Sunday, April 05, 2009 12:30 AM
I am who I am and who I am needs no excuses" I am different from every other person out there. I love being different. All my experiences that i have gone through in my life both good and bad have made me who I am today. I am constantly changing and figuring out who I am. It is amazing how people change. I know for me I am not the same person as I was a few months ago.
I finally am getting a sense of positive direction in my life.
Its been awhile since I updated my blog. Life could not be any better. My life and health have done a complete 180 and I am living high on the great things of life. Im training for a 5k on Apr 11. And a half marathon in July at Bryce Canyon. My older brother is getting married May 2nd and I am flying out to officiate it. I have been having fun dating and 6 weeks ago I recieved my Doctorate of Philosophy in Divinity, So I am officially a doctor, a doctor with out the pay, but a doctor anyway.
Thank God this semester is almost over, however this looking to be the best semester yet. I am taking two classes this summer.
I am so blessed in my life and I am grateful for the many opportunities the Lord Jesus Christ, our brother, gives me to serve him. I am very greatful for our temples and our priesthood leaders and their guidance and extremely greatful for our living prophet President Thomas S Monson who was called by God in this dispensation to guide his people in these latter days. This weekend is General Conference and my 5 year anniversary that Ann Weidman, my cousin, made me promise her to read the Book of Mormon with her puppy dog eyes and for that I am forever indebted.
I am blessed to have such a great family and to have have two great heros and friends in my life, my Mom and my Uncle. I have four sister and two brothers and two gorgeous nieces from Jenna with a niece or nephew on the way.
Life is great. "Carpe Diem"
My personal philosophy: C'est le vie, What life throws at you a that you can't change, make the best of it will fixing the things you can change.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Scripture D&C 59:23 see footnote
We are called to represent Jesus Christ in helping people become clean form their sins, for our testimonies need to shine forth and be lights onto the children of men that they may see the glory and splendor of Christ's promises through our lives.
When we stay true to our baptism covenants we put off the "natural man" and become a Saint 'through the atonement of Christ the Lord"
Scripture Mosiah 3:19 see footnote
.......Today I awoke and readied myself for my 8am math class, my test #2 for Math 1010. As I left the house it started to rain and snow. No news yet on the National Guard. Had a busy day with class, work, and two institute classes. This is the year of REDEMPTION, this year is about satisfying personal debts, coming to term with a better me,....... What a glorious day it was.
Daily reading: 1 Nephi 10:1-12
We are called to represent Jesus Christ in helping people become clean form their sins, for our testimonies need to shine forth and be lights onto the children of men that they may see the glory and splendor of Christ's promises through our lives.
When we stay true to our baptism covenants we put off the "natural man" and become a Saint 'through the atonement of Christ the Lord"
Scripture Mosiah 3:19 see footnote
.......Today I awoke and readied myself for my 8am math class, my test #2 for Math 1010. As I left the house it started to rain and snow. No news yet on the National Guard. Had a busy day with class, work, and two institute classes. This is the year of REDEMPTION, this year is about satisfying personal debts, coming to term with a better me,....... What a glorious day it was.
Daily reading: 1 Nephi 10:1-12
Sunday, February 8, 2009
8 Feb 2009
Its funny the coming out process is never over and really isn't necessarily for identifying with the LGBTQ community. It's your own journey for self-realization and finding your true self, your uniqueness and your destiny. As for the previous entry (In here labeled Feb. 1st) I am not gay, nor am I straight or bi, I AM QUEER. I AM ME. I don't conform to norms of society but travel a path of individualism.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Theater or Theatre
REAL NAME: Andrew James Swallow
STAGE NAME: I use my professional name of Andrew
LAST SHOW YOU ADDED TO YOUR RESUME: Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe
LAST SHOW YOU AUDITIONED FOR:Nauvoo Pagaent
DID YOU GET INTO IT: Yes and no. I did not get the core Cast but I did get into the family cast
LAST SONG YOU USED AT AN AUDITION: Silent Night
FAVORITE THEATRE (VENUE) THAT YOU HAVE PERFORMED IN: Don't Have a favorite Currently
FAVORITE MUSICAL: Favorite Musical that I have seen was seen was RENT and Wicked cant choose. However Bebe Neuwirth was awesome in Chicago.
NAME A THEATRE SUPERSTITION: Saying "Good Luck" DONT EVER TELL ME THAT
LAST PART YOU PLAYED IN A SHOW: Minotaur in Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe- which i stage managed
YOUR GOAL IN SHOW BUSINESS: To Have fun and use my experiences to help others achieve theri dreams and to use my knowledge when i go into Drama therapy
FAVORITE DIRECTOR: Carol Channing
WHAT WAS YOUR VERY FIRST SHOW: The Bad Seed, Freshman year of Highschool
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DANCE SOLO:Thank God No
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SINGING SOLO: Again,Thank God No.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THE LAST PERSON TO TAKE A BOW: No.
NAME A SHOW YOU'VE DONE MORE THAN TWO TIMES: None
HAVE YOU BEEN TO LA: Yes
SCARIEST PART OF AN AUDITION: Showing Up and auditioning with others who are more talented
BEST PART OF AN AUDITION: The Feedback. Being told what i can improve on
NAME A SHOW YOU WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN: can't say would never do again, there are many i would do over in another company
NAME A SHOW YOU COULD DO FOR YEARS: Dunno
NAME A SHOW YOU WOULD LOVE TO DO BUT HAVE NEVER BEEN IN: Wicked or Romeo an Juliet
NAME A PERSON YOU'D LIKE TO WORK WITH AGAIN: All the Genesis Players from Hobart High School
WHAT ARE YOU AUDITIONING FOR NEXT: Dunno yet, been focusing on auditions for films
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN PERFORMING: 1997 (ask my mom she would say all my life)
DO YOU CARRY YOUR HEADSHOTS AROUND WITH YOU: need to print them
DO YOU KEEP IN TOUCH WITH PAST CAST MEMBERS: Some
ON A SCALE OF 1-10 HOW IMPORTANT IS GETTING PAID: 1- right now im just building resume
WHAT IS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE PERFORMANCE: The Bad Seed - High School Performance, first play i was in
WHAT'S SOMETHING EMBARRASSING OR UNEXPECTED THAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHILE ON STAGE. Pants falling down
WHO IS THE MOST DIFFICULT PERSON (ON STAGE OR OFF) THAT YOU HAVE EVER WORKED WITH: I plead the 5th
EVER BEEN NAKED ON STAGE?: Does pants falling down count with no underwear on. however would love to do naked boys singing even though i cant dance or sing, or Equus
IF YOU COULD BE A RICH FAMOUS PORN STAR OR A STRUGGLING THEATRE ACTOR WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE? Struggling theatre Actor, I will not sell my soul again
BEST PROFESSIONAL SHOW(S) YOU'VE SEEN: Wicked and RENT
BEST AMATEUR/COMMUNITY SHOW(S) YOU'VE SEEN: JUVIE"
ONSTAGE, HAVE YOU EVER...
a) Been killed? Yes
b) Been drunk / stoned? No
c) Played someone half your age? Yes
d) Played someone twice your age? Yes
e) Cried? Yes
f) Fired a gun? Yes
g) Driven a car? No
h) Been drenched? Yes.
i) Been in a dream sequence? No
j) Been kissed? Yes
STAGE NAME: I use my professional name of Andrew
LAST SHOW YOU ADDED TO YOUR RESUME: Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe
LAST SHOW YOU AUDITIONED FOR:Nauvoo Pagaent
DID YOU GET INTO IT: Yes and no. I did not get the core Cast but I did get into the family cast
LAST SONG YOU USED AT AN AUDITION: Silent Night
FAVORITE THEATRE (VENUE) THAT YOU HAVE PERFORMED IN: Don't Have a favorite Currently
FAVORITE MUSICAL: Favorite Musical that I have seen was seen was RENT and Wicked cant choose. However Bebe Neuwirth was awesome in Chicago.
