Love means you never have to say you are sorry

I like men, I occasionally have sex with men more frequently then not.  The thoughts and fantasy's run through my head constantly.  I've been with hundreds of guys and I wish that was an exaggeration.  Yet only one made me feel like a person, made me see that there is more to life than just sex, more to a relationship than sexual content.  Robert made me feel special and treated me with respect.  He taught me to look for love and not settle, he taught me how to build a healthy foundation of friendship, trust, and companionship above all else.  He above all encouraged me to be myself and don't change who I am for anyone.  I have had sex with two women in my life, made out with five and was married to one for 4 years.

The five months with Robert were special and lacked sex.  I really want to be a father and have a proper family, wife, kids, etc.  But can I make myself attracted to women or am i just inexperienced in that department and need to sleep with more women.  However, doing so would be going against the church which I just became active again but so is sleeping with men, neither do I really want to do and how fair would it be to the women with me just using them.  However, how can I live the life I want without knowing if I can so would it be ok to sleep around with women if it meant turning me away from men or do i just sit and twiddle my thumbs living a life that is against the church, and against one i don't want to live or do I suffer and take the chance and go through another divorce.  The only other choice is to be alone for the rest of my life and to me that's not an option.

----I need to condition myself and look to the temple and the scriptures---

I know that Heavenly Father loves me regardless and I just need to turn to him for all things....




Today Mon. Dec 3 starts the last week of my first semester back to the school.  School is definitely not easy.  It's been a challenging semester with my back problems, laziness, and AT times lack of motivation.  Dropping a class early on to get more hours at work that a couple of weeks later left me without those hours due to hiring a new teacher and a thousand and change deeper into the hole from my loan.  I am looking, forward to this short break and to the start of a fresh semester.  I have applied at a few jobs this semester because I am not making enough money at Washington Elementary School.  Valley Mental health turned me down and today I should hear whether or not I get the job at Westridge Academy.  Fingers crossed really hope i get it.  It would really help free me financially, give me medical and dental insurance, and give me a job with a solid LDS foundation base.  

Other notes: my sister just found out Friday that she lost custody of her daughter.  Her e-husband got primary custody due to the judge saying he was more mature than Jenna


Well in closing- brief things to mention is that my grandfather finally published his book "An Old-Fashioned Christmas Story," and it came available at Thanksgiving.  This was a story I grew up listening to every Christmas.  Well I will write more later because its bed time for me 10:45 class comes early and it 2:45a right now.  Till later


MATTERS OF THE HEART
When the season comes that the heart is ripe for the picking.
It is able to be plucked from the branches of life with ease.
Love freely given has no separate giver or receiver
And is not chained or shackled by the bonds of time
It is not enough to love where there is no reciprocation
When the time comes that the heart is tossed upon the compost heap
You find that is does not become as it once was and can not be mended
However, you must let the old rot away in order that it may be used as fertilizer
To create an object of desire once more........


1030p
I am finding it hard to let Robert go.  I have no problem with him dating.  However I do have a problem with him showing affection to his new fling in front of me in my own house, affection he never showed me, and it barely been 3 weeks since we broke up, because he said he wasn't ready for a relationship.  You would think he would have the decency to do be courteous enough and do it away from me.

AARGH AARGH AARGH AARGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH

I hope I get the job at Westridge Academy I should find out tomorrow

1246a

I write this with joy and peace knowing the Lord provides the way and is the Great Comforter. I have been going through a few rough patches but i know there is a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere.  Thanksgiving was great I was invited to go to Robert's family's places with him for Thanksgiving; really had a nice time.  Robert and I broke up before Thanksgiving a few days before 6 months. We still are excellent friends and I am blessed to have him in my life.  It's a good thing  I was returning to the LDS church anyways, and at least my relationship with Robert was strictly platonic.  I will always be attracted to men and that can't be helped but I do want a family.

I have been going back to the temple and very involved with the University 46th ward 5th Stake for the University of Utah.

I have been walking a lot more with my cane and I also use a wheelchair now to help me get around.

