better life and that I would embrace Katerina (at the time of all this i did not have a name picked because in would have made the destruction more tangible. i hated everything earthly and spiritual and truthfully i did not care about the priesthood. yes it was given to me, but the mantle wasn't, i was given mantle of service and hospitality. I said earlier know this truth that i did this willing it would have killed me in the 5 years and I would not be here today. I'm grateful for the ability to be authentic today and own my shit as this is hard, shit vaginoplasty was easier then putting these accounts straight from journal to blog. I'm relieved, angry, blessed, drained and hopeful at the same. Regardless through consequent action through these event it forced me to do what i was unwilling to do. accept and love Katerina. Just need to allow healing through this all
Jan 10, 2010
Help or Not 3 different parts
It was an interesting day. I was busy and frazzled at work it was the first day back of classes and we were busy at the copy center. Not alone took 20 mins to find a parking spot. Rest of the day went very well and I also gave Randy My notice as I am moving Feb. 1.
This is from a movie I like which probably should not like, it is about a LDS missionary who falls in love with this other guy on his mission through the wiles of this boy. Its a story of love, commitment and finding oneself. I don't like it for them using a LDS missionary as subject matter, however the message of bigotry, understanding, and charity ring through as a beacon of hope as they overcome. (the song is about the guy mourning over the loss of the missionary (he thought he killed himself))
This is from a movie I like which probably should not like, it is about a LDS missionary who falls in love with this other guy on his mission through the wiles of this boy. Its a story of love, commitment and finding oneself. I don't like it for them using a LDS missionary as subject matter, however the message of bigotry, understanding, and charity ring through as a beacon of hope as they overcome. (the song is about the guy mourning over the loss of the missionary (he thought he killed himself))
Tuesday, 3 am
Tuesday, 3 am
Once again I’m wide awake.
Waiting for this time to mend this heart of mine,
That keeps on breaking.
Newspapers I throw away
Wash the dishes in the sink
3am, on Tuesday
I have to much time to think.
I could call out to heaven I could crawl down through hell
Nothing will change the way the way they are, and nothing every will
He thinks I can’t hear him cry
And I pretend I don’t know all about the 3 am’s he spend wrestling with your ghost.
I hear him call out to heaven, I watch him crawl down through hell
He still can’t get over you
I know he never will
Nothing he says can bring you back
He’s got nothing left to show
But a pocket watch and memories
For that kiss out in the snow
I hear him call out to heaven, I watch him crawl down through hell
He still can’t get over you
I know he never will
I hear him call out to heaven, I watch him crawl down through hell
He still can’t get over you
I know he never will.
--from the movie Latter Days
It actually describes my life. I started writing this journal entry right before 3 am today. I am wide awake and in search to heal my heart of brokeness. The sexual abuse from when I was 6, people I allow to take advantage of me, broken relationships, and just hating myself for my SSA. I know my Heavenly Father loves me and I can't see how would want us to suffer, but why do I hate the homosexual lifestyle; I wont accept it, when My family will accept it either way, I am an ally for the LGBTQ Community fighting for their rights as human beings and citizens of the United States. I cry up to heaven and live daily in my hell, I can't forget molesting Josh and Billy when I was 14. Even though I thought it was natural and nothing wrong with it because of the past abuse, and they forgave me, i think about it every day as it is a weight upon my chest.
I want to kill myself to end it, but I rather hurt until I can't take it anymore in order to prolong the suffering. My mom should never have to bury her son. It hurts to deal with it, but I don't want my family to hurt.
-------This may be jumbled thoughts are relaxed.
Lately I have been real horned up and just been wanting to get laid. I just have noticed this is a pattern after I have done something with Chris (over Christmas) and start want to sleep around and push my self back from the church Every time. Not wanting to us as an excuse what happen, i'm a big boy I should be able to resist temptation and say no. Thats the problem with anyone I have a hard time say no. once someone kisses the back of my neck and blows in my ear as they rub their hand through my hair I am done. I love the kissing and cuddling more than anything else in my life, to be held into an older mans arms where a temporary feel safe for that moment, like I matter. (Don't full around with younger men.) And the energy between the right guys is simple erotic and orgasmic an dont need to do anything else. Energy is the world to me the feel the connections you make with people and males know what other males like.
