I had forgotten about one of the rewarding and perhaps the most
important piece of my life's lesson that I was to learn in order to find
my own freedom. And I still forgo the lesson that follows this because I
allowed hate and anger to consume me creating an illusion of
entitlement and until I was able to let go and stop taking hostages and
allow people to break my walls down; while it wasn't easy, it became the
most liberating experience I'm glad today my privilege isn't about what
I am entitled to but a reminder of where I have been, where I am today,
and that I am walking a path of gratitude, my privilege rears its head
when i'm impatient or that I begin to act like I know it all.
To
those that have it, privilege is subjective, as much as we try to leave
it at the door, we can't because it is inept in who we are. It fuels our
emotions, our actions, and then we choose to be offended and to have
the audacity to claim that your privilege allows to you to know and
vocalize to trans* community that we understand what you are going
through, how you must feel. and can only imagine your suffering. The
thing is that the White elephant in the room is right in front of
everyone's eyes and yet no one can see it unless you never had it to
begin with in the first place, and that is exactly what cis-gender
privilege is, the elephant in the room. It is frustrating to be told
that you understand what it feels like to want and attempt to perform
multiple self surgeries on your genitals as early a 5 years old; or
being told you get what trans* people go through and it gets better you
just need to give it to God. There is no possible way to understand what
we go through when other trans* folk don't even know everything about
their friends and what they endured, for that matter we are selves are
having to face life daily. I myself am white as dictated by the color of
my skin, (even though I don't identify as white but as Native American
which is mostly for spiritual purpose),so unfortunately in this country,
the United States of America, having white skin automatically inserts
and imprints itself upon you whether or not you wanted it or chose it as
white skin dictates an unspoken superiority and privilege from the the
moment you were born. However if you are a white woman you will find
that privilege doesn't quite have they same footing in the world as that
of your male counterpart; you then lose even more ground as a LGB
individual along with the rest of the Alphabet soup umbrella. However
while the "T" in what is suppose to be a member in the 'inclusive'
equality club, finds out when they come to the room they are told that
this is an "exclusive club" just for cis-gendered individuals, however
we want your money, your support, your backs to step all over so that we
can have our right to married (I have nothing against equal marriage),
or to serve in the military, to help keep equality moving forward as
the Trans* community very hungry and weary search and gleam the fallen
crumbs from the LGB community while they feast upon it pats on the back,
selling one another out, and becoming marginalized into a sea of
cis-genderism as you try to discern out who is straight or LGB until
your head begins to hurt because all that can be deciphered is
PRIVILEGE. When someone is trans* and comes out of the closet and takes
the risk, they fall from privilege and lose the entitlements that was
afforded to them at what is and has become a lost birthright now that we
are societal circus freaks, an ungodly atrocity who don't deserve any
human decency and courtesy to exercise a basic human right to pee in
public and restrooms in the restroom they most closely identify with
gender with out having subject ourselves to taunts and jeers in the
bathroom nor should we have to ourselves to the verbal, mental,
physical, olfactory abuse and and self identity abuse that happens every
time a trans* individual feels rejected, and betrayed, alone, and
starts the dangerous self defeating spiral. Every time a trans*
individual is called "he-she", "it", "tranny," (while I do support the
use of the word tranny in personal audiences), or they are denied
hormones, surgery and self and medical care, called out for not looking
up to the ideal of what societal femininity looks, they find smashed any
confidence that they felt like they were beautiful, or that they
mattered. Every time that hope, light and a drive to live keeps
dwindling until it is snuffed out and every single weight has fallen
crushing the most beautiful gift of all ones soul, the inner light and
sympathy and for many becoming the day the music died.