NAME A THEATRE SUPERSTITION: Saying "Good Luck" DONT EVER TELL ME THAT
LAST PART YOU PLAYED IN A SHOW: Minotaur in Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe- which i stage managed
YOUR GOAL IN SHOW BUSINESS: To Have fun and use my experiences to help others achieve theri dreams and to use my knowledge when i go into Drama therapy
FAVORITE DIRECTOR: Carol Channing
WHAT WAS YOUR VERY FIRST SHOW: The Bad Seed, Freshman year of Highschool
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DANCE SOLO:Thank God No
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SINGING SOLO: Again,Thank God No.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THE LAST PERSON TO TAKE A BOW: No.
NAME A SHOW YOU'VE DONE MORE THAN TWO TIMES: None
HAVE YOU BEEN TO LA: Yes
SCARIEST PART OF AN AUDITION: Showing Up and auditioning with others who are more talented
BEST PART OF AN AUDITION: The Feedback. Being told what i can improve on
NAME A SHOW YOU WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN: can't say would never do again, there are many i would do over in another company
NAME A SHOW YOU COULD DO FOR YEARS: Dunno
NAME A SHOW YOU WOULD LOVE TO DO BUT HAVE NEVER BEEN IN: Wicked or Romeo an Juliet
NAME A PERSON YOU'D LIKE TO WORK WITH AGAIN: All the Genesis Players from Hobart High School
WHAT ARE YOU AUDITIONING FOR NEXT: Dunno yet, been focusing on auditions for films
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN PERFORMING: 1997 (ask my mom she would say all my life)
DO YOU CARRY YOUR HEADSHOTS AROUND WITH YOU: need to print them
DO YOU KEEP IN TOUCH WITH PAST CAST MEMBERS: Some
ON A SCALE OF 1-10 HOW IMPORTANT IS GETTING PAID: 1- right now im just building resume
WHAT IS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE PERFORMANCE: The Bad Seed - High School Performance, first play i was in
WHAT'S SOMETHING EMBARRASSING OR UNEXPECTED THAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHILE ON STAGE. Pants falling down
WHO IS THE MOST DIFFICULT PERSON (ON STAGE OR OFF) THAT YOU HAVE EVER WORKED WITH: I plead the 5th
EVER BEEN NAKED ON STAGE?: Does pants falling down count with no underwear on. however would love to do naked boys singing even though i cant dance or sing, or Equus
IF YOU COULD BE A RICH FAMOUS PORN STAR OR A STRUGGLING THEATRE ACTOR WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE? Struggling theatre Actor, I will not sell my soul again
BEST PROFESSIONAL SHOW(S) YOU'VE SEEN: Wicked and RENT
BEST AMATEUR/COMMUNITY SHOW(S) YOU'VE SEEN: JUVIE"
ONSTAGE, HAVE YOU EVER...
a) Been killed? Yes
b) Been drunk / stoned? No
c) Played someone half your age? Yes
d) Played someone twice your age? Yes
e) Cried? Yes
f) Fired a gun? Yes
g) Driven a car? No
h) Been drenched? Yes.
i) Been in a dream sequence? No
j) Been kissed? Yes
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Grandparents 50th Wedding anniversary (from blog)
Thursday, February 05, 2009 12:14 PM
Family bonds and ties are key the key to life. When you have a collective of individuals both of blood and those of mutual aspirations and love for one another we sew the fabric of life creating a wonderful masterpiece arrayed with every individual’s own personal imprint upon it. Whether you see your family on a daily basis, multiple times a year. Ever 2-3 years, or even 25 years there is that bond and connection that creates a sense of warmth and the all American family tradition.
This weekend we all traveled to Virginia Beach, Virginia for the grandparents 50th Wedding Anniversary, with every one traveling from Utah, Arizona, Illinois, and Northern Virginia we came in as a surprise to the unexpecting grandparents who through the genius mastermind of their daughter planned and instrumented this covert operation of bring the whole family together. Unfortunately Holly was not able to make but we will photo shop her in later. This is the first time the Tori, Chris, Kristen, and their parents have been all together in 25 years
There is always some adjustment when you haven’t seen someone in awhile and having to get to know people again during the reunification process only to leave again a couple of days later. Even the quirky humor of an aunt can take sometime getting use to (love you Kristen). The experience was great and everyone had an all around good time. We took many pictures and videos, reminisced on the past, had a wonderful anniversary dinner and enjoyed heartfelt conversation.
I will actually be returning in August to Virginia to perform the wedding of my brother and soon to be sister in law who will also have PJ’s first child by then Paul Aiden Vroegindewey. Family is something that should always be cherished and treated like your most important treasure.
In Attendance
Barbara Jean and James Norman Weidman
Tori & Paul Vroegindewey
> Andrew
> Jenna & fiancé David
>> Krystal Rose
>> Aurora Dawn
> PJ & fiancé Kim
> Kristy & bf Erik
Chris & Terri Weidman
> Ann
> Nathan
> CJ
Kristen & Dennis Weston
> Nicole & bf Ben
> Dawn
Mary (Grandma’s Sister) and James Husa
Family bonds and ties are key the key to life. When you have a collective of individuals both of blood and those of mutual aspirations and love for one another we sew the fabric of life creating a wonderful masterpiece arrayed with every individual’s own personal imprint upon it. Whether you see your family on a daily basis, multiple times a year. Ever 2-3 years, or even 25 years there is that bond and connection that creates a sense of warmth and the all American family tradition.
This weekend we all traveled to Virginia Beach, Virginia for the grandparents 50th Wedding Anniversary, with every one traveling from Utah, Arizona, Illinois, and Northern Virginia we came in as a surprise to the unexpecting grandparents who through the genius mastermind of their daughter planned and instrumented this covert operation of bring the whole family together. Unfortunately Holly was not able to make but we will photo shop her in later. This is the first time the Tori, Chris, Kristen, and their parents have been all together in 25 years
There is always some adjustment when you haven’t seen someone in awhile and having to get to know people again during the reunification process only to leave again a couple of days later. Even the quirky humor of an aunt can take sometime getting use to (love you Kristen). The experience was great and everyone had an all around good time. We took many pictures and videos, reminisced on the past, had a wonderful anniversary dinner and enjoyed heartfelt conversation.
