I like men, I occasionally have sex with men more frequently then not. The thoughts and fantasy's run through my head constantly. I've been with hundreds of guys and I wish that was an exaggeration. Yet only one made me feel like a person, made me see that there is more to life than just sex, more to a relationship than sexual content. Robert made me feel special and treated me with respect. He taught me to look for love and not settle, he taught me how to build a healthy foundation of friendship, trust, and companionship above all else. He above all encouraged me to be myself and don't change who I am for anyone. I have had sex with two women in my life, made out with five and was married to one for 4 years.
The five months with Robert were special and lacked sex. I really want to be a father and have a proper family, wife, kids, etc. But can I make myself attracted to women or am i just inexperienced in that department and need to sleep with more women. However, doing so would be going against the church which I just became active again but so is sleeping with men, neither do I really want to do and how fair would it be to the women with me just using them. However, how can I live the life I want without knowing if I can so would it be ok to sleep around with women if it meant turning me away from men or do i just sit and twiddle my thumbs living a life that is against the church, and against one i don't want to live or do I suffer and take the chance and go through another divorce. The only other choice is to be alone for the rest of my life and to me that's not an option.
----I need to condition myself and look to the temple and the scriptures---
I know that Heavenly Father loves me regardless and I just need to turn to him for all things....
Today Mon. Dec 3 starts the last week of my first semester back to the school. School is definitely not easy. It's been a challenging semester with my back problems, laziness, and AT times lack of motivation. Dropping a class early on to get more hours at work that a couple of weeks later left me without those hours due to hiring a new teacher and a thousand and change deeper into the hole from my loan. I am looking, forward to this short break and to the start of a fresh semester. I have applied at a few jobs this semester because I am not making enough money at Washington Elementary School. Valley Mental health turned me down and today I should hear whether or not I get the job at Westridge Academy. Fingers crossed really hope i get it. It would really help free me financially, give me medical and dental insurance, and give me a job with a solid LDS foundation base.
Other notes: my sister just found out Friday that she lost custody of her daughter. Her e-husband got primary custody due to the judge saying he was more mature than Jenna
Well in closing- brief things to mention is that my grandfather finally published his book "An Old-Fashioned Christmas Story," and it came available at Thanksgiving. This was a story I grew up listening to every Christmas. Well I will write more later because its bed time for me 10:45 class comes early and it 2:45a right now. Till later
MATTERS OF THE HEART
When the season comes that the heart is ripe for the picking.
It is able to be plucked from the branches of life with ease.
Love freely given has no separate giver or receiver
And is not chained or shackled by the bonds of time
It is not enough to love where there is no reciprocation
When the time comes that the heart is tossed upon the compost heap
You find that is does not become as it once was and can not be mended
However, you must let the old rot away in order that it may be used as fertilizer
To create an object of desire once more........
1030p
I am finding it hard to let Robert go. I have no problem with him dating. However I do have a problem with him showing affection to his new fling in front of me in my own house, affection he never showed me, and it barely been 3 weeks since we broke up, because he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. You would think he would have the decency to do be courteous enough and do it away from me.
AARGH AARGH AARGH AARGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH
I hope I get the job at Westridge Academy I should find out tomorrow