Now when
you are dealing with the POC community who in this country is treated
already as second class citizens because of their skin color, and
because white male privilege has set some precedents and unwritten or
spoken rules that control how "we the people" are governed by a majority
that nowhere in the near future will see skin color blend so easy as
the straight cis-gender and LGB has assimilated with much help from
marriage equality. So follow same formula and we are referring to POC;
women, LGB, and Trans* who becomes a 5th rated or lower American citizen
where voting rights are constantly be changed, racism is very much
alive and POC Trans* women especially (this doesn't even include mental
health and HIV) hit road bumps every step of the way. TNDC individual
SRO managers belittle and disrespect their trans* tenants going as far
as threatening to not give access to mail if it doesn't their name on
the lease, regardless of simple nicknames. Because they are trans*, it's
hard to find jobs even with EEO because for many how are you going to
work let alone show up for an interview when everyone has told you that
you are worthless, that you're nothing, that you should do us a favor
and die. After a while you believe it, and heaven forbid you LIVE in SRO
in Tenderloin and you decide you want to go back to school but if you
take more than 12 credits in a calendar school year you are told you
will lose your housing. So you are for to choose to either better
yourself with education and be homeless which makes it almost makes it
impossible to study or keep your housing. With housing being a scarce
commodity they find themselves shut down yet again. Most trans*
individuals living in the bay area are on food stamps or SSI and SSDI,
and for those who barely afford pay bills and rent, these women are
unable to buy wigs, clothing, make up, or even small things that a woman
should be able to brighten up their day or pay for hormones and
feminizing procedures including breasts and other self confidence
necessities to care. So many POC trans* women turn to sex work to pay
for a quality of life that the Bay Area once guaranteed to people.
California and the United States have suffered their people to
impoverished and trapped because PRIVILEGE once again bought out the
need to care for those who are in the most need and instead hands away
tax breaks to companies like Twitter who just laid off a huge workforce
when they received tax incentives to bring jobs to the city not create a
even heavier burden with the money we paid you.
Privilege
doesn't allow for much room to wiggle through, and when the unspoken
rules of self righteous White privilege moral ideology Task Force that
has obviously decreed that we must save people from themselves as they
cannot be trusted to care for themselves. Acting as the self appointed
saviors they find that it is necessary to stick their holy noses into
people's sex life, vaginas, and infringe upon the very Bill of rights
while making them think they are protecting everyone because they are
just uneducated immigrants anyways who will be no more the wiser. The
BOS, and all government municipalities across the country who enforces
ideals of a Christian nation which continuously browbeats people into a
fear by the use of an archaic book so grossly misinterpreted and
perhaps the strongest and most dangerous weapon that fosters hate and
discord (right there obviously not God written as the Christian God is
one of harmony not discord) and the bible is a vehicle for more
suicides, homicides, rapes and molestation's than the amount of deaths
guns cause each year.. Using these tools we criminalize the people who
last hopes to just survive and who just want to be validated as a human
being, which many find almost impossible because they can't validate
themselves. So because of criminalizing what individuals can and can't
do with their body the privileged without consent force their morals or
lack of on to people and where these women who were more careful to use
protection prior to being arrested and given a record, now with a
criminal record for simply trying to live, make ends meet and find
their sanctuary in their city, it's now about beating the clock while
hiding from the police. Where they were unable to get services before
because they weren't HIV+, or living with cancer and other serious
illness; now they are given the insurance to help get them by and
survive, provide for hormones and other care all with the cost of having
to live with the harshest reality that now they are not just freaks
anymore, but they have become castaways, the refuge of sex workers
because they now have the scarlet letter that says I am HIV+.
Check your privilege
-Do you know what it is like to be trans* and HIV +?
-What does it means to be trans*?
-Do you know what it is like to be told you can't pee somewhere safely?
-Do you know what it is like to be forced and segregated into neighborhood ghettos and blocks of streets?
-Do you know what it is like to be looked at daily with disgust or fear
by someone of the opposite color because we people see media stereotype
not just a person but a community?
-Do you know what it is like to
be arrested and humiliated, continually degraded, and your most basic
rights in jail violated because trans* are a joke to local law
enforcement? Do you know how it feels to then be thrown in with people
not of a gender you identify as for more abuse?
-Do you know what is like when your friends make fun of you, turn your back on you, make snark remarks in early transition?
-Do you know how and why the Caitlyn and Bruce Jenner's costumes were
hurtful and traumatic for different reasons? Do you think of you close
friends who are trans* when you chose such a costume?
-Do you know
what is like to have to more afraid of the transphobic comments and
attacks in the LGB community then the cis straight community? Or have
you been around someone asserting their PRIVILEGE and feel that simply
because the words "well I don't think" (regardless what you insert) and
unable to realize they use their Privilege to shut you down and
basically said I don't care why, or how you feel, My Privilege allows me
to declare it unnecessary because I don't understand it or that it
isn't important to me? People should choose a gender one or the other
and the only genders are Male and Female so why should we create gender
neutral areas?