Unfortunately, I go the dangerous route, When i can't resist temptation much more I start looking for HIV Positive or Don't know their status, and uses drugs to bottom for. Im allergic to condoms (but not fully to latex just on my cock and inside of me, and lamb skin is a joke and dont work, I don't like being with men, i usually feel disgusted and complete out of body experience as my spirit just leaves. It is a sooner death or one in agony and it is worth to hurt because i have tried to get rid of these thoughts. I have been with countless HIV-poz guys through out the last 10 years and still Negative as of Novemeber 2009.
I want a family, i want a wife and kids, i can emotionally and physically and sexually attach to a women and be in a relationship and have an honest desire to be with them. With a guy i could never have a relationship and the attraction is only physical
I know the LDS Church says its wrong, as well as most churches; but church and faith has nothing to with my disgust or apprehension about have been with a guy and that i was weak. I can't explain it but my heart and brain tell me that this not right for me that this isn't suppose to be me here, but there is a bigger force that draws and draws me away. As I am with a guy again I just lie there and moan and smile at the right times not into, actually I'm to it for a minute of few and then nothing i just want it be over. But I keep going back.
My biggest problem is the internet. I don't do porn doesn't do much for me. But I get on these sites when I am bored. Like Adam4Adam, gay.com, manhunt, or even Craigslist and you just start talking and chatting. I try to busy my self in other things like World of War Craft or Texas Holdem but I can only fight the urge for so long before I am so horned up and can't control my impulses and jacking off 4-6 times a day. Until i fail and give in to be with a guy. See i just need to keep busy lol
Tonight was interesting. I did such as stated above. today I jacked of 2- 3 times releasing each time. And then needing to be held just touched, I checked adam4adam for messages and usually I'm just looking for friends to watch movies only. But last couple of days I was getting on myself again and wishing I was dead for my attraction. But there was message from Charlie Brown (not real name-profile name- Michael) that he would love to hook up, huge cock HIV-poz uses drugs and very good looking invited me over to his place to play with him and his boyfriend (Chris) who also is poz, and another young man (Topher age 26) who was negative but also likes to play with poz guys (we are not bug chasers, well sometimes I am but we take the risks and know the risks to have all natural feeling.) The weird thing is he is 28 just turned 28 normally not my type but i was just captivated for some reason. When I got there and was greeted in the room, a calming feeling as soon as i stepped in the door overtook me and energy just vibrated through out my body.
Turns out Michael and Chris are massage therapist too. And had more energy flowing through them and there house then I have ever felt.
Charlie Brown definately did not look like his picture (which turned out to be 7 years old) But he was more enduring the his picture, babyface and twinkish body gone, replace with a more rugged look. Nice just the same. He took me into his bedroom where is bf (late 40 something yo) siting there on the computer just wearing pants, Wasn't an Adonis or anything, slight pudgey hair chest, (actually the guys I am attacted to) but when I shook his hand, energy connected and engulfed us in a cocoon for a few brief seconds creating an orb of energy through the room. (Those who deal with energy, read people, or whatever understands what I am talking about about energy. I use energy in all I do and try to use it in any connection I make with people. Michael started to kiss me and i just about melted, he undid his pants revealing his cock and without a thought I went down on him (not a big fan of sucking usually)
I stripped down and we embraced with another connection of energy not as strong as his partners or anywhere close to what I experience with his partner later on. Tonight was not an out of body experience in was an in the body, in the moment experience that brought so much to the table. I was topped by all of them, and sucked by and (I actually topped, which i never do, Michael and Topher. ) I have smoked pot before and tried coke a couple of times, neither does anything much just relaxes my back which occasionally needs it, due to nothing else working. However, the intent tonight was to be fucked and due some drugs to drown out my SSA thoughts and hopefully OD or get HIV. However, they did not have any coke and just a little pot (this was after we exchanged energy- so the energy wasn't clouded) I was offered some TCP I originally was going to say no but after finding out what traces it leaves ( i said I would try it- Just stays in urine for 3 days at the most) Won't show up in blood or hair. However you will be up for at least a day. ( i had a quite of few nice hits) then they had their friend/supplier come over and brought us a sample of a liquid steroid that gets mixed in oj and it opens up the blood vessels and shortly after followed up with a significant slam. The four of us played nicely and hard with one another connecting on intimate levels that only made the sex and contact more powerful and encompassing.