11 NOVEMBER 2007

What an opportunity to pick up in journal writing a feat that has kind of been placed on the back burner.  I pick up this journal and start rerecording my entry back into the LDS church.  When I came out of the closet I accepted me being gay.  It did not change the truthfulness of the church.  I am required to follow the law of the LDS church no matter what for it is the true church.  I may be be gay but I am LDS and I will do what it takes to CTR for it is my duty no matter what to seek the truth and do the Lord's will no matter the consequences.

FOLLOW THE LORD'S WILL NO MATTER THE CONSEQUENCES

Adventures of Baby Drew

I have been an ABDL all my life. I am open about wearing and love being babied by others. 2002 or 2003 can't remember at moment I was working for Sears and injured my back so I had to wear diapers off and on anyways due to partial bladder incontinence. I had just finished my PhD in Divinty (non accredited seminary) even though I previously have a BA in Pastoral Counseling and am licensed and ordained as a minister. I have worked in Social Services as a case manager, Social Worker, and counseling attributed to bypassing the MSW route and went through the Pastoral route. However, due to returning to school for Theatre and Film Studies as I was beginning to work in film I had to take the University of Utah's General Education requirements which I wasn't able to test out of, especially since I toyed with idea of getting my MSW; So I had to take Sociology and Psychology 101 again, which was fine, however I would have fun in my Sociology Class and dared to be different and for my project do one which was unique. I for whatever reason am not ashamed of being babied and diapered it has afforded my unique experiences in my life growing up, as it was something that i embraced, treated as normal, and interactions I had were different than others because it served as identity verses fetish, and wasn't anyway an act of aggression toward others or children. Friends treated it normal and open even among family. It also allowed me to see that people only have problems with things when one tries to hide things or are uncomfortable in their own skin, and that uncomfort makes others react the same way especially if you are unable to articulate why. I had three negative experiences during the course of the project but nothing huge. Overall successful, I did get to explain short explanation if people pushed that it was a Sociology experiment. Received an A on the assignment. The end, it allowed me to talk and educate on what is the ABDL umbrella, how it wasn't anyway related to pedophilia, and the differences between infantilism (which I fall under)and the spectrum including the fetish side. Below is the Journal for the assignment, will post paper if and when I find it. Adventures of Baby Drew Part 1 8-25-07 The Adventures is a series of days in the life of Baby Drew a freshman at the University of Utah who is doing Sociology project of experiencing and evaluating reactions of people by doing something that is not considered the norm in Salt Lake County Society. This will be a record on the places and the people he comes in contact with armed with just a diaper, t-shirt, pacifier and bottle. Some days he may have a friend taking pictures other days he may be alone.

Walmart

Baby Drew went to Walmart to purchase a few thinks to use for his project, wearing only white tennis shoes as well as a diaper with Elmo tape, a blue shirt and bottle. He goes into Wal-Mart to buy some pacifiers a transformer shirt and a blankie with the thought that they would not let him in. The reactions he got were ok; some laughed to themselves, others laughed out loud, some turned their heads away to try avoid looking, while others looked with a disgusted face. While standing in line some asked if they could take pictures on their cell phones and as he came up to cashier she could not keep from laughing and just laughed uncontrollably.

Valley Fair Mall

After Wal-Mart Baby Drew went to the Valley Fair Mall, as he arrived and started walking to the food court he received comments like that F’in sick, hell that s gross man. Baby Drew then proceeded through the food court and bought some lunch, the girl at the counter about 19 or 20 years old thought Baby Drew was sexy. By this time unlike Wal-Mart he had on the transformer shirt, and was carrying his blankie. Again you had people just stare and others whispering comments to each other. Again people were coming up taking pictures. Baby Drew bought some lotion form Bath and Body Works. He then proceeded into another store where a girl called security with out saying anything to him because she was offended that a guy was in a diaper. Security ushered Baby Drew out of the Mall because they said you had to be fully clothed.

