Jan 12-31, 2010 the end to the beginning

Jan 12, 2012

I am still enthralled by last nights encounter and really enjoyed the touch, the bonding, and just everything.  Lets just say WOW!!!  

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Daily Horoscope with extended 

You can't make up your mind very easily today, and that may be driving you crazy. You need to get some advice, but deciding between advisers may pose its own little problems as well!

You're out on the cutting edge once again, making people wonder how they can keep going on with the same-old same-old. It's not that you want them to feel bad, but their lives could be so much better!

You're itching to jump ahead quickly -- but you can tell that you can't do so just yet. It's a good time for you to marshal your resources and wait a little longer until you know the time is right.

You need to figure out how to swing from pole to pole to balance all your activities today -- hard as that may seem at first. Your energy is just right for keeping everyone as happy as can be.

Try not to get too worked up over your own projects today -- you need to make sure that your time is free when you get caught up in someone else's mad dream. It's fun, but it's also a big deal.

Expect a string of happy moments that add up to something really neat today -- and it may presage something much bigger and sweeter coming. Your energy is pushing you in the right direction.

You need to push yourself a little harder, but you don't need to choose a course. If anything, you should find that your subconscious mind knows exactly where you need to be at any moment.

You're the center of whatever group you're in today, even if you're not the formal leader or the most outspoken member. Your ideas and energy just naturally organize those around you.

You've got quite a lot going on right now, so see if you can get your friends and colleagues to help out. If you're paying attention, you may be able to sneak something past an obstacle

This horoscope definitely is describing me today and knows me very well.
There is a thing to astrology, its not a tool of Satan, but used appropriate its a tool
to balance yourself with the universe.

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I leave for Calgary in two days, on Thursday, and will be there until Tuesday, check a few things out and see if everything will work out like I am hoping, if it doesn't work out Ill go into a holding pattern until I figure what I am doing, whether its Europe, Southern Virginia University or where ever the wind may take me.  This year is again about myself, figuring things out, find a direction, and live life the best I can.  I want to write a few more screen plays, start writing some books, produce and direct "An Old-Fashioned Christmas Story" if i get a budget I approve of.  Life is interesting, many curve balls are thrown at us but do I really want in life, in a relationship and can I stay with it.  I really do want to travel more this year if possible if not prepare for next year.

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Quote of the Day: Eternal Blessings of Marriage
"For some all is not complete in mortal life, for marriage and a family of their own have passed them by. But the great plan of happiness and the laws which govern it continue after death. Watched over by a kind and loving Heavenly Father, they will not, in the eternal pattern of things, be denied blessings necessary for their exaltation, including marriage and family. And it will be sweeter still because of the waiting and the longing."

—Boyd K. Packer, "The Standard of Truth Has Been Erected," Ensign, Nov. 2003, 25

This quote gives promise (its one that is on the Evergreen Internationals website to help people deal with SSA), while giving a promise it can be disheartening. It says if we don't find out Eternal Partner here in this Mortal Life that we will still be able to find one in the next life, the current stance of the LDS Church is that you are not to engage in homosexual behavior, so for those who are attracted to Men are suppose to be alone all their mortal life and then for those have lived with their life partner till death will have to choose a female for their eternal companion and have our free agency taken away?  I want that promise of a family here in this life.  I want to be a father and a husband. A loving Heavenly Father, would not subject his children to misery only, would he?  I just want to be happy an I will never be as long as I struggle with SSA.  Nights like last night aren't meant to be all the time, its a gift a small temporary sense of peace from a bond that you share between brothers.  It hurts to see myself struggle with SSA but it hurts even more for those who just want a chance to love someone and to have someone to call their own, when we make rules for the world on our morals and not those are being affected.

I love My Family and for their wonderful support of me in my life ad accept me for whatever I choose for myself, now only if i can ever accept myself.


Jan 13, 2010
I got 3  hours of sleep this morning after another long night.  The problem once I give in once and act on the SSA i go down a spiraling out of control roller coaster until I hit the bottom.  I need to get back to where I was and doing well and controlling the urges.  Last night I spent six hours having sex. Note to self I tried the drugs once no need to do it again.  the feeling is great especially during sex on G and Crystal but its the inability to sleep, even more horny, and when your body wheres of from the effects you feel tired and dragged.

Positive note leave tomorrow for Calgary for weekend.  Will be back on Tuesday.  And i will know for sure if I am moving up there in march after this visit also.

Jan 14, 2010
What is a boy suppose to do?

3 days later and I'm still feeling the after effects of the Crystal.  No wonder people get addicted to it.  They keep taking so the don't have to feel like shit when their bodies come off it.  Hey the sex was great (in matter of speaking), however its not the sex I want and now I am hating myself for it.  I have a migraine I can't get rid of, my body feels as its been run-over multiple times by a semi.  I need to be drinking more water then I am and I need to eat even though I not really hungry.  The last three days was nothing but an unprotected sex fest where I was the one being used.  I just want to be away from the homosexual thoughts, not give in to them.  I want a family, I want to be a father, i want to be married to a women.  This is not fair that I have to deal with this.  I don't like the attraction to men but it is there.  My life is just constantly one big mess.

Needless to say wont be taking that stuff ever again

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Facebook status as of 8:58a I am going to be 28 in a little over 5 months and I still don't have direction in my life. I have ambitions dreams and goals however every time I think I have myself figured out finally. The world and ideas change as the shifting wind. And when it comes to thinking and Ideas I am my own worst enemy. maybe i should just become a gypsy.