I will actually be returning in August to Virginia to perform the wedding of my brother and soon to be sister in law who will also have PJ’s first child by then Paul Aiden Vroegindewey. Family is something that should always be cherished and treated like your most important treasure.
In Attendance
Barbara Jean and James Norman Weidman
Tori & Paul Vroegindewey
> Andrew
> Jenna & fiancé David
>> Krystal Rose
>> Aurora Dawn
> PJ & fiancé Kim
> Kristy & bf Erik
Chris & Terri Weidman
> Ann
> Nathan
> CJ
Kristen & Dennis Weston
> Nicole & bf Ben
> Dawn
Mary (Grandma’s Sister) and James Husa
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Jan 28, 2009
been busy with school and Sundance which ended earlier this week. People as about age when it comes to friendship and other things especially when they think a younger guy will have nothing to do with older whether male or female, age is but a number that everyone reaches unless there dead and in no way defines a persons personality of philosophy. Usually allows for intelligent conversation and mutual understandings. Looking for friends at this point in my life nothing more. This year is about being relationship free and being myself. Hookups are meaningless and therefor sex is meant for a relationship. My time is spent mostly on school this semester or should be and time is limited and if your ok with that and have that understanding. Friends are always great especially when you take life as it comes. If that's cool with you lets talk.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Stop and Think- Stop Child Abuse (myspace blog)
Concrete Angel
She walks to school with a lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she’s holding back;
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday,
She hides the bruises with the linen and lace
Oh
The teacher wonders but she doesn’t ask,
It’s hard to see the pain behind the mask;
Bearing the burdon of a secret storm,
Sometimes she wishes she was never born;
Through the wind and the rain,
She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can’t rise
above;
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where
she’s loved.
Concrete Angel
Somebody cries in the middle of the night,
The neighbors hear but they turn out the lights;
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate,
When morning comes it will be too late.
Through the wind and the rain,
She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can’t rise
above;
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where
she’s loved.
Concrete Angel
A statue stands in a shaded place,
An angel girl with an upturned face;
Her name is written on a polished rock,
A broken heart that the world forgot.
Through the wind and the rain,
She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can’t rise
above;
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where
she’s loved.
Concrete Angel
She walks to school with a lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she’s holding back;
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday,
She hides the bruises with the linen and lace
Oh
The teacher wonders but she doesn’t ask,
It’s hard to see the pain behind the mask;
Bearing the burdon of a secret storm,
Sometimes she wishes she was never born;
Through the wind and the rain,
She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can’t rise
above;
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where
she’s loved.
Concrete Angel
Somebody cries in the middle of the night,
The neighbors hear but they turn out the lights;
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate,
When morning comes it will be too late.
Through the wind and the rain,
She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can’t rise
above;
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where
she’s loved.
Concrete Angel
A statue stands in a shaded place,
An angel girl with an upturned face;
Her name is written on a polished rock,
A broken heart that the world forgot.
Through the wind and the rain,
She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can’t rise
above;
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where
she’s loved.
Concrete Angel
Pretty much everyone has heard this song by Martina Mcbride before, it more than likely made you cry. But how many of you have turned your backs, or a death ear when you know of child abuse going on. Oh you don’t want to say anything because you may be friend with the person, or you feel a child should not be taken away from their parents, or maybe it doesn’t happen that often or the child deserved the beating, or many other countless scenerios.. Child abuse is spreading rapidly through the United States and throughout the world because people are remaining silent, because people do not want to get involved. How many will even repost this?
If we don’t stand up for our children, then what type of future are we giving our children. Get involved and a be a advocate let your voices be heard saying we are going to do whatever it takes to protect our children.
1)Make a confidential call to Child Protective Services. Even if you feel nothing is being done at least you made the effort. And keep reporting.
2)Educate your children to report and notice the signs of abuse of their friends
3)Support Local Agency who fight against child abuse ie. B.A.C.A, CAPA, PCA, child advocates, and many others that can be found in your state and city.
4) Dont Just say you are against child abuse, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS
Please support your local BACA chapter www.bacausa.com. BACA is found in 30 states and Australia with chapters soon to com in Canada and hopefully world wide. These great men and women strive daily providing a better future for our child.
Please repost and with any bullentin that has links or pictures hit reply and copy the message that you may then repost in a bulletin.
There is a link to B.A.C.A’s website on my page.
Thank You
Andrew Swallow
Child Advocate
www.myspace.com/krazegoon
www.childabuseprevention.org
www.Pca-Ca.org
www.preventchildabuseny.org
Saturday, January 24, 2009
LIFE
Sundance is finally over on Sunday and things finally can slowed down and get back to normal. I get to play catch up with homework. Last 2 weeks has been nothing but Sundance full time, School full time, and working, all on very little sleep I'm completely exhausted. but I'm my own self to blame
Joseph Smith the Restoration Movie
Today I was on set for the Joseph Smith the Restoration remake. 12 hours on Set. I had the privilege of playing a general authority at the Nauvoo General Conference right after the Martyrdom of Joseph Smith. To put yourself in these mens shoes, was a lot of responsibility for here they had to lead the Church as no prophet was being called to fill Brother Smiths vacant calling. Also having to support Brother Brigham fully as he was to lead the Saints west and assure them that Brother Brigham was indeed the one to lead them and that Joseph Smith death was not in vain and that we truly do belong to the restored church.
Sundance is finally over on Sunday and things finally can slowed down and get back to normal. I get to play catch up with homework. Last 2 weeks has been nothing but Sundance full time, School full time, and working, all on very little sleep I'm completely exhausted. but I'm my own self to blame
Joseph Smith the Restoration Movie
Today I was on set for the Joseph Smith the Restoration remake. 12 hours on Set. I had the privilege of playing a general authority at the Nauvoo General Conference right after the Martyrdom of Joseph Smith. To put yourself in these mens shoes, was a lot of responsibility for here they had to lead the Church as no prophet was being called to fill Brother Smiths vacant calling. Also having to support Brother Brigham fully as he was to lead the Saints west and assure them that Brother Brigham was indeed the one to lead them and that Joseph Smith death was not in vain and that we truly do belong to the restored church.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Blogs resurfacing from the past to hold a torch that brightens the future
Thursday, January 01, 2009 5:02 AM
I have brought back some blogs form the last few years to start this blog off. To be a testimony that we all go through our valleys of troubles but we can overcome them. I feel like these entries quite often as if it were the same black and white movie playing over and over. The thing is as you read this blog it comes apparent things are not as black and white, but full of array of colors that creates a beautiful masterpiece that we call life. We may not always agree with the current times but the light is always there if you look past the gloom. I like these blogs that I'm illustrating because it shows my metaphoric style of writing and live on in the very soul of my physical being. But as the gloom and self torment appears in the beginning the light shines at the end of this blog.