South Towne Mall

Baby Drew after being escorted out of Valley Fair Mall went to South Towne Mall there he found the people to be very favorable. Baby Drew was again in his new transformer shirt, of course diaper and had his blankie, pacifier, and bottle. He had people laugh, think it was cute, wanted pictures of Baby Drew and them, think it was some kind of initiation, ask if it was a school project and all. Baby Drew had opportunities to explain that this was a sociology assignment to those who asked. Baby Drew also went to the toy store and looked at games and a teddy bear. He also went shopping bought some shoes at payless where the cashier pretended not to notice. Bought a pink shirt at Express where the cashier thought it was great and that he needed to go to college to have assignments like this. And Baby Drew did not get kicked out.

Maverick

After Baby Drew Left for his joyous adventure he stopped at Maverick to get some more juice and to get gas. Baby Drew even pumped the gas. Baby Drew got weird lucks while in line to pay however one person said he was crazy.

Gateway Shopping Center

Next Baby Drew continued onto the Gateway Mall to do some more shopping here he was greeted with smile and perplexed looks. Baby Drew walked up to the Train Depot where he was stopped by a security guard and asked what was going on while he called for another security guard. Here they had a discussion if it was appropriated for baby Drew to be wearing just a diaper in public finally they agreed that Baby Drew was clothed so it was ok. So Baby Drew then went to Barnes and Nobles and tried reading some children’s books while the store employees looked on wondering what’s going on and why is a guy in a diaper until one asked and we told her it was for sociology class. Many people took pictures with their phones, while others wanted to pose with baby drew. Others made comments how brave Baby Drew was and that he had balls, while others though laughed, thought it was great and others gave disgusting looks. The head security asked us to leave after being there for almost an hour until I came back wearing pants. At least he did not escort us out. I think it was because a friend was taking pictures.

Smiths

Finally last stop was Smiths, Baby Drew needed to get some Pepsi. He had a bunch of people look and laugh, no one made any rude comment and the cashier said this was nothing compared to what she has seen.

Home

After being gone for 5 hours 5pm to 10pm Baby Drew is tired. Baby Drew goes home and climbs into bed with his blankie and falls asleep.

My thoughts and feelings of the day. I definitely received a wide variety of expressions and emotions. I received both negative and positive comments. However it is interesting I got kicked out of the Valley Fair Mall and asked to leave from the Gateway mall and not Wal-mart I was thinking if anything I would not be allowed into wal-mart. It was very interesting to see the diverse reactions from different age groups with the teenagers and college age students majority positive, a lot of laughing, a lot of pictures taken, and comments being made. Did have a couple of negative comments. With the older crowds they either were laughing or pretending I wasn’t there some had disgusted looks on their face but majority smiled. It was a diverse reaction from different malls and stores it would be interesting to see the reactions of people in other social aspects such as theatres, school, restraints, the bus, and trax, and many others. So the Adventures of Baby Drew to be continued.

University of Utah 8-27-07

Today Baby Drew adventures to the University of Utah to his Monday Classes. On His way to school he rode the bus and the reactions were priceless. Baby Drew pretended nothing was out of the ordinary however the bus driver had a shocked look on his face will others laughed and one woman thought she was going to piss her pants. Baby Drew was asked why he was dressed this way and he stated that it was for a Sociology Class to observe and evaluate peoples reactions of doing something out of the social norm of society.

While waiting for trax not to many showed any notice of Baby Drew accept the drivers passing by just staring. On the Trax heading up to the U on lady asked if she was suppose to tickle Baby Drew because of the Elmo on his diaper. Baby Drew said I hope not.

Baby Drew hears people making comments to one another around school before he heads to class like he is probably making a statement (hmmmm. what statement could could Baby Drew make, diapers are cool, or that the world is safer as a child. lol please.) Maybe its a dare or an initiation of some kind are other comments make as well as it probably for a class, beside that they comment on how crazy baby drew is, how cute he is

7 JULY 2007

The moon is shining brightly on the glassy lake illuminating my soul as the night bringeth me much joy.
(describing a good mood i am in)

my soul explodes with enigmatic energy and serene thoughts as my heart pours of love and like a mighty rushing the vast ocean of life.  (a great mood im in)

1)the sorrow of the setting sun brings darkness to our path but the promise of dawns rays illuminates hope as if a candle was lit to light the darken path.

