Another day

As I write this my body is in shut down mode as I am running on fumes with less than 3 hours of sleep.  I made beans last night as I went to bed for a few hours and had quesadillas for lunch with them. So when I came home I made homemade refried beans for the first time, which I have in the refrigerator for dinner tomorrow in which Jason will be coming over for dinner of catfish rice and refried beans, he is bring dessert, before the Piano Concerto performance of Mozart tomorrow night that the gang is actually going out together to and then we will go out for a night of music and clubbing, I am glad I am the sober one in order to watch over my gay boys :) and enjoy the great camaraderie.

Today I graduated the program and its bittersweet, wish i still had it to go through it was safe, and it really help give me the tools I need to deal with my emotions in a healthy and validating manner that helps reduce the frequency of severe distress situations.  I am incorporating the skills into my Therapy and was able to be able to be assertive in my therapy and ask for what I need such as I want and need a Tx plan as well as incorporating the skills into therapy as I am finally at a safe point in my life to begin working on the PTSD and BPD underlying issues to begin healing.  Its a challenged being dual diagnosed in life with mental health issues but its a challenge where the effects can be overcome.  The program which dealt in DBT or Dialectic Behavioral Therapy Skills has saved my life.  In the beginning of the program I went through severe triggers one to the point i engaged in one of my self harming behaviors and severely cut myself. I am grateful for my meds being under control and for once not feeling the extreme rollercoaster of emotions and moods and able to live in the moment. Now to get the voices and hallucinations under control and things would be ideal :) I learned a lot about myself in this program and it was healing.  I even allowed myself to make actual friends and be willing to hang out with in a bond of strong friendship. We are the gang, the core body of new friends and support for one another. 


The intimate conversations we can have freely with one another is uncanny and at this moment its not worrying about if i can trust them or not, its about can I be my authentic self have fun and live.

Tonight I had my visiting teaching group which was wonderful . Such edification among sisters when we meet and share in love, fellowship, and sacred bonding. Blessings eternal. Thanks to McCaye for hosting.

Afterwards I went to hang out with the gang at Jason's place great camaraderie, banter, life, and ability to be in the moment. When Kaylie and Josh left Jason and I continue to have some wonderful conversations together.  I think Jason I are going to be each other's core support. The actual friendships I have been able to take away from the program and group is uncanny.  The secret to all this tonight is love. Learning to love myself, allowing others to love me, loving one another and loving the moments. We know life is not perfect and we can accept that.  Love is is part of our toolbox and a gift to us when we embrace in a healthy and safe way as we declare and honor our values and selves.

I do need to find a part time job and I need to make sure I do one thing for me a day still and keep practicing the skills while keeping it fresh since I no longer have a program to help me with that.  I am considering doing another outpatient program to better myself and have the support, maybe a drug/alcohol one that i would go to once or a couple times a week.  I hopefully will do a blog daily with at least a check in of sorts a picture or two of the day. I am getting tired even though the insomnia is rampant last couple of days i know i will crash heavily tonight as soon as I get of this blog.  The only needs I have right now is to get a payee, work on a new place, a job to be self sufficient and to take care of myself as I am living my gift.

I took the car service home as I did not feel safe taking public transportation at midnight and coming into my building I was almost accosted. A guy walked in following me in and if it wasn't for front desk person it could have been horrible as the front desk asked who they were there for he told her for me, luckily they new better he tried talking me into saying yes as he moved toward me. I no longer feel safe in my building he was following me from the car.  I am shaken up right now utilizing skills to keep me safe emotional and distress low, but it brings back quite a bit for me. I need sleep and don't know if I'm going to be able tonight. Well the good thing the front desk wasn't on break.

Eternal Blessings to all.