-Do you know what it like to have to grasp dealing
with who you are as a person and how you identify and when you
transition you no longer wanted or needed. because you aren't one of the
boys or girls anymore? Or feel shunned even from the trans community
for being to much like the.you are still to much one gender?
-Have
you ever had a date, or someone you hookup with that not only made you
feel small and worthless because body parts don't match the authentic
self?
-Have you ever felt you need to be "under radar" or second guess your gender identity ?
-Have you ever tried applying for a job and while living one gender and
looking like that gender, you have to out yourself because your idea
doesn't match your look. ?
-Have you ever had to worry about not
being fearful when going to a new doctor especially traveling and outing
yourself as Trans*
-Have you ever lived in fear of going through
the security body scans that registers something extra in wrong areas of
body per the gender you go by on your license.
- Have you ever
watched your parents and family struggle to catch the right pronouns and
watch the hurt inside because after all you been dealing with being
trans* and coming out for a while, and then over night they found
themselves losing an important identity (especially the mother), as they
are being yelled yet for screwing up your pronouns or name when they
haven't had the time to adjust.Do you see how your Entitlement doesn't
allow room for anyone else's privilege to exist and you can't see the
need for closure for not only for yourself but your family needs it as
well. While you insist that everyone is against you and no one can tell
you how you feel is wrong while in your mind and verbally tell everyone
that they can F*CK off while you find yourself trying to distance
oneself from its duality and cut away from a identity of hate and
self-loathing of the self? In doing this do you find yourself running
away from every horrible moment you had have endured under the previous
identity and in a fight for survival?
We want everyone to keep
up with the upcoming Tsunami warning in our head, when back in the wake,
parents and family are still trying to understand, collect, process
what just happened to their own existence while trying to keep their
privilege from going at war with their kid; as they remember the birth
and every beautiful and happy moment along with the darkness from their
point of view. They wonder where did they go wrong, were they a good
parent, could they have protected them more, or were they over
protective. Trans* individuals often I have seen and I did it myself,
declare their privilege as the only one person that matters in their
reclamation, and thus denying the chance to talk and also creating a
much harder period of adjustment as time passes more
Two or more
ideals of PRIVILEGE can not hold same space, because each ideal is
encrypted to a set of class individuals with their own agenda and quite
often a shouting match ensues that is inevitably drowned out by the
people simply tuning out what becomes a noise of confusion. When we are
unable to listen and hear any new argue points, when we are unsure or
don't fully understand the problem, in our head we fall back into the
fail safe comfort zone of things that are familiar to them- including a
political stance. Because everyone is claiming privilege and our bearing
are off, we fall into line after we see everyone else is lined up on
what appears to be the right path. Privilege without compromise is a
money powered dictatorship, who like all regimes that use their
privilege to strip others privilege away from it foundation find
themselves after a while sinking. When one finds unbeknownst to anyone,
until its to late, the misuse of any power creates cracks in the
leadership until the time the foundation gives out and caught of guard.
It is then noticed that an uprising is happening way before the fall
right under the seat of power. Here trumpets the dawn of the coming of
the freedom fighters who wave their battle flag of anarchy, signaling
that the time for revolution, and the rise and restoration of the
people's nation with ideals to bring in the reform by building up and
supporting the weakest infrastructure first to lay the ground work in
order to build up. We must allow privilege to move on the waves of
compromise; We need to stop allowing paid for sell outs instigate a
battle that they will lose yet again when it comes to Rights and
Liberties of all people.
So yes the Trans* community has every
reason to be angry, betrayed, hurt and weary of any cis-gender allies
because every where they turn someone is telling them to get over it, or
cisgenders exercising their Privilege to maliciously be cruel, even if
most is simply because they don't realize that their privilege is in
motion because it's become a normal thing to oppress and belittle
another to make oneself feel better. The trans* community is the very
people who cut the red ribbon toward the path to Equal Rights while
fighting and say we have had enough. Quickly became the fight for gay
and lesbian activism and rights and appropriated by Cis privilege to
claim the gay fight, and moved their tunnel vision focused agenda and
rights. While relationships more and more deteriorate between the LGB
and T communities and with more people coming out as their authentic
selves the numbers of and voice of are changing to a more we are tired
of being marginalized and still fighting for basic human rights that LGB
has claimed victory over.
