ALC 12: West Oakland to Richmond

Today was an amazing nice day for riding in the east by with Meredith, Alyssa, and Johnny. We did 24.5 miles according to Map My Ride. it did not feel like a 24.5 mile ride maybe 15.  Even at halfway of our ride it did not feel like the 12 miles it said, when i say feel like I am referring to how my body was feeling not mental cognitive distance. My weeks total is 39 miles. it was a beautiful ride along the east side of the bay. the view was fantastic and it was basically all bike trails and no cars. even when we dealt with cars they more considerate than San Francisco drivers.  I was at peace. It was amazing i love being in my element, riding these days is me its who i am its an extraordinary out for me mentally, emotionally and physically as I over come some much each time I ride.  I am also hyperaware looking for and calling out blind spots grates anything that could have been a danger to the other riders with me and possible to people we pass. I am really blessed.  My ultimate goal besides a cross country ride is to get into cycling races and ride the tour de france im not worried about placing just finishing.  That is what i want to do.  I love I have great goals i am working hard to get to points to do them. And of course my ride celebatory rising of the bike to signify another completed ride

Riding the Wave

Finally crashed last night (Sat Morning) hard after only 5 hours in the previous 2 nights. Today has been a decent day woke up to phone going off as it had all morning it showed. Sponsor texted me as I was waking up saying she had to cancel do to toothache which was fine it gave me an extra hour of so to collect myself. I met with Meredith, Johnny, and Alyssa in West Oakland for my first East Bay ride. and we did a 25 mile to Richmond, See blog www.alckat.blogspot.com for more details. Tried eating this morning had to force 2 pieces of wheat bread and a glass of milk down. Still haven't eaten at 1am as I right this, not even a shake, I  barely eat, I cook I eat some and I want to throw up but I don't. I am diabetic and a cyclist i have to eat and I am going crazy I like food.  Not hungry most time and when I am food repulse me.  I am not that self conscious I don't think about my weight where i would be dealing with eating disorders. I took a shower and crashed for a bit when I got home from riding and really did not want to go to the meeting tonight but I have a commitment and while my head said one thing, my heart said another, and my body said another, and the voices where in all directions and spectrum. My anxiety was already was to a 4 or 5 with Giants winning and craziness already erupted on the street and I new Castro and everywhere in this city was going to be crazy with giants winning and this being Halloween weekend. So I went from 5 to 8 to 3 with my anxiety and such tonight proud if myself for controlling emotions had a few people on call just in case and utilized my skill tool box to keep for most part calm so I did not have to call anyone love distress tolerance did reach out while I was at a 5 and secured ride after my meeting so I did not have to risk any episodes on public transportation. I got to meet Kaylee's (the gangs karen) husband who came to visit her this weekend as she has been down here from eureka doing the program. I am really happy I validated my emotions was aware and utilized the skills i learned in the program, this is a big step for me, and just rode the wave and dealt with it.  I hung out with Kaylee and her husband a bit.  came home watrched once upon a time as catch up from last week. the gratitude meeting was wonderful and I am grateful i went and was able to celebrate others milestones and give them their chips. I also found out which has me emotional in a good way that an anonymous person paid for my ticket to the Clean and sober retreat I am going to next weekend where I will be celebrating 4 months on that day.  I am grateful for blogging i noticed i posted more than i wanted today on facebook which should have stuck to blog but its a process.  i need to eat something otherwise i am going to get sick and i need to try to get some sleep as i have church in morning and my Sunday School Class as well.

What is Kat doing for her today?

This morning was a fitful sleep nightmarish and reliving if the past. At least remained calm and focused on more positive and constructive things as I am freaked about being followed in my building and the person telling the desk person he is with me and tried to get me to say he was. Needless to say I rode out the event I am safe and okay. I am so tired naps aren't much and cant get a solid one in am running on little sleep last two nights and I am tired but can't sleep, have to love insomnia I wish Mr. Sandman would bring me some dreams.

