Why does it take going through a serious problem for one to pick up their journal? I wish I could just disappear. Abbie and I broke up Saturday, today is Tuesday and I am still taking it hard. We were together for 9 months actually over 9 months and engaged and he calls it off. It just wasn't working. I've been blank, anti-social, and very suicidal and I can't stop crying. I just want to drive off a cliff. Almost did and God has a way of intervening even when you don't want him too. The clear.........
I have a long way till I come out I am just realizing its a long journey not just admitting your gay or whatever but also about personal growth and maturity. Its about experience and also the willingness to accept others help in the process, its about finding your niche where you can finally be happy with your true self. I feel the coming out process is never over because of the countless opportunities to discover different components of your life and to be able to accept them for what they are: pieces of you. Being out doesn't mean you have to plaster your lifestyle all over the place, it means being comfortable with who are regardless what others may think. I have been in and out of the closet so many times and I thought I finally came out a year ago and over time I was able to tell people in my life even my LDS Fraternity that I was gay. By all sense of the word I am gay I am sexually attracted to men and only to men, I sleep with men however this is where it gets complicated. I am realizing that yes I am a male, but genderely I relate more to the female gender. I am a male on the outside but more female on the inside. Looking back on my childhood it actually has been apparent and no secret. Stealing my sisters panties especially with the ruffles and wearing them to school (Elem-middle school) Enjoyed playing barbies with my sisters, stealing my sisters dresses and wearing them. Pretending and wishing I was a girl a princess, tucking my cock in to pretend i had a vagina. AL my friends were female. I do drag to pretend I am a female. I more interested in jewelry women's at that. Call it gay if you want but I am a woman inside. That actually scares me because I am already a freak to people, my family is just getting used to the idea of me being gay well Kind of. and now another bombshell to my life. Just because I feel that I am female inside it doesn't mean however i want to have an operation or take hormones even though I have thought about it a lot over the years. Now I know why, I love my body and I look hot. However in drag people don't believe I am a man. My life is just beginning. None of this is new. I am just finally being honest.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Finding Faith in Yourself (An Interfaith Service talk For U of U Pride Week)
Written For Wednesday 22 October 2008
This talk was actually harder to write then I thought. I love to talk as those who know me would vouch, however I had a hard time coming up with word without sounding patronizing or becoming a self help novel- even though I need all the help I can get. I will try to keep it short for sake of time and also your tender ears.
We live in a society where we are told how to live our lives, that being gay is a sin, an abomination; that gays are perverts and lesbians are even more confused. We are also told that transgender are freaks and our allies are wrong for defending the LGBT Community. That gays or women should not be ministers nor should individuals of the LGBT community serve in a position of the church. We are ostracized and told that we need to change ourselves and hide who we are to fit in order to fit into the mainstream of life. However who is to say that mainstream society are the ones who do not fit into the schemes of things. We live in a changing world where things are becoming more and more accepted. Hey just look at Connecticut, just becoming the third state to allow same sex marriage. We have a generation who is more accepting and every year we have more and more allies join the cause to fight for rights of the LGBT community, however first I want to say it is great we have our allies and their work and affirmation is appreciated, but their work is in vain as long as the LGBT community as well as all individuals continue to look for affirmation from others.
We as individuals, regardless of sexuality, religion, race, creed, social status etc. need to find our own acceptance, our own faith within ourselves. We want to be accepted by communities and the world as individuals, while majority of the time we can not accept ourselves for being who we are. We tend to let sexuality, religious beliefs, churches, and social stigma dictate how we should live our lives. We allow ourselves to be told this is how we must live and this is what you have to do to fit in, and you have to be this sort of person to serve or worship in a particular faith. The thing is we do not need to be affirmed, or live our lives to please others. Who we are as an individual, has to do with accepting yourself as a person, believing in your faith, following your heart, accepting your appearance and most importantly loving yourself.