Life holds no prejudice, no remorse. Every person is equal game as pawns in this maze of confusion we call life. Who do you trust, who do you befriend- will those you choose be loyal or will the hang you by the gallows. Every person out to make themselves look good hiding behind the masks of deceit not worrying about who they step on or the lives they destroy. They release a Pandoras Box of rumors that spread and destroy the essence of ones life like a plague of locusts. Is it worth continuing or do you just wave the white flag of surrender. Do you retaliate with live fire into neutral territory beginning mass destruction on all who comes in contact or do you play the passive role and put on the facade that nothing is the matter. How do you rebuild the ruins of the soul and the sphere of reality once the tempest blows over? How do you face those who are infected with the poison, wondering who has been infected and who hasn't and what are people thinking and not thinking? Can one truly overcome this or are they forever damned due to the selfishness and the venom of hatred of an individual. Even faith is tried and just ready to give up on everything. Was it a mistake to move out here to Utah, where it seems everything worked for has been in vain and has just disappeared faster than it was to build it?
Demons thirst greedily on the soul that they may suck all happiness out of life, plunging one into complete darkness of confusion and depression. Does ones past ever laid to rest or will it forever haunt you as a dark encompassing shadow, menace? Aren't the desires of your heart and your faith good enough to surpass all things, then why is it impossible to escape the poison of the past. If ones desires of the heart and soul line up with ones faith and the teachings of the Bible then that should be enough. How many times do you have to deal with the past, put it behind you, before you are released from bondage of the shackles and chains that keep you from moving on in life? I know the teachings of the Bible and the Book of Mormon are true and my heart desires line up with them. Yet the feelings and the poison of the past plagues my life. Every time I deal with it people disappear as ghost from my life and every time I run it catches up and defiles and destroys everything close and dear as if it were seeping acid that burns at the slightest touch.
Can the box ever truly be closed, and if it so what steps must be taken to close it. Or is darkness predestined to rule in ones life? Sometimes drowning the memories seems the only way taking the pain and confusion. However I must keep focused with my sights set on the Lord. A favorite song of mine from Delirious Trading My Sorrows says:
Even then sometimes these words seem hollow. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
I am walking through Babylon whoring at the world, no place to turn no place to run but to feast off the mere existence we call life. My problems rape me over and over like a sinister being that uses and abuses unsuspecting prey. Confusion and drama suck the very marrow out of you like vampires thirsting and lusting. Do i know what i want and what i desire, or do i continue to allow myself to be tortured
in the torture room of my mind. I would fly on heavens wings to greater glory but to have my wings rip to shred just as take off. I grip for the iron rod and try to hold fast but my grip slips away as if it was an illusion of trickery which wasn't there at all. I am in love with idols and worship them daily, for I have trouble leaving behind their worldly promises. My body is a poison spreading to all who i have in contact whether good or bad. Silent ears tend to fall, where I am left alone on this dark path with out a lantern, when glory appears you reach for and try to achieve but are yanked down back into the monstrous pits of hell. Babylon holds no promises of happiness but does promise destruction. It is up to us find our own joy and fondness. Nothing but hurt and drama which I'm tired of. I refuse to give my heart to anyone to have it stepped on and shattered. I refuse to allow myself any longer to be chained and shackled and confined to the prison of standards of others but to be free and live by my standards.
Relationships come and go just as the tide flows with the time of day. Heartache comes and we can dwell on the minuscule details of the picture or paint with the vibrant colors of life and look to each day as a new adventure. To accept ones self to live the life of the being that you were created to be, creates a self identity that belongs to you and one that should be cherished. For being individuals is what creates the enigmatic self being one that guides us on our path. We need to always reach for the stars and to be helping hands to those in need.
We can allow ourselves to be thrown into a depression of self pity and victimization or we can move on and embrace our journey with admiration and love and take the best that life can give us. We all have our downtrodden days but it is up to us to release oursleves from the shackles and bondage.
I have brought back some blogs form the last few years to start this blog off. To be a testimony that we all go through our valleys of troubles but we can overcome them. I feel like these entries quite often as if it were the same black and white movie playing over and over. The thing is as you read this blog it comes apparent things are not as black and white, but full of array of colors that creates a beautiful masterpiece that we call life. We may not always agree with the current times but the light is always there if you look past the gloom. I like these blogs that I'm illustrating because it shows my metaphoric style of writing and live on in the very soul of my physical being. But as the gloom and self torment appears in the beginning the light shines at the end of this blog.
Life holds no prejudice, no remorse. Every person is equal game as pawns in this maze of confusion we call life. Who do you trust, who do you befriend- will those you choose be loyal or will the hang you by the gallows. Every person out to make themselves look good hiding behind the masks of deceit not worrying about who they step on or the lives they destroy. They release a Pandoras Box of rumors that spread and destroy the essence of ones life like a plague of locusts. Is it worth continuing or do you just wave the white flag of surrender. Do you retaliate with live fire into neutral territory beginning mass destruction on all who comes in contact or do you play the passive role and put on the facade that nothing is the matter. How do you rebuild the ruins of the soul and the sphere of reality once the tempest blows over? How do you face those who are infected with the poison, wondering who has been infected and who hasn't and what are people thinking and not thinking? Can one truly overcome this or are they forever damned due to the selfishness and the venom of hatred of an individual. Even faith is tried and just ready to give up on everything. Was it a mistake to move out here to Utah, where it seems everything worked for has been in vain and has just disappeared faster than it was to build it?
Demons thirst greedily on the soul that they may suck all happiness out of life, plunging one into complete darkness of confusion and depression. Does ones past ever laid to rest or will it forever haunt you as a dark encompassing shadow, menace? Aren't the desires of your heart and your faith good enough to surpass all things, then why is it impossible to escape the poison of the past. If ones desires of the heart and soul line up with ones faith and the teachings of the Bible then that should be enough. How many times do you have to deal with the past, put it behind you, before you are released from bondage of the shackles and chains that keep you from moving on in life? I know the teachings of the Bible and the Book of Mormon are true and my heart desires line up with them. Yet the feelings and the poison of the past plagues my life. Every time I deal with it people disappear as ghost from my life and every time I run it catches up and defiles and destroys everything close and dear as if it were seeping acid that burns at the slightest touch.
Can the box ever truly be closed, and if it so what steps must be taken to close it. Or is darkness predestined to rule in ones life? Sometimes drowning the memories seems the only way taking the pain and confusion. However I must keep focused with my sights set on the Lord. A favorite song of mine from Delirious Trading My Sorrows says:
I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame, I'm laying them done for the joy of the Lord. I'm trading my sickness, I'm trading my pain for the joy of the Lord..... I'm pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned. Struck down but not destroyed. I am blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure and His joy is going to be mine strength. Though the sorrow may last through the night joy comes with themorning.