2)when sorrow befalls, the raven reaps and raps at the door sayingnevermore, but the dove brings hope and clarity to ones soul

Luck is but a more mans wish, but the treasure is what one makes of the current situation.


#'s 1 &2 are on hope



CLOSING NIGHT OF LITTLE MERMAID
Tonight was closing night of the Little Mermaid.

It was a nice run.  It was a wonderful opportunity to once again be on stage.  I was a sailor, ballroom dancer, and courtier.  It was wonderful working with the Academy of Performing Arts.

14 MAY 2004

I asked to be released from my callings at church.  I am actually leaving the LDS Church.  I am getting rid of my garments.  I am leaving because I admit I am gay and I've taken the door to the closet of its hinges.

Ryan is an awesome guy we spent the whole weekend together cuddling again.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I SMOKED POT

17 APRIL 2007

The body is nothing but the dripping wax of a candle,  With our spirits as the flame shinning brighter as we allow ourselves to experience the euphoria of realizing your true inner self.

Be guided as molding wax that can be molded differently each time we reach the next level of perfection.

Maui

These entries fall in somewhere between April 16th and the 22nd while in maui

---

None is poor, O Bhikha
Every one hath got rubies in his bundle.
But how to open the knot he doth not know
And therefore his a Pauper!
-Bhikha (an Indian Saint)

Each and everyone of us has been given gifts and talents.  Its how we use them (our rubies) that allows us to be successful or not.  Until we accept and magnify what we have been given and not focus on what we lack we will never reach the euphoric state that we so desire within our subconscious utopia.  If we appreciate the small things we will be entrusted with the great thing of the world.

Is the sun only the bringer of life and light or is it merely a metaphor of our inner-self as entrusted guardians and lightworkers that by our energy that we provide light and life to one another or on the flip a plague of darkness and death,  It's by our actions that a reaction will happen

---

In a world where the celestial body of moon shines ambiently over the land with the brightness and spirit of that smile of a Cheshire Cat.  A land that must be reached by chasing the white rabbit down the metaphoric rabbit hole of ones self and allowing the magic of self realization to lead them to their euphoria of nirvanic bliss.  The heart of Maui beats as ceremonial drums inviting those wandering travelers and seekers of relaxation from the world beyond, and if the traveler is more daring a journey of enlightenment, the quest for the beauty and the understanding of ones inner light.

A step back in time for some, others freedom of time as the age of hope, peace, and love cries from the hearts of those the world and time has labeled as hippies when they are truly of the seed of understanding; those who can see past socialism, and governmental tyranny, ones who treat the living mother we call home, call earth as a vessel in our search for truth and enlightenment.  The ideologies that are freely expressed are that of us, all who are spiritualists, seekers of thE truth, seekers of the inner light, crusaders seeking for the Holy Grail.

The ocean beats the dance of love that even after every tempest there is a calm.  With theology of finding ones inner self we are commissioned to elevate our thoughts that we may work to achieve perfection through that paths that we laid out each time before returning to earth that we may continue our vision quest.  Until the time that one can free themselves of the religious and social dogmas that plague and imprison their essence that one can not be free for until one is comfortable with their religious path, sexuality, appearance, handicaps and such then you are a slave to your conscious.  For once you free yourself of consciousness then you may dwell in existence and harmony with your conscious and subconscious.....

heading home from NYC to go to maui

As with my previous entry let me try to recap.  As of the last entry 8th of Apr.  I came out to New York to interview as a house boi.  I had the great privilege to visit the Hill Cumorah and also the sacred grove  where Joseph Smith had his First Vision.  Btw I am not taking the position.  I also had a great opportunity where i just spent a whole week of Broadway shows and sightseeing in NYC.  I am literally and utterly exhausted.  Great shows though.

mon. Chicago with Bebe Neuwirth
tues. Legally Blonde
wed. Mamma Mia
Thurs. Phantom of the Opera
Sat.  Rent and Hairspray

I went to rockefeller square, ellis and liberty island ad just dis sightseeing.  2 weeks ago I saw wicked in Chicago.  I am on my way home today just to leave in 2 days for Hawaii.