Cis gender whether you like it or not
it dictates Privilege; and when the fight for many has ended and LGB
feel they can relatively settle down into a stereotypical dream of
family, kids, marriage, etc we fins ourselves be whitewashed as a city,
state and nation, because when it boils down to where is the support for
the mission the arts, the vibrant paintbrushes that made this city a
monument for hope, survival, a living memorial for those we have lost to
AIDS and drugs, and while once a living museum it's shutting it's doors
and culture and history is being sold with out a care as people don't
like remember the dark stains and would rather forget then remember what
came out of dark stains.
Cis Privilege is a real thing, it's
hard to remove the emerald glasses because we don't want to see the
deaths we have become immune to. We don't have time to appreciate what
we have and when it's gone we lose a piece of humanity. How many cis
gender people have ever met or talked to a trans* individual. How many
people have actually sat down to try to understand what it was like for a
trans* identified person to grow up. How many judge a trans* identified
individual by there voice and looks and make your judgment before you
allowed yourself a chance to say hi and every time you see them you form
your opinion never learning that the have a heart of gold, and artist,
and plays the classical cello, and served our military. I'm guilty of
myself, I did when I first heard Caitlyn Jenner voice, or judge their
features, and I am a trans* identified woman. This is where the argument
is, cisgender privilege says being an ally to Trans* community is the
same as the LGB community. Being and Ally is about education and inform
other with the facts and with out talking to several different members
you can't even begin to get the battle that rages inside being an ally
isn't show up for the trans* March it's using your privilege to speak to
your board of supervisor. Even the trans march trans* identified
individuals where getting angry, and irritated because how many
cisgender individuals were not only drunk, but they don't get why we
march.
So why do I march, I march because their are rainbows of
diversity and no 2 individuals are the same. Each one of us our own
quirks, annoyances, some the live in fear 364 days a year and this is
the one time the shine, I march to be listen to stories, to appreciate
each journey. I march because my privilege allowed me to become
judgemental and transphobic at times because of resentments I had. I
march because I even as intersex woman when people called my trans, and
Id get so defensive as if trans was a bad thing. I march to honor my
journey. I march to thank Andrew for being the fortress and keeping me
safe. I march because I am tired of my sisters and brothers getting
killed, and politicians forcing their privilege upon me, I march for sex
workers. I march because it is who I AM
Cameron a cis gay male
and took the lead on the project in developing a larger transgender
recognition in the training. We each had to stop and look at this
training and privilege differently. Cameron wanted to learn and
therefore let his Privilege at the door. We had to step outside of the
box, Kailegh a trans* woman and student from Alaska and myself help put
alot of input into this revisement. We even as trans* identified
individuals had to check our own privilege to be as unbiased as possible
to tackle the various issues. Like being intersex, I've been told often
that it's different for me and some don't think the fight is the same;
and I acknowledged that as I haven't had to endure much of the
transphobic attitudes and problems that trans community goes through.
And that right there knowing that I have my own limits, and because I
haven't had the same difficulties it makes me privileged whether i like
or not, and i have to be careful to not assert that privilege and
invalidate the experiences of others, because my journey was my own to
overcome. We began redevelopment of the Safe Zone training that had been
being used on campus in 2008 before I drove my car into the reservoir
2009. this resource guide and the University of Utah LGBT resource
center is perhaps one of the most significant pieces to my life. It gave
me the foundation to live. This was almost 8 years ago
https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=0B19KdKA-mqweYUpxNmJ5TW9iYlU#
Saturday started of at 717a with these beautiful flags flying for the first time and taking me to and connecting to a place that that wasn't anywhere I have experienced in either temporal or spiritual realms. Xavier Caylor, I get it now, I thought people had to be tweaked out, jacked up on caffeine, or have gone through a high endurance training; well that may be true for some and one of those categories this is truly a spiritual experience that when one is connected with a purpose the reason why they flag there's something that just allows one to transcend and come one with the flags as one disconnects oneself in order to connect to ones third eye, a higher consciousness, or to the divine of their understanding. I found being connected as the lone flagger I was given the stamina to just continue and time ceased to exist. I noticed at flagging in the park when I flagged after taking a break from photos there was an undeniable connection of some sort among the collective of flaggers and can only be assume that even though they flag for their personal reasons, they are interconnected as one tribe while the music, the camaraderie, the atmospheres, the love for the art, and the bond of spinning, allows one to feel safe to just let go be vunerable and embrace the sacred intimate and they commune on one anothers energy taking from and replenishing one anothers supply.
