My life seems to be the proverbial rabbit hole and when one returns from an awakening it takes all but you can to smash the looking glass but doing so would senf you back down the rabbit hole. I am an expert at breaking the looking glass and often prefer falling down the rabbit hole in some form of self sabotage, as I dont feel like I deserve anything good. After process last night I realized i have never been in a healthy relationship, don't know how to have one, don't know what return love is in one that isnt shown through some type of abuse, and yet to be or feel alone is like solitary confinement with sensory deprivation. Im very neurotic and right now im just figuring things out, and the holidays often cause this in me, but this is a dangerous time for me. Im stuck in ruminating loop of when Christmas became a time i want to just sleep through every year, while i have my own actions to be responsible in my part but neither the intiator or only party involved im the enemy it seems but they can forgive the other person after they finally and thankfully was honest to te other person.
. i am a dry addict as my behavior when in a neurotic and bipolar behavior is worse than active using, but I feel like a part of me I let die or I really lost myself this year into a dark abyss, i was willing and all but did compromise everything about me, morals, self, everything and Im just now almost 5 months later realizing just how close to stepping over hard limit lines and all but destroyed everything. my head is very scary right now. I stepped back from everything because of the monster I had becoming and now I am trying to love myself through things, forgive myself, and figure out life. i turn my back on faith, and held many resentments and while im letting go of resentments reclaiming faith i did never realized the impact it caused as its the most rewarding clarity but im holding on to my sanity as my picture i took yesterday shows how depressed I am and scared I am. I am sober because I have to be for jobs and because im owner of sober organization but realized its the only reason and i need to find out and i need to find out why I want to be sober for long lasting purposes verses any reason i think off it seems to have a time limit as even with an upcoming surgery i have no solid reason beyond the fact that using only creates problems in healing process of an incomparable immune system. I have a desire to use but just that i things to i needs sober attention. but that means i am just slight judgement away to use.
I wont lie about using if asked when i have used, its an integrity issue with me, my thing im a worse dry addict than using because i get trapped in my head and creating a hot mess and a world of judgementI i lie to myself and say since i feel like im using i might as well as use, because people think you are using might as well so at least you dont have to prove anything. Especially when I dont and eat I dont sleep and I am alway worried about lookig perfect feeling perfect and i see things in myself thta infact no one else would even have thought. It takes longer each time I go out to get a sense of where i was to get any sense of normalcy and this time is the hardest aqnd longest as i was a bad time out there, i still feel like im out there. I dont think id make it this time. last tie i said id probably die and not mad it back. I did die in OD revived in ambulance in April. made back after i remained out for awhile after OD. i learned what it was like to take care of me when i returned to sobriety but i did not plan for the time within sobriety when you start dealing with everything as soon as the wall started to crumble. HOW DO YOU BE NICE TO YOURSELF WHEN YOU HATE THE PERSON YOU SEEING IN THE MIRROR.