So today was a melancholy day as I dealt with last nights incident, it was hard to focus and be in the moment. I ran errands today to pick up tickets for two events, one on tuesday where I am the point person on and will have the tickets for the group. Went and got my nails done and 3 broke off in no more than ten minutes of getting home. I came home and tried to nap was unable to. Jason came over for dinner of homemade refried beans over rice with catfish. I cook because I have to force myself to eat and even then I can't eat a lot. I actually want to throw it up but have started that. my health requires me to eat so does cycling which is the main reason i eat, when it actually is an inconvenience and repulses me. At least i had someone to cook for and it was good i made me a smaller portion and couldn't eat it all.  Jason and i went to a concert by a wonder pianist and the flow of his hands were amazing. After the concert we met up with the rest of the gang.  So it's been determine Jason is Will, I am Grace, Josh Is Jack and Kaylee Is Karen. We went to the Lookout and my job was chaperoning the 3 of them. Yay for red bull just what a sober insomniac needs. Jason and I are gr8 (gay straight) he's my gay husband and I'm the straight wife and it safe no expectations and enjoy each others company  and I go out with him to give approval on men. I absolutely love my gay boys. I left early as i was out of my element I dont drink and i dont socialize well when i am not drinking.

The bus home was chaotic and horrible and raised my stress level but  I am doing well remaining at a 3. I need sleep, hope i get sleep, its loud and crazy outside so more likely not. only have had 5 hours of sleep in 2 days. I meet with sponsor tomorrow and then do a 25 mile bike ride in east bay. 

I love when I dress what I consider casual people think I am dressed up, no its just I have fashion sense. the compliments are nice especially since been wearing it all day. the skills really are helping.

today i lived and got out of the house with friends and socialize the best i could, used the skills and enjoying friendships.

Another day

As I write this my body is in shut down mode as I am running on fumes with less than 3 hours of sleep.  I made beans last night as I went to bed for a few hours and had quesadillas for lunch with them. So when I came home I made homemade refried beans for the first time, which I have in the refrigerator for dinner tomorrow in which Jason will be coming over for dinner of catfish rice and refried beans, he is bring dessert, before the Piano Concerto performance of Mozart tomorrow night that the gang is actually going out together to and then we will go out for a night of music and clubbing, I am glad I am the sober one in order to watch over my gay boys :) and enjoy the great camaraderie.

Today I graduated the program and its bittersweet, wish i still had it to go through it was safe, and it really help give me the tools I need to deal with my emotions in a healthy and validating manner that helps reduce the frequency of severe distress situations.  I am incorporating the skills into my Therapy and was able to be able to be assertive in my therapy and ask for what I need such as I want and need a Tx plan as well as incorporating the skills into therapy as I am finally at a safe point in my life to begin working on the PTSD and BPD underlying issues to begin healing.  Its a challenged being dual diagnosed in life with mental health issues but its a challenge where the effects can be overcome.  The program which dealt in DBT or Dialectic Behavioral Therapy Skills has saved my life.  In the beginning of the program I went through severe triggers one to the point i engaged in one of my self harming behaviors and severely cut myself. I am grateful for my meds being under control and for once not feeling the extreme rollercoaster of emotions and moods and able to live in the moment. Now to get the voices and hallucinations under control and things would be ideal :) I learned a lot about myself in this program and it was healing.  I even allowed myself to make actual friends and be willing to hang out with in a bond of strong friendship. We are the gang, the core body of new friends and support for one another. 


The intimate conversations we can have freely with one another is uncanny and at this moment its not worrying about if i can trust them or not, its about can I be my authentic self have fun and live.

Tonight I had my visiting teaching group which was wonderful . Such edification among sisters when we meet and share in love, fellowship, and sacred bonding. Blessings eternal. Thanks to McCaye for hosting.

Afterwards I went to hang out with the gang at Jason's place great camaraderie, banter, life, and ability to be in the moment. When Kaylie and Josh left Jason and I continue to have some wonderful conversations together.  I think Jason I are going to be each other's core support. The actual friendships I have been able to take away from the program and group is uncanny.  The secret to all this tonight is love. Learning to love myself, allowing others to love me, loving one another and loving the moments. We know life is not perfect and we can accept that.  Love is is part of our toolbox and a gift to us when we embrace in a healthy and safe way as we declare and honor our values and selves.

