The Catalyst of dangerous kind.

March 24th,2015 For me time has healed these wounds. through therapy and working the steps in recovery i own my part and I have forgiven my Uncle. He told his wife about it the last 3 . years. According to him it was part of his sickness and worked steps around sex and porn addiction. This is one of the hardest entries to put in my blog and book but sets the stage for what I have blocked the last 5 years. I had forgotten about the entry below as well i had detached long ago. By this time I had pushed the events and reasons around my suicide attempt in April when i drove my car into the reservoir. Denying what I boldly made a statement declaring as resolution to the suicide attempt 3 days before, in front of the Student Body at University of Utah dressed as well as a woman that i was a woman during the Day of Silence ceremonies. Within months I was buried in callings at church and about to marry a woman and willing to pretend that what i felt for years and what I promised myself did not matter, the only thing that matter was what people thought of me. And thus i laid the foundation of destruction and the reason behind the hell I have been through in the last five years as well as Redemption and being able to be authentic. 

Just 10 days before I made I was going to do what I set out in beginning of the year and I was going to take time for myself. Europe was back on the agenda I was in good Spirits. i had life by its horns and was ready to ride. [See previous blog Making Plans Dec 16-25]



Dec 26, 2009 Journal Entry
I went and did baptisms with Nathan today at the St. George temple had the privilege and honor of baptizing and confirming him as proxy for those who needed their work done.  

In my chaotic world even though half the time I probably are not worthy to enter the temple due to falling and being intimate with a guy whether cuddling, or receiving a bj, or giving one occasionally,  the temple is the only place my heart finds solace away from myself and into my Heavenly Father arms.

I was cheated again of my experience of the love and joy I felt in the temple earlier today when again I gave into my uncle as I did the first time 3 years ago.  He made the hints yesterday after I gave him a massage that he wished I was able to massage more of him and massage him completely and I ignored and let it go through one ear and out the other.  However this evening again, he made the comments that he wishes we could share that intimate bond again that we shared before but doesn't want to pressure me into doing anything i don't want to do.  Here I played the victim again and said its ok whatever you want.  He had me suck him off as he laid in front of his bedroom door so no one would come in. Lick his nipples and rub my body against his as he watched.  Very cold, no feeling, nothing returned in touch embrace like i am just an object for his pleasure.  Always the same, he says it feels good and is very special to him and I leave disgusted and hurt, putting on a face that everything is ok and that it is just as special for me. Every time this happens I say its not going to happen but it does anyways.  This time was in his bedroom while Terri was at work and the boys downstairs, and other times in his gym while others were in the house, or on a hike to redrock, or he would walk in naked when i was in the bathroom wanting something. The very first time was Christmas of 2006.  I wanted to just hibernate that Christmas but I had to deliver employee paychecks all over Utah and Idaho so they would have Christmas money and my last stop was St. George.  i already was suicidal trying yet again to get rid of these homosexual thoughts and Chris knew what I was going through because he was one person I use to confide in and he had the nerve that first morning i was the as I laid on the couch that he has had feelings for me for sometime and thought that we could share an even more personal and intimate bond.  He also started rubbing my cock and then whipped his out for me to suck.  I was hesitant but he insisted saying that it just be something special between friends and brothers.  and I finally succumbed. 

Again i have fallen again after doing so well for awhile of not doing anything with a man and I had to do something with him, FAMILY.   I wish i would just leave this earth now instead of keep having this reoccur.  Can't say anything about him to anyone, can't confess it to my Bishop because i can not be the cause of the priesthood being taken out of his Family.  Especially with the boys looking up to him and needing the priesthood example in his life.

Again more reason to stay away more and more even though I want to be around my cousins.


Afterthought that was written in
I am 27 years old I should be able to say no to him.  The why in the world can't I.

http://realintentkat.blogspot.com/2009/12/ending-year-dec-29-31.html