Case example. I was raped and molested as a kid at the age of 6 and 12. I hated the world and I hated myself. I hid myself in a world of fantasy to escape to find a place to belong. I raised myself in religion and the doctrines of churches. I taught myself homosexuality was wrong, and pushed myself deep into indoctrination of the Bible. I sold my body into the slavery of prostitution and porn, got married so I would not be gay, became a minister because ministers are not gay at all, later I joined the LDS church tried to hide myself in missions and the temple, I tried my hardest to fit into the mainstream of society and be what society wanted to dictate for me while looking for that acceptance in all the wrong places. I tried to be everything that everyone wanted me to be and then some but the one person I could not be was the one of who I wanted to be. I wanted people to accept me for who I was however I could not accept myself as a person nor in reality accept others affirmation of myself because there was no foundation to it. I tried to start being myself when I told my wife I was gay and after the divorce I thought I can truly be myself. However within a few months I was back in the closet because I could not accept myself. Burying myself deep within church and trying to be someone I wasn’t because I wasn’t willing to face the hurt and rejection that comes with in my opinion being gay. I went back to drinking, I tried everything I could to be someone different even though none of my friends or family cared if I was gay or not. It was myself who could not deal with it. I finally came to realization, after the last time trying to kill myself, because I could not measure up to the way and the person I knew the LDS church wanted for me, that the only way I would ever be truly happy was to find myself, was to love myself for who I was. When I came out the closet for the last time I realized that it doesn’t matter what others thought about me being gay or not but what I felt about me as an individual. I was no longer ashamed of myself but was willing to be me no matter what others thought.
Trust me it’s not easy to allow yourself to break from the bondage of thoughts feelings and society implications however it is liberating. I realized my accepting myself for me, in my case my sexuality in others it can be something different, that it does not change my beliefs and doesn’t change me as a person but adds a completeness to me. It makes me ME! In doing so my depression, my self esteem and self worth all improved. Am I still LDS, yes I still hold fast to many beliefs of the church never asked to be removed but I’m nondenominational in helping others regardless of their religious beliefs to be themselves and bridge the gaps between religions as well as helping others realize that its ok to be gay and still hold on to your beliefs, its ok to be be part of a religion or not. Just main message be yourself.
We have a lot of people being told what to believe how to believe, being told how to live your life. The main thing is you need to be yourself, need to love yourself, you need to live for the opportunity to be yourself to love yourself for who you are, not what you are. you can still have your faith and belong to your church whether LDS, apostolic, Baptists, Jewish, Muslim, Pagan, Wiccan, non denominational, or any religion, sexuality does not define who you are, sexuality does not define what religion you should be part of, sexuality is who are as a part of a whole. Just because you are gay does not mean that you can not be Mormon, Just because your gay does not mean you can’t be a Republican. There are many facets to life, too many people are being caught up on the ideology of society, too many people are allowing themselves to be cohearsed and suggested you have to live a certain way because you are this type of person or because you are this or that. The true thing is you need to be yourself regardless, don’t worry about what other people tell you, but what truly matters inside of you is what really counts and truly matters in the long run. To be able to accept yourself for who you are regardless if other people look down on you because of your religion, sexuality, or that big huge zit on your forehead. But accepting yourself and loving yourself for who you are and not what people can define you as you know is truly what matters the most. It is what will get you ahead in this world, it will come and suppress all oppression and will really help you be in tuned with yourself and love yourself. Think of yourself as a flower; that you as a person is the stem and the petals are different facets of what makes you as a whole. Some may have more petals then others, while others have allowed their petals to wilt away. your petals are the very things that make you you. Examples a persons petals or facets can consist of your cognitive, spiritual, social, emotional, and sexuality. Some may have allowed their petals to wilt away and only have a few or some have a lot more. Its how you see yourself as a whole. Be yourself focuses on all aspects of you life coexisting with one another. Which is the idea that society just needs to coexist together. we get to many people telling others there is only one way to live only one right, At the same time though we can not force our beliefs, our way of life onto other people. It’s great to be well knowledge and well verse at the same time we need to have a healthy balance and be able to allow other people to have their own beliefs and to choose for themselves what they want in life.
This talk was actually harder to write then I thought. I love to talk as those who know me would vouch, however I had a hard time coming up with word without sounding patronizing or becoming a self help novel- even though I need all the help I can get. I will try to keep it short for sake of time and also your tender ears.
We live in a society where we are told how to live our lives, that being gay is a sin, an abomination; that gays are perverts and lesbians are even more confused. We are also told that transgender are freaks and our allies are wrong for defending the LGBT Community. That gays or women should not be ministers nor should individuals of the LGBT community serve in a position of the church. We are ostracized and told that we need to change ourselves and hide who we are to fit in order to fit into the mainstream of life. However who is to say that mainstream society are the ones who do not fit into the schemes of things. We live in a changing world where things are becoming more and more accepted. Hey just look at Connecticut, just becoming the third state to allow same sex marriage. We have a generation who is more accepting and every year we have more and more allies join the cause to fight for rights of the LGBT community, however first I want to say it is great we have our allies and their work and affirmation is appreciated, but their work is in vain as long as the LGBT community as well as all individuals continue to look for affirmation from others.
