Why does it take going through a serious problem for one to pick up their journal?  I wish I could just disappear.  Abbie and I broke up Saturday, today is Tuesday and I am still taking it hard.  We were together for 9 months actually over 9 months and engaged and he calls it off.  It just wasn't working. I've been blank, anti-social, and very suicidal and I can't stop crying.  I just want to drive off a cliff. Almost did and God has a way of intervening even when you don't want him too.  The clear.........

I have a long way till I come out I am just realizing its a long journey not just admitting your gay or whatever but also about personal growth and maturity.  Its about experience and also the willingness to accept others help in the process, its about finding your niche where you can finally be happy with your true self.  I feel the coming out process is never over because of the countless opportunities to discover different components of your life and to be able to accept them for what they are: pieces of you.  Being out doesn't mean you have to plaster your lifestyle all over the place, it means being comfortable with who are regardless what others may think.  I have been in and out of the closet so many times and I thought I finally came out a year ago and over time I was able to tell people in my life even my LDS Fraternity that I was gay.  By all sense of the word I am gay I am sexually attracted to men and only to men, I sleep with men however this is where it gets complicated. I am realizing that yes I am a male, but genderely I relate more to the female gender. I am a male on the outside but more female on the inside.  Looking back on my childhood it actually has been apparent and no secret.  Stealing my sisters panties especially with the ruffles and wearing them to school (Elem-middle school) Enjoyed playing barbies with my sisters, stealing my sisters dresses and wearing them.  Pretending and wishing I was a girl a princess, tucking my cock in to pretend i had a vagina.  AL my friends were female.  I do drag to pretend I am a female.  I more interested in jewelry women's at that.  Call it gay if you want but I am a woman inside.  That actually scares me because I am already a freak to people, my family is just getting used to the idea of me being gay well Kind of. and now another bombshell to my life.  Just because I feel that I am female inside it doesn't mean however i want to have an operation or take hormones even though I have thought about it a lot over the years.  Now I know why, I love my body and I look hot.  However in drag people don't believe I am a man.  My life is just beginning.  None of this is new.  I am just finally being honest.