Blogs resurfacing from the past to hold a torch that brightens the future

Thursday, January 01, 2009 5:02 AM

I have brought back some blogs form the last few years to start this blog off.  To be a testimony that we all go through our valleys of troubles  but we can overcome them.  I feel like these entries quite often as if it were the same black and white movie playing over and over.  The thing is as you read this blog it comes apparent things are not as black and white, but full of array of colors that creates a beautiful masterpiece that we call life. We may not always agree with the current times but the light is always there if you look past the gloom.  I like these blogs that I'm illustrating because it shows my metaphoric style of writing and live on in the very soul of my physical being.   But as the gloom and self torment appears in the beginning the light shines at the end of this blog.

Life holds no prejudice, no remorse.  Every person is equal game as pawns in this maze of confusion we call life.  Who do you trust, who do you befriend- will those you choose be loyal or will the hang you by the gallows.  Every person out to make themselves look good hiding behind the masks of deceit not worrying about who they step on or the lives they destroy.  They release a Pandoras Box of rumors that spread and destroy the essence of ones life like a plague of locusts.  Is it worth continuing or do you just wave the white flag of surrender.  Do you retaliate with live fire into neutral territory beginning mass destruction on all who comes in contact or do you play the passive role and put on the facade that nothing is the matter.  How do you rebuild the ruins of the soul and the sphere of reality once the tempest blows over?  How do you face those who are infected with the poison, wondering who has been infected and who hasn't and what are people thinking and not thinking?  Can one truly overcome this or are they forever damned due to the selfishness and the venom of hatred of an individual.  Even faith is tried and just ready to give up on everything.  Was it a mistake to move out here to Utah, where it seems everything worked for has been in vain and has just disappeared faster than it was to build it?

Demons thirst greedily on the soul that they may suck all happiness out of life, plunging one into complete darkness of confusion and depression.  Does ones past ever laid to rest or will it forever haunt you as a dark encompassing shadow, menace?  Aren't the desires of your heart and your faith good enough to surpass all things, then why is it impossible to escape the poison of the past.  If ones desires of the heart and soul line up with ones faith and the teachings of the Bible then that should be enough.  How many times do you have to deal with the past, put it behind you, before you are released from bondage of the shackles and chains that keep you from moving on in life?  I know the teachings of the Bible and the Book of Mormon are true and my heart desires line up with them.  Yet the feelings and the poison of the past plagues my life.  Every time I deal with it people disappear as ghost from my life and every time I run it catches up and defiles and destroys everything close and dear as if it were seeping acid that burns at the slightest touch.

Can the box ever truly be closed, and if it so what steps must be taken to close it.  Or is darkness predestined to rule in ones life?  Sometimes drowning the memories seems the only way taking the pain and confusion.  However I must keep focused with my sights set on the Lord.  A favorite song of mine from Delirious Trading My Sorrows says:
         

I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame, I'm laying them done for the joy of the Lord.  I'm trading my sickness, I'm trading my pain for the joy of the Lord.....  I'm pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned. Struck down but not destroyed.  I am blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure and His joy is going to be mine strength. Though the sorrow may last through the night joy comes with themorning.  

Even then sometimes these words seem hollow.  I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
 
I am walking through Babylon whoring at the world, no place to turn no place to run but to feast off the mere existence we call life.  My problems rape me over and over like a sinister being that uses and abuses unsuspecting prey.  Confusion and drama suck the very marrow out of you like vampires thirsting and lusting.  Do i know what i want and what i desire, or do i continue to allow myself to be tortured
in the torture room of my mind.  I would fly on heavens wings to greater glory but to have my wings rip to shred just as  take off.  I grip for the iron rod and try to hold fast but my grip slips away as if it was an illusion of trickery which wasn't there at all.  I am in love with idols and worship them daily, for I have trouble leaving behind their worldly promises.  My body is  a poison spreading to all who i have in contact whether good or bad.  Silent ears tend to fall, where I am left alone on this dark path with out a lantern, when glory appears you reach for and try to achieve but are yanked down back into the monstrous pits of hell.  Babylon holds no promises of happiness but does promise destruction.  It is up to us find our own joy and fondness. Nothing but hurt and drama which I'm tired of. I refuse to give my heart to anyone to have it stepped on and shattered.  I refuse to allow myself any longer to be chained and shackled and confined to the prison of standards of others but to be free and live by my standards. 

Relationships come and go just as the tide flows with the time of day.  Heartache comes and we can dwell on the minuscule details of the picture or paint with the vibrant colors of life and look to each day as a new adventure.  To accept ones self to live the life of the being that you were created to be, creates a self identity that belongs to you and one that should be cherished.  For being individuals is what creates the enigmatic self being one that guides us on our path.  We need to always reach for the stars and to be helping hands to those in need.

We can allow ourselves to be thrown into a depression of self pity and victimization or we can move on and embrace our journey with admiration and love and take the best that life can give us.  We all have our downtrodden days but it is up to us to release oursleves from the shackles and bondage.