The Greeks and Romans believed for a man to sleep with a man just because out of lust it was wrong and disapproved of. However if a man sleep or connect your bodies with another man, to learn, mentor, discover and share each others wisdom and knowledge then it was divine. Hey I like to talk...And my mind is very random doesn't stay in the moment and usually puts my foot in my mouth or takes away the mood. However we started talking about religion, me and that I was queer, weird and not normal for my experiences if done (it was a compliment, they were refreshed) However i do talk loud. We talked about the Prop * Gay marriage thing and life and society and wide variety of things with each person chiming in carry on the conversation learn and connecting,) We talked political and about porn (turns out they have seen my before and recognize my eyes and tatoos. ) We talked of our lives and bonding. Very rare does anyone carry on conversations during sex ( i like to connect with people and most people want wham bamm thank you mam), and everytime we finished a round of getting together we sit rest and talk. And true connection was going on. I do not feel weird about tonight it and it is not the drugs talking, but I feel rejuvenated, life, and camaraderie. This night was about sex but it was also about relating and building on the foundation of enlightenment. Now with Chris his energy just overflowed into mine and vice versa. I bottomed for him about 3 times and the last time there was a connection that was orgasmic that i was able to read him and him me. his cock in my ass was a nice comfort and thick, however the energy and connection him an i personally shared engulfed and wrapped us in a blanket of two worlds becoming one.
Chris is also bi however he perfers men and understood everywhere i was coming form and my life. as I laid there with Chris in Me no out of body experiences but i knew everything in life is going to be alright regardless. I feel no regret for this time, i don't feel guilty at all for hooking up tonight nor ashamed, i am not disgusted. The Romans and Greeks were right it is divine when two men connect in all aspects and there nothing to be guilty about it. I am blessed for the connections was made and the energy exchange for I have never felt like this in any way with anyone. For it was perfect and we were 4 men having sex with one another or just a good f*ck, gender disappeared when i was first touched by Michael and even more so by Chris and we were immortal beings together as one looking to serve and connect with one another.
I know this doesn't make sense how any of this can be but it does. We use only 10% of our brains however tonight it was being used in a lot more capacity to understand and appreciate the simple touch and needs of our fellow men.
I still don't like the thoughts of SSA and I will always hate my self for it. For I would ever be lucky to experience that connection and energy flow between two people ever again. Tonight was definitely different and has me completely perplexed and confused. i opened doors that have been closed for a long time. I am happy with myself at this moment not because of the sex but my spirit guides and guardians enlightening me and recharging me with other kindred spirits. It was more then sex that made it great, and i have said this a quite of few times already it was talking, connecting, and taping into the universe.
I know by giving in I am actually not worthy of the Temple and never would be. Its not that I ever feel guilty when i hook up in any form with a man persay, its not a religion thing its my hatred towards the actions that are performed on me and what I perform. i am comfortable usually for a few minutes or for the length of time spent with another guy, but down right hate giving in after trying to be good using hand other devices to try to control the urges. I hate having a hard time saying no and these desires that I cant control or get rid of. I hate that married LDS men many with children or children grown (these men are between 27-85 no kidding) who still love their wives but want to use me, use my massage services (even if meant paying more) to get off because they are not getting what they need from their spouses.
The Temple is my only solace to peace away from the world, I've told my bishops and Stake Presidents about my SSA many times its not something I can change even though i want to. The Temple has saved my life on many occasions when I need comfort, when i need to know like I matter for wanting to kill myself. The church is true and If i was to be disfellowshipped, or excommunicate me that would be instant death for me. I couldn't do it. Its the temple and the priesthood that has called me back to the Church time after time when i tried to leave. I just wish that this wasn't my cross to bear or problem on my shoulder.
I need to make a decision about the Temple and the priesthood.
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Thank you for your comment an/or question. it make take time to respond due to traveling abroad 2017.
katerina