Lately,  I just haven't had the desire to write in my journal.  I am just running through life in a blah in a mist of my mind.  I thought I use to know what I wanted sexually, beliefs, I am even finding myself ashamed of the LDS Church.  I don't even know if I have a testimony.

I don't read my scriptures, pray, don't go to church much, I'm sleeping around, drinking, not foing to the temple obviously.  I have no drive to do anything

Apr 8, 2004

Great way to start this journal is to fall behind.  This journal will be journal two and I will fill in the other journals as I find them.  Well there is a lot to recap.  However I will start with the accounts of yesterday and today.

First I want to say as I have mentioned countless times before that my life is indeed a manifestation of Babylon to my own demise.  However there is redemption and joy does indeed comes in the morning.  For the Love of our Savior shines forth as an internal and external light of hope peace and love.  However, it only shines brightly as long as we keep it filled with oil of the gospel and fulfilling the obligations commanded by our Heavenly Father.  As the song reads " For the Beauty of the Earth," we are to be greateful with majestic praise to the Lord of all.

For the beauty of the earth For the beauty of the skies,
For the love which from our birth  Over and around us lies
For the beauty of each hour  Of the day and of the night
Hill and vale, and tree and flow'r Sun and Moon, and stars of light
For the joy of human love, Brother, sister, parent, child
Friends on earth, and friend above, for all gentle thoughts and mild
Lord of all, to thee we raise, This greatful hymn of praise

Regardless of the troubles I face in life, regardless of the the tempest I allow myself to be tossed upon, regardless of sexuality.  I need not lose my testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel

*Did not finish this entry in my journal

on my space profile

Alma 29.9  I know that which the Lord hath commanded me, and I glory in it.  I do not glory of myself, but I glory in that which the Lord hath commanded me; yea, and this is my glory. that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God to bring some soul to repentance; and this is my joy.

It is very hard for me to trust people let alone open up to people. Well I have decided that I am going to let people help me, support me, and get close to me.  Both family and friends alike.  I am no longer afraid to be myself and don't care what anyone else thinks.  I am 25 year old and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I struggle with SSA, or SGA or whatever you want to call it.  Basically I stuggle with Same Gender Attraction.  However there is a difference from struggling with it and participating in it.  I am working to overcome these thoughts or at least deal with them in a healthy way.  I am going to overcome through the support of my family and friends, and also through a great Support Group through Evergreen International.  Its not that I like being with guys its just that intimate bonding, and cuddling of being hugged and feel like your loved even for just a short period of time.  If I had my way I would have gotten rid of these thoughts a long time ago.  But this is my cross I have to deal with.  I may always have these thoughts but i definitely can reduce the urges and thoughts and not act on them.  It is my plan to be married in the temple and raise a family.  You can overcome and be freed from the shackles and chains of bondage of this addiction through the faith and love of Heavenly Father.  I am sending some books to my family so they can support me in this. 

But I recommend for anyone struggling with SSA or SGA that you read Resolving Homosexual Problems: A guide For LDS Men By Jason Parks. And for those who wish to Support friends and family who are going this same problem. Helping LDS men Resolve their homosexual problems by Jason Parks. Both books can be bought at Deseret Book or online.  And these books are for all men whether LDS or not.

As a convert to the church I testify that this church is the true church and the only true church having the proper authority to preform the Lord's ordinances for the glorification of the Kingdom of God.  I know that President Gordon B. Hinckley is the true prophet, seer and revelator currently in this dispensation and that he is called by God and not by man.  I know that without a doubt that Joseph Smith was and is a true prophet called by God to restore the church. And I testify that the Book of Mormon is a true testament of our Savior's love for use.  I say these things in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, Amen.

Jan 6, 2007

As a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I hold an even deeper appreciation for the truthfulness of the gospel.  What a privilege and honor to be a member of the restored church, to be a priest in the Melchizedek priesthood with the keys to work in the kingdom building of our most high.  I have always had the desire to serve Heavenly Father but I have never been able to do it with the zeal and the Holy Ghost reigning in my life.  I have been going to church on my own since the  age of 10...........

don't know where i was going with this