Even then sometimes these words seem hollow. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
I am walking through Babylon whoring at the world, no place to turn no place to run but to feast off the mere existence we call life. My problems rape me over and over like a sinister being that uses and abuses unsuspecting prey. Confusion and drama suck the very marrow out of you like vampires thirsting and lusting. Do i know what i want and what i desire, or do i continue to allow myself to be tortured
in the torture room of my mind. I would fly on heavens wings to greater glory but to have my wings rip to shred just as take off. I grip for the iron rod and try to hold fast but my grip slips away as if it was an illusion of trickery which wasn't there at all. I am in love with idols and worship them daily, for I have trouble leaving behind their worldly promises. My body is a poison spreading to all who i have in contact whether good or bad. Silent ears tend to fall, where I am left alone on this dark path with out a lantern, when glory appears you reach for and try to achieve but are yanked down back into the monstrous pits of hell. Babylon holds no promises of happiness but does promise destruction. It is up to us find our own joy and fondness. Nothing but hurt and drama which I'm tired of. I refuse to give my heart to anyone to have it stepped on and shattered. I refuse to allow myself any longer to be chained and shackled and confined to the prison of standards of others but to be free and live by my standards.
Relationships come and go just as the tide flows with the time of day. Heartache comes and we can dwell on the minuscule details of the picture or paint with the vibrant colors of life and look to each day as a new adventure. To accept ones self to live the life of the being that you were created to be, creates a self identity that belongs to you and one that should be cherished. For being individuals is what creates the enigmatic self being one that guides us on our path. We need to always reach for the stars and to be helping hands to those in need.
We can allow ourselves to be thrown into a depression of self pity and victimization or we can move on and embrace our journey with admiration and love and take the best that life can give us. We all have our downtrodden days but it is up to us to release oursleves from the shackles and bondage.
A Coming Out Story
Actually this was written somewhere between January 1 2009, and Feb. 8 2009
I am a 26 year old gay male, or at least that s how I identified myself when I came out of the closet for what I thought I was the last time. What do I identify myself as? I am a rape survivor, I am a porn star, I am a divorcee, I am a minister, I am a Mormon, I am a female in a man's body. I am ME. The road, the journey if I may, of coming out is a long one and no two stories are the same, Some may be easy, some may be harder, others only had to come out once, while others like myself have been in and out of the closet many times just to find themselves when they did finally come out of the journey of self realization was only just the beginning.
My life has not been an easy one, nor can i say that I have many regrets. Every life experience I have had has contributed to the person I am today and more than likely would not change a thing. It would have just presented myself with different life experiences. I am thankful for the love and support of my parents and for my mom teaching me that my happiness is all that matters and that I just need to be myself.
I am a 26 year old gay male, or at least that s how I identified myself when I came out of the closet for what I thought I was the last time. What do I identify myself as? I am a rape survivor, I am a porn star, I am a divorcee, I am a minister, I am a Mormon, I am a female in a man's body. I am ME. The road, the journey if I may, of coming out is a long one and no two stories are the same, Some may be easy, some may be harder, others only had to come out once, while others like myself have been in and out of the closet many times just to find themselves when they did finally come out of the journey of self realization was only just the beginning.
My life has not been an easy one, nor can i say that I have many regrets. Every life experience I have had has contributed to the person I am today and more than likely would not change a thing. It would have just presented myself with different life experiences. I am thankful for the love and support of my parents and for my mom teaching me that my happiness is all that matters and that I just need to be myself.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Facebook Statuses from Andrew's account: November 19th- December 31, 2008
November 19th
- going to be at the preimere of Twilight Tomorrow. I will be @ the Jordan Commons theatre for the Twilight Prom telling your fortunes
- Going against my tradition. Im starting to get into the Christmas Spirit before Thanksgiving. My Sanity depends on it this year
November 21st
- is drained after the twilight event. worked the event, saw the midnight show, dennys afterwards. got home at 430a, went to bed @ 5 got up at 8 for class
- is really frustrated and upset at payroll and accounting they have to get me a paycheck on time as well as not giving me the run around
November 22nd
- is deciding if he will participate today in utahs HOLY WAR
- is being drained by constantly having 2 defend beliefs/views on prop 8. Tired of harrasment & threats for expressing my views. its becoming hard not 2 give in
- says GO UTES
- is celebrating UTES WON
November 25th
- is exhausted and utterly drained beyond belief. Excited that sundance is only 50 days away and president elect Obama takes office in 56 days
November 28th
- is going to go look for a christmas tree and decor
November 29th
- is at rehearsel for LIon the witch and the wardobe
December 10th
- is at work trying to memorize his lines for theatre final
December 14
- is trying to memorize lines for theatre final lacking motivation
December 15
- is trying to memorize lines at the resource center while listening to wicked
December 17
- has an audition today for sag short film in january. more details will follow
December 19
- I Don't care if your LDS or any other religion. Dont care what language you speak or what nation your from. The Story of Christ Birth is the Same everywhere. This Christmas season take the time to remember the true meaning of this season and ponder in your hearts. For JESUS is the REASON for the season, not the gifts, shopping or fancy parties. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL. I LOVE YOU ALL Andrew
- is weary of scams, is weary of relationships, is celebrating the birth of our Savior and trying to celebrate life all together
- is blah. they are shutting done the uuniversity due to blizzard weather conditions. This is closing weekend for the play hope all is safe in this storm
December 20
- is cold and numb.. more ways than one
December 25
- is alone...cold...numb....wants to know why....hates christmas
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Why does it take going through a serious problem for one to pick up their journal? I wish I could just disappear. Abbie and I broke up Saturday, today is Tuesday and I am still taking it hard. We were together for 9 months actually over 9 months and engaged and he calls it off. It just wasn't working. I've been blank, anti-social, and very suicidal and I can't stop crying. I just want to drive off a cliff. Almost did and God has a way of intervening even when you don't want him too. The clear.........
I have a long way till I come out I am just realizing its a long journey not just admitting your gay or whatever but also about personal growth and maturity. Its about experience and also the willingness to accept others help in the process, its about finding your niche where you can finally be happy with your true self. I feel the coming out process is never over because of the countless opportunities to discover different components of your life and to be able to accept them for what they are: pieces of you. Being out doesn't mean you have to plaster your lifestyle all over the place, it means being comfortable with who are regardless what others may think. I have been in and out of the closet so many times and I thought I finally came out a year ago and over time I was able to tell people in my life even my LDS Fraternity that I was gay. By all sense of the word I am gay I am sexually attracted to men and only to men, I sleep with men however this is where it gets complicated. I am realizing that yes I am a male, but genderely I relate more to the female gender. I am a male on the outside but more female on the inside. Looking back on my childhood it actually has been apparent and no secret. Stealing my sisters panties especially with the ruffles and wearing them to school (Elem-middle school) Enjoyed playing barbies with my sisters, stealing my sisters dresses and wearing them. Pretending and wishing I was a girl a princess, tucking my cock in to pretend i had a vagina. AL my friends were female. I do drag to pretend I am a female. I more interested in jewelry women's at that. Call it gay if you want but I am a woman inside. That actually scares me because I am already a freak to people, my family is just getting used to the idea of me being gay well Kind of. and now another bombshell to my life. Just because I feel that I am female inside it doesn't mean however i want to have an operation or take hormones even though I have thought about it a lot over the years. Now I know why, I love my body and I look hot. However in drag people don't believe I am a man. My life is just beginning. None of this is new. I am just finally being honest.