In lighter topic, sitting in SLC airport on my way to Calgary

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Arrived in Calgary about 830pm almost 13 hours later after leaving my house.  To find out they are not letting me in because of my perjury charge back in 2005 when i lied about my checks being stolen.  oh in a few years i can apply for rehabilitation status or try to go for a hearing at the Canadian consulate in the United States.  I can not get a head in life.  Every time I try to do something to better myself one road block after another and on top of that trying to deal with the SSA i really don't want to live this life.  Is this life even worth it.  

1025 pm still sitting in the waiting room waiting to here what is going on.  Obviously Canada wont be an option for school right now for at least a few years or to live, gave my notice on my place and job.  So the only backup i have currently is California.  A backup I never really want to use.

Its not like i have lived the best life lately. 

Jan 17, 2010

Lost and not found

Its been a long few days.  its funny, Canada did not allow me into the country however they took my passport and my suitcase with all my clothes, told me to take all my valuables including my laptop and everything and a change of clothes and told me come back at 11am.  So basically they were not letting me into the country but they were letting me into the country. Go Figure.

This one trip I just want to forget.  I need to go visit the consulate in LA when I am there, to see if they will let me otherwise i still have 3 years to wait for Canada.  So we will see what happens.  

I'm so lost in life..... luckily the sleeping around is losing it's appeal again.  Thank God and the destructive walk and sleeping with poz men I'm being deterred again.  I just don't want to live with theses thoughts and if I have them I want to be punished if I am going to have them.

I just tired of feeling alone, like my life doesn't go anywhere and just hitting road blocks, struggling with SSA and when I do give in i go on a spiral down whirlwind, I am tired of wanting to kill myself I'm tired not being able to accept me.  I am tired of not having support and not having anyone understand what i am going through.

I am 27 years old and can't find my foothold in this world at all. 

HOW DO I GIVE MY WHOLE HEART TO THE LORD
WHEN I CAN'T GIVE ME HEART TO MYSELF

HOW DO I MAKE A CHANGE
WHEN MY LIFE IS A MESS

Jan 21, 2010

So much for not having the desire to sleep around my days have been consisting of hooking up three 4 times a day or All night sessions with Chris and Michael on top of having Tina in the system. The sex on the stuff is great and gives you the endurance for all day and all night performance.  Smoking it is oj however the real rush and the real experience, is injecting it into the blood stream.  Havent worked up to me injecting my own yet so its usually Chris or whoever I am around with.  Its funny, i havent felt guilty at all however out of life I have mentally checked out and these sessons of sex and Tina bring me alive. they make me want to live, otherwise I just wish I was dead.  I actually don't even care what their HIV Status is.  Everything is just great.  However i need to make a good........

Jan 23, 2010

HELP My life is out of control and i can't stop it.  I'm addicted to Tina, in overcharges me in the sex drive and I don't want anything to do with same sex and day after day i have been hooking up..... HELP i have a big bruise welt on my arm from slamming last night.  I am really put of control and I don't know how to stop.  Suppose to be getting the house clean because I move out Feb. 1, and I don't even know hat my full plan is about where i am going to live and such

 Jan 24, 2010

HELP

If i don't figure out something soon I am going to be dead.  I've become anti-social, sleeping with every tom dick and harry, and slamming constantly.  I don't eat much, sleep very little and i have no control over anything (even though being controlled is erotic, wouldn't mind a daddy or mommy, master slave relationship).  I find myself glued to one spot for hours at a time.  When i realized it yesterday, and finally forced my self to eat and to take a piss.  I had been sitting on the couch for 9 hours online, seemed like it was only a couple of hours.  I need to ask for help, but to ask would not give me control and who do i tell with out them thinking differently about me. I need serious help would like to confide in my Uncle but he problem use that against me too.   No this would be the one he wouldn't want maybe make him not desire me at all.  I hate the whoring Ive been doing with men and women its fun and i just can't sop I desire sex sex sex.   I can't wait to get out of Utah.

been slammed twice today, however I don't think he diluted the first one, then he disappeared weird

Facebook posts

Life holds no prejudice, no remorse. We are pawns in this maze of confusion we call life. Who do u trust, who do u befriend-will they be loyal or will u be hung by the gallows. One must must adventure out to find what
was actually left behind. But what is let behind, no longer exist. Nothing is what it seems & every is... what is. lifes path is short but the journey is long. We stand still as time marches on, FROZEN!!

Muscles are stiff, body is tight, eyes are getting heavy meaning sleep is coming at a decent time for me (at least its coming) Appetite has been good today. And tomorrow is another day. now only if my brain can find
peace if its really there

Jan 27, 2010

Muscles are stiff, body is tight, eyes are getting heavy meaning sleep is coming at a decent time for me (at least its coming) Appetite has been good today. And tomorrow is another day. now only if my brain can find peace if its really there.

No Day like today! Today I'm feeling peachy!! Smiles...Cleaning is going a bit better and and 3p starts the official selling of my collection of stuff. sold some books already so come and stop by and find treasure untold. Lol. Check my notes and post for details and items for sale. 1304 E 900 S #9 Wed-Fri sale 

Jan 31, 2010

major migraine and the pressure behind my eyes unbearable. on top of that body is out of whack, spasming and hurting with energy zapped from the body allowing me to barely move. and to add icing to the cake I'm trying to finish the cleaning of my place since I'm out of it tomorrow

Finally its after midnight and we are finished. house is clean and empty. And in about 12 hours I hit the road  

March 24, 2015. this was hard this wasn't easy but its done and I how I am still alive is a miracle. the raw and naked truth i feel exposed. i still cant believe why I don't remember it but it was written in real time. i don't know what was going on why i was compelled to record it all but its done and now it is exposed I cant take it back and i can no longer hide. regretting i started this book but relieved I did at the same time.