I do need to find a part time job and I need to make sure I do one thing for me a day still and keep practicing the skills while keeping it fresh since I no longer have a program to help me with that.  I am considering doing another outpatient program to better myself and have the support, maybe a drug/alcohol one that i would go to once or a couple times a week.  I hopefully will do a blog daily with at least a check in of sorts a picture or two of the day. I am getting tired even though the insomnia is rampant last couple of days i know i will crash heavily tonight as soon as I get of this blog.  The only needs I have right now is to get a payee, work on a new place, a job to be self sufficient and to take care of myself as I am living my gift.

I took the car service home as I did not feel safe taking public transportation at midnight and coming into my building I was almost accosted. A guy walked in following me in and if it wasn't for front desk person it could have been horrible as the front desk asked who they were there for he told her for me, luckily they new better he tried talking me into saying yes as he moved toward me. I no longer feel safe in my building he was following me from the car.  I am shaken up right now utilizing skills to keep me safe emotional and distress low, but it brings back quite a bit for me. I need sleep and don't know if I'm going to be able tonight. Well the good thing the front desk wasn't on break.

Eternal Blessings to all.

Night with Lohengrin

Blessed Eternal,

I don't know if I could start off my first blog with a more pleasing post as this. I write this at 1:26 am on a Thursday, in the wee morning hours of my last program day, as well day of graduation from a program that I invested my life of the last month in. As a willing person of my own accord I took the steps to work on my emotional and mental health, since I had already began working on my physical health. With this said my life has never been better, and I am feeling actual peace in my life. My meds are under control, I have support systems in place, and I am living the skills I've learned as I traverse this path to a well balance me in my wholeness.  Group yesterday was about Distress Tolerance, it had been skills I actually learned my first week so I was the only one it wasn't new to and yet it was nice to see how my coping skills change and my understanding into more healthy things and ways. We have to name and do one thing everyday what we are going to do do for ourselves in the evening. This serves as a gift to ourselves. Mine was to go to the Opera.  So this brings me up to why I am still up at 138a an just getting home 40mins ago.

So I decided to herald in my graduation day with my favorite libretto what a wonderful choice and evening could not have been more perfect.  So I had an extraordinary evening with a wonderful friend. So full of life and joyful banter. Nothing could have made this night more perfect. Jason was the perfect date, a gentleman of gentlemen. Treated me like a queen, opened doors, held the umbrella, and knows how to carry on an intelligent conversation. There will be many more encounters, but that's it just encounters of friendship. I was in my element, Opera, and dressing up elegantly to go to the opera is one of my greatest life pleasures. And Lohengrin is one of my favorite librettos its a romanticism piece and I loved their rendition however i do want the 1979 version.  I also now own Gonoud's Faust which I have waited years for its a 5 act libretto or operetta which I am grateful for.  Jason allowed me to experience the moment in the fulness of times and moments.  I can't remember the time I had this much fun out with anyone. Jason bought hors d'oeuvres as we were late for seating for first act as he went to wrong building after parking the car so we watched it on the monitor and enjoyed a new experiences along with the Giants game at the same time from the employees.  We rejoined our seats the second act in the center of the house S120 S118. I was so blessed to be able share my favorite opera with Jason as he really enjoyed it. I was suppose to go with Andy and at the last minute could not so i immediately called Jason and he dropped what he was doing, stopped cooking, got dressed, and came and picked me up,  I love how it takes a guy no time to get ready. Hair alone not including makeup takes a half hour on my part especially drying. After the Opera we went to Tommy's Joint for delicious mouth melting food, i had the brisquet , he had the salmon.  There is a lot Jason and I learn from each other.

I live a champagne lifestyle on a diet coke budget.  And its funny as a kid there were 2 types of music i listen to the most was Spanish Marachi and Classical and my mom could understand how I liked either, and to this day I still love both. I have traveled and enjoyed the fine things of life on numerous occasions, I like to say I was raised with a wooden spoon as we were a military family, but i raised myself with a silver spoon. I am not at home in a bar, sporting event, or nascar race and I don't discount those who are. I rather my in an art opening, a museum, opera, symphony, ballet, theatre, traveling the world and looking at and enjoying period architecture, experiencing culture, fine dining, balls, and black tie and evening gown events.

