Pen to Paper- being restored to sanity Aug 2, 2014

My sponsor recently told me he wants me to put pen to paper before putting it into digital format, to make my thoughts more tangible. What better way than now. I'm feeling restless and uncomfortable at the moment as I am here at work in a vast empty room alone to my own thoughts. I have never been able to watch "Pulp Fiction" all the way through, I've only seen bits and pieces to it and I don't think I have ever seen the beginning of it, if I had I don't remember otherwise I wouldn't have tried watching it. Within the first 15 minutes of it I am guessing I was put into a bad headspace….. I was put into this headspace after they showed the flash of blood. The vibrant red swirl from pulling back the syringe plunger and as a visual person that visual was powerful enough to freak me out and took me back to the end of my addiction when it became about the ritualization more so than using. I had enter into a dark realm where I did not believe there was an escape to ever be had. I was willing to cross every hard limit I had and would have landed in jail and or death. All reason was gone, the drugs had control and there wasn't any humanely escape. I had had enough but I was trapped. I fell flat on my face metaphorically; I was broken and shattered, I was lost. I am exhausted as I write this, but it's good to write this.
I am connected and interconnected today in the fellowships because of service. Service keeps me sober especially at the levels I am in service. I was lifted out of darkness when I had no human will left, I was done and defeated and that is when I found redemption and restoration in a will and within a Power Greater than myself. I was restored to sanity which no human power could do and I learned to surrender and let it go. Through the use of and the incorporation of the steps, working with a sponsor, being of service, going to meetings, and the use of CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy not Cock Ball Torture for my perverted friends) and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills a new foundation had been laid and I started to see the miracles of sobriety or Promises transform my life for the better. I was no longer allowed to sit in judgment of myself nor was I allowed to use labels to demonize myself. I found an interconnectedness within the Divine that wasn't codependent on faith or religion. I begin to love myself, believe I was worth it, that I deserve good things and a great life. In doing so I got the job, the place, gave up my subsidies, working on getting off social security and most importantly I learned to be present, to belong to myself so that I could unselfishly belong to others. I acknowledge that I haven't worked a perfect program that I have worked saved my life. I'm living life on life's terms and this solution has gotten to me where I am today. I know a new sense of belonging. The feelings of emptiness and loneliness have disappeared and I am finding new ways of interconnecting in the Divine. Today I get to nurture the goddess within. I'm still having a hard time shaking the visualization from the movie but it lessens as I keep writing pen to paper. I am reminded how destructive my addiction was when the tears started to roll, how the thought and images raced through m y head after seeing it on the screen , the exact thing I brooded and ritualized over in the end of my active addiction and I just felt like I was ripped open. I would rather be singled tailed right now in the moment. I find myself grateful that the desire to drink and use was lifted a long time ago.