I have a long way till I come out I am just realizing its a long journey not just admitting your gay or whatever but also about personal growth and maturity. Its about experience and also the willingness to accept others help in the process, its about finding your niche where you can finally be happy with your true self. I feel the coming out process is never over because of the countless opportunities to discover different components of your life and to be able to accept them for what they are: pieces of you. Being out doesn't mean you have to plaster your lifestyle all over the place, it means being comfortable with who are regardless what others may think. I have been in and out of the closet so many times and I thought I finally came out a year ago and over time I was able to tell people in my life even my LDS Fraternity that I was gay. By all sense of the word I am gay I am sexually attracted to men and only to men, I sleep with men however this is where it gets complicated. I am realizing that yes I am a male, but genderely I relate more to the female gender. I am a male on the outside but more female on the inside. Looking back on my childhood it actually has been apparent and no secret. Stealing my sisters panties especially with the ruffles and wearing them to school (Elem-middle school) Enjoyed playing barbies with my sisters, stealing my sisters dresses and wearing them. Pretending and wishing I was a girl a princess, tucking my cock in to pretend i had a vagina. AL my friends were female. I do drag to pretend I am a female. I more interested in jewelry women's at that. Call it gay if you want but I am a woman inside. That actually scares me because I am already a freak to people, my family is just getting used to the idea of me being gay well Kind of. and now another bombshell to my life. Just because I feel that I am female inside it doesn't mean however i want to have an operation or take hormones even though I have thought about it a lot over the years. Now I know why, I love my body and I look hot. However in drag people don't believe I am a man. My life is just beginning. None of this is new. I am just finally being honest.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Finding Faith in Yourself (An Interfaith Service talk For U of U Pride Week)
Written For Wednesday 22 October 2008
This talk was actually harder to write then I thought. I love to talk as those who know me would vouch, however I had a hard time coming up with word without sounding patronizing or becoming a self help novel- even though I need all the help I can get. I will try to keep it short for sake of time and also your tender ears.
We live in a society where we are told how to live our lives, that being gay is a sin, an abomination; that gays are perverts and lesbians are even more confused. We are also told that transgender are freaks and our allies are wrong for defending the LGBT Community. That gays or women should not be ministers nor should individuals of the LGBT community serve in a position of the church. We are ostracized and told that we need to change ourselves and hide who we are to fit in order to fit into the mainstream of life. However who is to say that mainstream society are the ones who do not fit into the schemes of things. We live in a changing world where things are becoming more and more accepted. Hey just look at Connecticut, just becoming the third state to allow same sex marriage. We have a generation who is more accepting and every year we have more and more allies join the cause to fight for rights of the LGBT community, however first I want to say it is great we have our allies and their work and affirmation is appreciated, but their work is in vain as long as the LGBT community as well as all individuals continue to look for affirmation from others.
We as individuals, regardless of sexuality, religion, race, creed, social status etc. need to find our own acceptance, our own faith within ourselves. We want to be accepted by communities and the world as individuals, while majority of the time we can not accept ourselves for being who we are. We tend to let sexuality, religious beliefs, churches, and social stigma dictate how we should live our lives. We allow ourselves to be told this is how we must live and this is what you have to do to fit in, and you have to be this sort of person to serve or worship in a particular faith. The thing is we do not need to be affirmed, or live our lives to please others. Who we are as an individual, has to do with accepting yourself as a person, believing in your faith, following your heart, accepting your appearance and most importantly loving yourself.
Case example. I was raped and molested as a kid at the age of 6 and 12. I hated the world and I hated myself. I hid myself in a world of fantasy to escape to find a place to belong. I raised myself in religion and the doctrines of churches. I taught myself homosexuality was wrong, and pushed myself deep into indoctrination of the Bible. I sold my body into the slavery of prostitution and porn, got married so I would not be gay, became a minister because ministers are not gay at all, later I joined the LDS church tried to hide myself in missions and the temple, I tried my hardest to fit into the mainstream of society and be what society wanted to dictate for me while looking for that acceptance in all the wrong places. I tried to be everything that everyone wanted me to be and then some but the one person I could not be was the one of who I wanted to be. I wanted people to accept me for who I was however I could not accept myself as a person nor in reality accept others affirmation of myself because there was no foundation to it. I tried to start being myself when I told my wife I was gay and after the divorce I thought I can truly be myself. However within a few months I was back in the closet because I could not accept myself. Burying myself deep within church and trying to be someone I wasn’t because I wasn’t willing to face the hurt and rejection that comes with in my opinion being gay. I went back to drinking, I tried everything I could to be someone different even though none of my friends or family cared if I was gay or not. It was myself who could not deal with it. I finally came to realization, after the last time trying to kill myself, because I could not measure up to the way and the person I knew the LDS church wanted for me, that the only way I would ever be truly happy was to find myself, was to love myself for who I was. When I came out the closet for the last time I realized that it doesn’t matter what others thought about me being gay or not but what I felt about me as an individual. I was no longer ashamed of myself but was willing to be me no matter what others thought.
Trust me it’s not easy to allow yourself to break from the bondage of thoughts feelings and society implications however it is liberating. I realized my accepting myself for me, in my case my sexuality in others it can be something different, that it does not change my beliefs and doesn’t change me as a person but adds a completeness to me. It makes me ME! In doing so my depression, my self esteem and self worth all improved. Am I still LDS, yes I still hold fast to many beliefs of the church never asked to be removed but I’m nondenominational in helping others regardless of their religious beliefs to be themselves and bridge the gaps between religions as well as helping others realize that its ok to be gay and still hold on to your beliefs, its ok to be be part of a religion or not. Just main message be yourself.