Today I graduate with bittersweet emotions, but I am grateful for the skills I learned and will continue tovbuild mastery upon, I have already incorporated them into my therapy.  I am glad I took the initiative well betime i need to be leaving house in 6 hours.

With love and gratitude

ALC 12: A Caution to Beginning Riders from a Beginner

I know many like myself express when they begin ALC training they need to get in shape, they need to lose weight, they need tone down, and many more I need to do this.  The number one thing that will actually be harmful to a rider and also will set them back in their mileage is cutting carbs.  While all these diets tell people cut carbs its a damaging process to the body especially for a cyclist.  I am speaking from experience,  Our body needs carbs, it needs it to process on ride and non ride days to sustain our body's life force and stamina.  If it wasn't for LifeCycle Rep Julie Brown, I would never have realized the damage i was doing to my body as yes I was losing weight, but i was beginning not to sustain rides.  I peaked at 48 miles and I will admit I need to work at getting back up to that point as lean muscle or muscle trying to turn in to lean muscle wasn't getting the nutrients a food it was needing where I am struggling at 20 not to say I cant do 30 or 40, I just need to stick in the 30-40 mile range for now to build back up what I destroyed.

So how does one lose weight in a healthy weigh, with or without supplements; first eat complex carbs. Complex carbohydrate foods are basically those in wholegrain form such as wholegrain breads, oats, muesli and brown rice. Complex carbs are broken down into glucose more slowly than simple carbohydrate and thus provide a gradual steady stream of energy throughout the day. Natural carbs are also a better choice when losing weight. Change your white flour for wheat flour.

Stay away from simple or these bad carbs

• White bread (the number one bogeyman!)
• Potatoes (especially fried because of the added fat and cholesterol)
• White flour pasta (as opposed to whole wheat pasta)
• White rice
• Burger buns
• Tortillas and wraps (unless made with whole wheat flour)
• Breadcrumbs on fried chicken
• Bread sticks
• Cookies and biscuits, unless they’re whole wheat digestives
• Pizza dough

You can lose weight by eating healthy carbs including foods that have natural carbs. Especially as a cyclist Continue to eat complex carb as you need it before a ride and during a ride especially after to replace all you lost. Eat foods in high proteins such as eggplant, yams, fish, and chicken and much more and you will lose the weight and get is shape at the time and if you want to gain we ight you can eat more and increase your portion size. Eat small snacks through out the day and smaller portions at meals

ALC 12: I am still doing it

Almost 2 and half months has passes since I started riding and I am still riding.  My health is still doing great minus some fatigue again but nothing I am not able to overcome.  My biggest ride to date is a 48 mile ride (including ride home) and this was the training ride kickoff. I have been riding on the weekends by myself working up the mileage.  Prior to 48 miles I did the a route from the Ferry Building up over Fort Mason to Golden Gate Bridge down past baker beach to North Beach and back through Golden Gate Park and home via Haight and Market. Also did the Fairfax ride as well.  I am riding 10-20 miles easily and doing hills today was 14.63 miles started feeling sick so did not do the headlands which was a great thing as the rain was coming in.  I try to ride at least 10 miles a couple times a week.  I love being able to just get on the bike and ride anywhere.  I have a passion in life an expensive passion in life but I live for cycling and it is my peace time and mindfulness when I ride nothing else matters and there is something about just being out in the world on the bike that just gives a new perspective to the world and life.  to date I have lost 14 lbs and gained 8 in lean muscle.  I have been doing the Transformation kit of Visalus and I love Visalus. My sugar level has been normalized since being on it and many of my healh problems are almost non existent.  People have notice I have slimmed down.  I have gone down a pants size losing this gut.  I plan on doing ALC 12 next year 545 miles in 7 days, the double bay double (two centuries), the ride for semperfi, as I prepare and traing for a cross country ride. To date I have raise $250, check is in mail from building manager for $20.  PLEASE DONATE. $10,000 which is my goal as I was wrangled into it, provides services for 250 people for another year. 10,000 is much when I think of it as my meds are 10k a year, so i can at least raise the cost of my prescriptions for services for 250 people.

www.tofighthiv.org/goto/kdulac

ALC 12: the Sponsorship Letter

On February 21st, 2010 I had my world turned upside down when I was given an HIV
positive result at the Desert AIDS Project in Palm Springs. I decided I was not going
to be a victim of circumstance and instead would put a face on HIV/AIDS. I worked in
outreach and prevention as an advocate, peer educator and mentor. I taught HIV 101
at Berkeley High and sat on the HIV Prevention Planning Council, all while my health
continued to deteriorate.

