San Francisco my Heart belongs?

"..... I left my heart in San Francisco
High on a hill, it calls to me
To be where little cable cars climb halfway to the stars
The morning fog may chill the air, I don't care

My love waits there in San Francisco
Above the blue and windy sea
When I come home to you, San Francisco
Your golden sun will shine for me."

In 2010 I moved to San Francisco, homeless, broke, HIV+, and holding on to a shred of hope, desire to try to live and survive against the unknown. San Francisco became a sanctuary in order to receive life saving services and turns out to be . I started meth in Utah in January 2010 escaped on a road trip unbeknownst  whether live or die. Feb 2010 Desert AIDS Project in Palm Springs told me I should come to San Francisco when I recieved an HIV+ test result.

San Francisco taught me the hard lesson of survival and perseverance as I worked through overcoming society to become comfortable in my own skin. From March 2010 to June 2011 as my health declined and was homelessish until I got self out of transitional housing into  For the first 2 years I remained sober, went out for a couple of months, in 5 years I relapsed 3 times. 2012 after battling Neuropathy, chronic fatigue and pain, mobility problems, onslaught of mental health and my sugar becoming deathly out of control  I had enough. After my 3 months of filming various movies and commercials and attending the International AIDS Conference I decided to take a step back from my community involvement with various HIV organizations and councils I sat on and work on myself and build something in my life that I have never had in my life community. In the process of working through trauma, mental health, physical health and getting me to stable place today I dove into the Leather and Kink community hoping that this outcast would find a home. At one time I was volunteering with almost every group searching for a family and group. I have felt and treated not by individuals but by groups unwanted, pushed aside, humored, and outcasted from the various groups i so much wanted to be part of SFGOL, Defenders, Folsom Street Events and others. I find San Francisco is very unforgiving when someone battles addiction, and who are trying to find themselves especially when intersex or trans.  One thing I have always believed in is being transparent and i am passionate, but people don't want transparency because it makes them uncomfortable. Before I fell back in to addiction in  2013 I thought it would be wonderful to bridge the sober and leather community and help create a place for people outside of bars. For 2 years I asked for help, the Co owner went out in their addiction and organization that was started and ended up saving my life I worked hard and my butt off and doing it alone.

I learned to love San Francisco when I started to train for AIDs Lifecycle and like i have said often against Dr orders and overcome life's obstacles 2.5 later. I have an amazing life because of San Franciso, 2014 I moved out of the tenderloin to oakland and continued to work hard. 2015 was a year of surgeries both vaginalplasty and breasts. Peru and Europe opened its doors before and during me being victim of gentrification in Oakland.

I am getting ready to travel and I thought about resigning since I am traveling, from SF BASiL if i decided after a year if I was going to stay in Europe or not, I have producers for while I am gone to produce the the following year contest  I get a call from one of the Producers the people I thought would be great for appointees (both I thought to be part of my wisdom circle and one who just told me a couple weeks ago they can't because they don't have the time) talked to the producer for next year keep in mind I am the producer still that they would accept it only if I resigned. The producer called me and originally wouldn't give the names. The one thing that kept my heart in San Francisco I am forced to make a choice to be pushed out from people I looked up to so that they will take a title on condition or do I say no.

I started SF Bay Area Sober in Leather - SF BASIL and SF Sober Leather Contest to build community to give outcasts a home. After 2 years of politics going in 3rd title after hardly anyone thought it was a good idea in the beginning, I am tired of fighting, pleading for help, asking for mentorship, if nothing else I learned over these 5 years of becoming a butterfly that I should not limit myself by investing in energy where I am not wanted. I've learned to let go, it is time to move on and I have a life ahead of me that is so much more.

I am resigning as of November 21 any role with SF Sober Leather and giving it a chance to grow, because this was started and has become that has always been something bigger than me. No hard feelings or I'll energy, as I bow out with grace and won't be a hindrance to it growing and being the vehicle that I am unable to let in be. This is not bitter grapes it's just understanding and practicing surrender, processing my thoughts, and being grateful for where my life is.

There have been many people who are part of my life and wholeness, as a military brat I have never in my life lived in one place more than 6 years, I have emerged from my cocoon and it's time to take flight, San Francisco is part of my wholeness bit alas not the resting place for my heart, can't afford it, and by letting go of the contest all ties are gone.

l have some great one on ones with people in the Leather community. I am grateful for Ms Margaret and Ian Turner, examples that have been fundamental on my journey. Some beautiful moments with groups/clubs but im tired of being left out in the cold unwanted and knocking on the doors unanswered or peering through the windows and being jealous of the warmth. I have learned to surround myself with people who want me around. I have foundation in my life because of the SF Leather/Kink Community and them giving my the most valuable gifts as I learned and watch others. I am the woman I am today because of this community, SF BASIL and none of that will ever change. San Francisco will always be part of my Legacy, but with Legacies they are meant to built upon and forever embracing life as the gift it is.

I stand on the border looking put into the great unknown and the journey is just beginning.

Thank you