We have a lot of people being told what to believe how to believe, being told how to live your life. The main thing is you need to be yourself, need to love yourself, you need to live for the opportunity to be yourself to love yourself for who you are, not what you are. you can still have your faith and belong to your church whether LDS, apostolic, Baptists, Jewish, Muslim, Pagan, Wiccan, non denominational, or any religion, sexuality does not define who you are, sexuality does not define what religion you should be part of, sexuality is who are as a part of a whole. Just because you are gay does not mean that you can not be Mormon, Just because your gay does not mean you can’t be a Republican. There are many facets to life, too many people are being caught up on the ideology of society, too many people are allowing themselves to be cohearsed and suggested you have to live a certain way because you are this type of person or because you are this or that. The true thing is you need to be yourself regardless, don’t worry about what other people tell you, but what truly matters inside of you is what really counts and truly matters in the long run. To be able to accept yourself for who you are regardless if other people look down on you because of your religion, sexuality, or that big huge zit on your forehead. But accepting yourself and loving yourself for who you are and not what people can define you as you know is truly what matters the most. It is what will get you ahead in this world, it will come and suppress all oppression and will really help you be in tuned with yourself and love yourself. Think of yourself as a flower; that you as a person is the stem and the petals are different facets of what makes you as a whole. Some may have more petals then others, while others have allowed their petals to wilt away. your petals are the very things that make you you. Examples a persons petals or facets can consist of your cognitive, spiritual, social, emotional, and sexuality. Some may have allowed their petals to wilt away and only have a few or some have a lot more. Its how you see yourself as a whole. Be yourself focuses on all aspects of you life coexisting with one another. Which is the idea that society just needs to coexist together. we get to many people telling others there is only one way to live only one right, At the same time though we can not force our beliefs, our way of life onto other people. It’s great to be well knowledge and well verse at the same time we need to have a healthy balance and be able to allow other people to have their own beliefs and to choose for themselves what they want in life.
This talk was actually harder to write then I thought. I love to talk as those who know me would vouch, however I had a hard time coming up with word without sounding patronizing or becoming a self help novel- even though I need all the help I can get. I will try to keep it short for sake of time and also your tender ears.
We live in a society where we are told how to live our lives, that being gay is a sin, an abomination; that gays are perverts and lesbians are even more confused. We are also told that transgender are freaks and our allies are wrong for defending the LGBT Community. That gays or women should not be ministers nor should individuals of the LGBT community serve in a position of the church. We are ostracized and told that we need to change ourselves and hide who we are to fit in order to fit into the mainstream of life. However who is to say that mainstream society are the ones who do not fit into the schemes of things. We live in a changing world where things are becoming more and more accepted. Hey just look at Connecticut, just becoming the third state to allow same sex marriage. We have a generation who is more accepting and every year we have more and more allies join the cause to fight for rights of the LGBT community, however first I want to say it is great we have our allies and their work and affirmation is appreciated, but their work is in vain as long as the LGBT community as well as all individuals continue to look for affirmation from others.
We as individuals, regardless of sexuality, religion, race, creed, social status etc. need to find our own acceptance, our own faith within ourselves. We want to be accepted by communities and the world as individuals, while majority of the time we can not accept ourselves for being who we are. We tend to let sexuality, religious beliefs, churches, and social stigma dictate how we should live our lives. We allow ourselves to be told this is how we must live and this is what you have to do to fit in, and you have to be this sort of person to serve or worship in a particular faith. The thing is we do not need to be affirmed, or live our lives to please others. Who we are as an individual, has to do with accepting yourself as a person, believing in your faith, following your heart, accepting your appearance and most importantly loving yourself.
Case example. I was raped and molested as a kid at the age of 6 and 12. I hated the world and I hated myself. I hid myself in a world of fantasy to escape to find a place to belong. I raised myself in religion and the doctrines of churches. I taught myself homosexuality was wrong, and pushed myself deep into indoctrination of the Bible. I sold my body into the slavery of prostitution and porn, got married so I would not be gay, became a minister because ministers are not gay at all, later I joined the LDS church tried to hide myself in missions and the temple, I tried my hardest to fit into the mainstream of society and be what society wanted to dictate for me while looking for that acceptance in all the wrong places. I tried to be everything that everyone wanted me to be and then some but the one person I could not be was the one of who I wanted to be. I wanted people to accept me for who I was however I could not accept myself as a person nor in reality accept others affirmation of myself because there was no foundation to it. I tried to start being myself when I told my wife I was gay and after the divorce I thought I can truly be myself. However within a few months I was back in the closet because I could not accept myself. Burying myself deep within church and trying to be someone I wasn’t because I wasn’t willing to face the hurt and rejection that comes with in my opinion being gay. I went back to drinking, I tried everything I could to be someone different even though none of my friends or family cared if I was gay or not. It was myself who could not deal with it. I finally came to realization, after the last time trying to kill myself, because I could not measure up to the way and the person I knew the LDS church wanted for me, that the only way I would ever be truly happy was to find myself, was to love myself for who I was. When I came out the closet for the last time I realized that it doesn’t matter what others thought about me being gay or not but what I felt about me as an individual. I was no longer ashamed of myself but was willing to be me no matter what others thought.
Trust me it’s not easy to allow yourself to break from the bondage of thoughts feelings and society implications however it is liberating. I realized my accepting myself for me, in my case my sexuality in others it can be something different, that it does not change my beliefs and doesn’t change me as a person but adds a completeness to me. It makes me ME! In doing so my depression, my self esteem and self worth all improved. Am I still LDS, yes I still hold fast to many beliefs of the church never asked to be removed but I’m nondenominational in helping others regardless of their religious beliefs to be themselves and bridge the gaps between religions as well as helping others realize that its ok to be gay and still hold on to your beliefs, its ok to be be part of a religion or not. Just main message be yourself.
We have a lot of people being told what to believe how to believe, being told how to live your life. The main thing is you need to be yourself, need to love yourself, you need to live for the opportunity to be yourself to love yourself for who you are, not what you are. you can still have your faith and belong to your church whether LDS, apostolic, Baptists, Jewish, Muslim, Pagan, Wiccan, non denominational, or any religion, sexuality does not define who you are, sexuality does not define what religion you should be part of, sexuality is who are as a part of a whole. Just because you are gay does not mean that you can not be Mormon, Just because your gay does not mean you can’t be a Republican. There are many facets to life, too many people are being caught up on the ideology of society, too many people are allowing themselves to be cohearsed and suggested you have to live a certain way because you are this type of person or because you are this or that. The true thing is you need to be yourself regardless, don’t worry about what other people tell you, but what truly matters inside of you is what really counts and truly matters in the long run. To be able to accept yourself for who you are regardless if other people look down on you because of your religion, sexuality, or that big huge zit on your forehead. But accepting yourself and loving yourself for who you are and not what people can define you as you know is truly what matters the most. It is what will get you ahead in this world, it will come and suppress all oppression and will really help you be in tuned with yourself and love yourself. Think of yourself as a flower; that you as a person is the stem and the petals are different facets of what makes you as a whole. Some may have more petals then others, while others have allowed their petals to wilt away. your petals are the very things that make you you. Examples a persons petals or facets can consist of your cognitive, spiritual, social, emotional, and sexuality. Some may have allowed their petals to wilt away and only have a few or some have a lot more. Its how you see yourself as a whole. Be yourself focuses on all aspects of you life coexisting with one another. Which is the idea that society just needs to coexist together. we get to many people telling others there is only one way to live only one right, At the same time though we can not force our beliefs, our way of life onto other people. It’s great to be well knowledge and well verse at the same time we need to have a healthy balance and be able to allow other people to have their own beliefs and to choose for themselves what they want in life.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
18 September 2008
It is sad how much of my life I have not recorded. Since I had my original journal stolen (back in Dec. or january) that had everything in it since I joined the church. All callings, all thoughts all feelings, talks and 2-3 years worth of entries. However I need to start again.