I decided to do something greater for others and for my health. I decided to train for the
AIDS/Lifecycle. I borrowed a bike and after only a few weeks I’m already up to 48
mile rides! I am riding for those unable to ride. I am riding for those who have passed
on and are no longer here with us because of HIV/AIDS. I ride for those who have been
effected and affected by HIV/AIDS in hope of bringing a better quality of life to them.
The money I raise will be used to provide services these people need provided by San
Francisco AIDS Foundation and Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center. I am riding for
LIFE. I am riding because I AM A SURVIVOR!!!!!

I answered the call to make a difference in my life and for those around me as well. Will
you answer the call to donate?

My biggest fundraiser is ride jersey that I will wear with the Positive Pedaler logo which
will be a tribute to those living with HIV/AIDS and those who have lost their fight. To
have a tribute placed on the Jersey a minimum of $250 is required. Those who pledge
$500 will receive a t-shirt with the same design as the Jersey.

My goal is to raise 10k, but every dollar makes a difference. You can make a one time
donation, or you can do a monthly pledge as well. All donations are tax deductable.

Thank you so much for your consideration and your support.

With gratitude,

Katerina G. du Lac

Positive Pedaler and AIDS/LifeCycle Rider 2984
http://www.tofighthiv.org/goto/kdulac

ALC 12: Why I ride?

I have chronic severe pain and fatigue, mobility issues, neuropathy, asthma, type II diabetes (diet control still) battle with seizures even though they have been pretty non existant  for a bit, and now the onset of demetia and this does not include my mental health issues.  When i got home the end of July after 3 months of travels with my health deteriorating during the trip, by some miracle my health started to turn around as I had more energy and strength than I have had in a long time. So I decided to seize hold of this energy and strength and got a gym membership to work on overcoming my health obstacles and get rid of the can'ts in my life and try to improve the quality of my life. Since i was training at the gym I decided if I can do this I am going to do something greater for me and my health. I am going to train for the AIDS Lifecycle.


Why am I riding and training for the AIDS Lifecycle? First and foremost, and it may come off selfish however the truth is I am riding for myself.  I spent the last few years serving and volunteering for everyone else except for the person that matter the most at the time and that was myself. I allowed my health to deteriorate while i wanted to live and put a face on HIV I was unable to take care of my health or me as in the ways needed or truthfully did not realize i was taking care of myself. I've taken a year off of major volunteer commitments focusing deeper on my health, sobriety, physical and mental well being and really living. I ride as a first year ALC rider and first year positive pedaler in tribute of myself, my life, and all I have overcome and for the person I am becoming. I ride because I am HIV+ and to show others that life does not end when the become positive it ends when you give up and I am the type of person who doesn't like to be told i can't to something or that my goals are unrealistic.  I have spent my life reaching for the stars and I am not only going to ride the 545 miles in ALC 12 from San Francisco to Los Angeles in June I am already planning on riding cross country for charity and myself as well.
 

Even those this year this ride is dedicated to myself for my first ride, I am part of something greater than me at the same time. I am also riding for those unable to ride for many reasons. I am riding for those who have passed on and are no longer here with us because of HIV/AIDS. I ride for those who have been effected and affected by HIV/AIDS in hope to bring a better quality of life to those the money I raise along with the money my ALC and Posped Family raises to provide the services these people need that are funded by the San Francisco AIDS Foundation and the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbain Center. I am riding for LIFE.

I am riding because I AM A SURVIVOR!!!!!

Please Donate to my ride for ALC 12 monthly or one time gift options available. please donate via link ask me to mail you or email you a form for your credit card to mail in or send a check to

AIDS/LifeCycle
Dept 34745
P.O Box 39000
San Francisco, CA 94139

on check mark it: Katerina du Lac 2984

www.tofighthiv.org/goto/kdulac