It wasn't until 3 years later I flew again, using Mike Pierce flags at
July's Flagging in the Park after just making a set of my own a few days
prior at Xavier's.
I
was suppose to lead a Labyrinth Walk, its why I jumped out of bed fresh
eyed and like it was no big deal to get up that early, but no one was
up for it or they thought the warmth of the cabins, lodges, smoking
tent, and chair yoga was more appealing. I was going to flag while
others walked; but the universe had other plans for my to honor my
sacred intimate instead, therefore clothed initially in pants, jacket,
and cloak I welcomed the morning by flagging in front of the main lodge,
in cold hand numbing brisk air, and before my first coffee. And soon my
cloak was caste aside to allow for a more freer movement of the flags, and I
gave my heart completely to those flags and was able to cleared my
head, and just interconnect holding sacred s poo ace for myself and
every person at retreat HIV positive and negative and the journeys they
had to go through, the people they loss as their friends passed away
left and right, and honor us as survivors and gave myself to the Divine
in praise, gratitude and healing. I thought I flagged for 20 minutes and it
was actually a hour that had gone by, 822a is when I felt that I was
done, it took awhile to come down and I cant describe how i felt or
where i was but I've never had a spiritual experience like this one even
though I have had many. I could not get enough flagging throughout the
day. It was as if the need coursed through my veins in the sacred space
and retreat center (I blame the faeries for their blessing of it ) the
place sung to me.
Someone asked if I was going to do talent show, which I wasnt planning on doing as I did not have a talent, and they said they would love to see me do the flags, I was like Im just a beginner, but I agreed. What stemmed from a comment from another individual saying they would have never known that I was trans* identified until I outted myself, as I am so beautiful, left me having mixed feelings upon hearing that. I struggle to find a way to reconcile these feelings as I have become so open about my journey as of late, and yes i find myself beautiful, and grateful I "pass under radar with out being clocked" and what I have always wanted but it has become more complicated now. I have a choice to live under radar but I don't have a right I quickly realized at that moment. For almost 6 years I have been the beneficiary of services, groups, assistance, and tax payer funded GRS and Breast augmentation that I did not have to pay for. I have my life because of people who reaches out and helped me get through tough times. I can sit back and say I got what I needed and I am done, but if If did not share my journey several dozen people that have read my blog, or seen my youtube channel, and then messaged me privately saying that something I have posted from either media, my keynote in Fresno, or any number of things that have helped them in their journey for themselves or to help them get what friends or family members maybe would never have gotten the support they needed at that moment or the answers they needed that I break down in a way that is not only easy understood but is being authenticate and transparent, and that telling them the hard truths. A transparency that people normally don't see that is refreshing but by someone who is willing to talk about it so that people are informed about everything for them to make an informed decision.
So as I was thinking about the show, I already had Gloria Gaynor's "I am
What I am" followed by Israels "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" chosen,
(because of a previous Equality Now movie I made in 2009 using those
songs and just recently put it into my YouTube page from Andrew's YouTube) I decided after talking to a few people (both male and female)
gathering their opinion I decided to do something brand new and truly
honor my Experience, and step out of my comfort zone and deliver a 5
minute number unrehearsed and not only spin flags im a beginner but made
it a burlesque number honoring my journey.
I decided that I would go cloaked with the words Tranny and Trans written in lipstick on my breasts, HIV + underneath and capital ME across stomach. Im so use to leather bar scene and requiring taped nipples that i automatically put bandaids across my nipples (well the are all technically FB approved from start). Clothed in my cloak while Gloria Gaynors song played, I acted like I was trying to decide will I or not go through with a decision. ( for theatrics) and when her "I am what I am" resounded in the chorus the hood came of the, cloak fell and i tossed it to the side, I then danced to both numbers with passion and conviction. Gloria's being up beat and empowering, and Isreals being thoughtful, intimate, and distinguished. I danced with my heart and soul being grateful and humbled, and thanked the universe and the Divine for my journey in my wholeness.