We as individuals, regardless of sexuality, religion, race, creed, social status etc. need to find our own acceptance, our own faith within ourselves. We want to be accepted by communities and the world as individuals, while majority of the time we can not accept ourselves for being who we are. We tend to let sexuality, religious beliefs, churches, and social stigma dictate how we should live our lives. We allow ourselves to be told this is how we must live and this is what you have to do to fit in, and you have to be this sort of person to serve or worship in a particular faith. The thing is we do not need to be affirmed, or live our lives to please others. Who we are as an individual, has to do with accepting yourself as a person, believing in your faith, following your heart, accepting your appearance and most importantly loving yourself.
Case example. I was raped and molested as a kid at the age of 6 and 12. I hated the world and I hated myself. I hid myself in a world of fantasy to escape to find a place to belong. I raised myself in religion and the doctrines of churches. I taught myself homosexuality was wrong, and pushed myself deep into indoctrination of the Bible. I sold my body into the slavery of prostitution and porn, got married so I would not be gay, became a minister because ministers are not gay at all, later I joined the LDS church tried to hide myself in missions and the temple, I tried my hardest to fit into the mainstream of society and be what society wanted to dictate for me while looking for that acceptance in all the wrong places. I tried to be everything that everyone wanted me to be and then some but the one person I could not be was the one of who I wanted to be. I wanted people to accept me for who I was however I could not accept myself as a person nor in reality accept others affirmation of myself because there was no foundation to it. I tried to start being myself when I told my wife I was gay and after the divorce I thought I can truly be myself. However within a few months I was back in the closet because I could not accept myself. Burying myself deep within church and trying to be someone I wasn’t because I wasn’t willing to face the hurt and rejection that comes with in my opinion being gay. I went back to drinking, I tried everything I could to be someone different even though none of my friends or family cared if I was gay or not. It was myself who could not deal with it. I finally came to realization, after the last time trying to kill myself, because I could not measure up to the way and the person I knew the LDS church wanted for me, that the only way I would ever be truly happy was to find myself, was to love myself for who I was. When I came out the closet for the last time I realized that it doesn’t matter what others thought about me being gay or not but what I felt about me as an individual. I was no longer ashamed of myself but was willing to be me no matter what others thought.
Trust me it’s not easy to allow yourself to break from the bondage of thoughts feelings and society implications however it is liberating. I realized my accepting myself for me, in my case my sexuality in others it can be something different, that it does not change my beliefs and doesn’t change me as a person but adds a completeness to me. It makes me ME! In doing so my depression, my self esteem and self worth all improved. Am I still LDS, yes I still hold fast to many beliefs of the church never asked to be removed but I’m nondenominational in helping others regardless of their religious beliefs to be themselves and bridge the gaps between religions as well as helping others realize that its ok to be gay and still hold on to your beliefs, its ok to be be part of a religion or not. Just main message be yourself.
We have a lot of people being told what to believe how to believe, being told how to live your life. The main thing is you need to be yourself, need to love yourself, you need to live for the opportunity to be yourself to love yourself for who you are, not what you are. you can still have your faith and belong to your church whether LDS, apostolic, Baptists, Jewish, Muslim, Pagan, Wiccan, non denominational, or any religion, sexuality does not define who you are, sexuality does not define what religion you should be part of, sexuality is who are as a part of a whole. Just because you are gay does not mean that you can not be Mormon, Just because your gay does not mean you can’t be a Republican. There are many facets to life, too many people are being caught up on the ideology of society, too many people are allowing themselves to be cohearsed and suggested you have to live a certain way because you are this type of person or because you are this or that. The true thing is you need to be yourself regardless, don’t worry about what other people tell you, but what truly matters inside of you is what really counts and truly matters in the long run. To be able to accept yourself for who you are regardless if other people look down on you because of your religion, sexuality, or that big huge zit on your forehead. But accepting yourself and loving yourself for who you are and not what people can define you as you know is truly what matters the most. It is what will get you ahead in this world, it will come and suppress all oppression and will really help you be in tuned with yourself and love yourself. Think of yourself as a flower; that you as a person is the stem and the petals are different facets of what makes you as a whole. Some may have more petals then others, while others have allowed their petals to wilt away. your petals are the very things that make you you. Examples a persons petals or facets can consist of your cognitive, spiritual, social, emotional, and sexuality. Some may have allowed their petals to wilt away and only have a few or some have a lot more. Its how you see yourself as a whole. Be yourself focuses on all aspects of you life coexisting with one another. Which is the idea that society just needs to coexist together. we get to many people telling others there is only one way to live only one right, At the same time though we can not force our beliefs, our way of life onto other people. It’s great to be well knowledge and well verse at the same time we need to have a healthy balance and be able to allow other people to have their own beliefs and to choose for themselves what they want in life.
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