It is interesting where comfort finds you when you need comfort the most. I thought my depression medicine really wasn't working thatwas until not taking it for 3 days. I'm emotional, suicidal, eratic. I'm not able to sleep, eating constantly. I AM LDS, I AM GAY and that seems like oil and water. However i was watching Jeffersons on TVland and they had an episode where they had a new minister in the church that robbed the congregation especially Florence not only of money but made her doubt her faith and such. But she learned no matter what, her faith is not or should not be based on a man or a church, But in God. I am a gay mormon boy, I strugge not with my faith in the church but whether I will follow the teachings of the church completely and thus being completely miserable or being happy and have a relationship that goes against the church. Well regardless I NEED TO TAKE MY MEDS. The church is true
It is interesting where comfort finds you when you need comfort the most. I thought my depression medicine really wasn't working thatwas until not taking it for 3 days. I'm emotional, suicidal, eratic. I'm not able to sleep, eating constantly. I AM LDS, I AM GAY and that seems like oil and water. However i was watching Jeffersons on TVland and they had an episode where they had a new minister in the church that robbed the congregation especially Florence not only of money but made her doubt her faith and such. But she learned no matter what, her faith is not or should not be based on a man or a church, But in God. I am a gay mormon boy, I strugge not with my faith in the church but whether I will follow the teachings of the church completely and thus being completely miserable or being happy and have a relationship that goes against the church. Well regardless I NEED TO TAKE MY MEDS. The church is true
Monday, December 3, 2007
Love means you never have to say you are sorry
I like men, I occasionally have sex with men more frequently then not. The thoughts and fantasy's run through my head constantly. I've been with hundreds of guys and I wish that was an exaggeration. Yet only one made me feel like a person, made me see that there is more to life than just sex, more to a relationship than sexual content. Robert made me feel special and treated me with respect. He taught me to look for love and not settle, he taught me how to build a healthy foundation of friendship, trust, and companionship above all else. He above all encouraged me to be myself and don't change who I am for anyone. I have had sex with two women in my life, made out with five and was married to one for 4 years.
The five months with Robert were special and lacked sex. I really want to be a father and have a proper family, wife, kids, etc. But can I make myself attracted to women or am i just inexperienced in that department and need to sleep with more women. However, doing so would be going against the church which I just became active again but so is sleeping with men, neither do I really want to do and how fair would it be to the women with me just using them. However, how can I live the life I want without knowing if I can so would it be ok to sleep around with women if it meant turning me away from men or do i just sit and twiddle my thumbs living a life that is against the church, and against one i don't want to live or do I suffer and take the chance and go through another divorce. The only other choice is to be alone for the rest of my life and to me that's not an option.
----I need to condition myself and look to the temple and the scriptures---
I know that Heavenly Father loves me regardless and I just need to turn to him for all things....
Today Mon. Dec 3 starts the last week of my first semester back to the school. School is definitely not easy. It's been a challenging semester with my back problems, laziness, and AT times lack of motivation. Dropping a class early on to get more hours at work that a couple of weeks later left me without those hours due to hiring a new teacher and a thousand and change deeper into the hole from my loan. I am looking, forward to this short break and to the start of a fresh semester. I have applied at a few jobs this semester because I am not making enough money at Washington Elementary School. Valley Mental health turned me down and today I should hear whether or not I get the job at Westridge Academy. Fingers crossed really hope i get it. It would really help free me financially, give me medical and dental insurance, and give me a job with a solid LDS foundation base.
Other notes: my sister just found out Friday that she lost custody of her daughter. Her e-husband got primary custody due to the judge saying he was more mature than Jenna
Well in closing- brief things to mention is that my grandfather finally published his book "An Old-Fashioned Christmas Story," and it came available at Thanksgiving. This was a story I grew up listening to every Christmas. Well I will write more later because its bed time for me 10:45 class comes early and it 2:45a right now. Till later
MATTERS OF THE HEART
When the season comes that the heart is ripe for the picking.
It is able to be plucked from the branches of life with ease.
Love freely given has no separate giver or receiver
And is not chained or shackled by the bonds of time
It is not enough to love where there is no reciprocation
When the time comes that the heart is tossed upon the compost heap
You find that is does not become as it once was and can not be mended
However, you must let the old rot away in order that it may be used as fertilizer
To create an object of desire once more........
1030p
I am finding it hard to let Robert go. I have no problem with him dating. However I do have a problem with him showing affection to his new fling in front of me in my own house, affection he never showed me, and it barely been 3 weeks since we broke up, because he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. You would think he would have the decency to do be courteous enough and do it away from me.
AARGH AARGH AARGH AARGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH
I hope I get the job at Westridge Academy I should find out tomorrow
The five months with Robert were special and lacked sex. I really want to be a father and have a proper family, wife, kids, etc. But can I make myself attracted to women or am i just inexperienced in that department and need to sleep with more women. However, doing so would be going against the church which I just became active again but so is sleeping with men, neither do I really want to do and how fair would it be to the women with me just using them. However, how can I live the life I want without knowing if I can so would it be ok to sleep around with women if it meant turning me away from men or do i just sit and twiddle my thumbs living a life that is against the church, and against one i don't want to live or do I suffer and take the chance and go through another divorce. The only other choice is to be alone for the rest of my life and to me that's not an option.
----I need to condition myself and look to the temple and the scriptures---
I know that Heavenly Father loves me regardless and I just need to turn to him for all things....
Today Mon. Dec 3 starts the last week of my first semester back to the school. School is definitely not easy. It's been a challenging semester with my back problems, laziness, and AT times lack of motivation. Dropping a class early on to get more hours at work that a couple of weeks later left me without those hours due to hiring a new teacher and a thousand and change deeper into the hole from my loan. I am looking, forward to this short break and to the start of a fresh semester. I have applied at a few jobs this semester because I am not making enough money at Washington Elementary School. Valley Mental health turned me down and today I should hear whether or not I get the job at Westridge Academy. Fingers crossed really hope i get it. It would really help free me financially, give me medical and dental insurance, and give me a job with a solid LDS foundation base.
Other notes: my sister just found out Friday that she lost custody of her daughter. Her e-husband got primary custody due to the judge saying he was more mature than Jenna
Well in closing- brief things to mention is that my grandfather finally published his book "An Old-Fashioned Christmas Story," and it came available at Thanksgiving. This was a story I grew up listening to every Christmas. Well I will write more later because its bed time for me 10:45 class comes early and it 2:45a right now. Till later
MATTERS OF THE HEART
When the season comes that the heart is ripe for the picking.
It is able to be plucked from the branches of life with ease.
Love freely given has no separate giver or receiver
And is not chained or shackled by the bonds of time
It is not enough to love where there is no reciprocation
When the time comes that the heart is tossed upon the compost heap
You find that is does not become as it once was and can not be mended
However, you must let the old rot away in order that it may be used as fertilizer
To create an object of desire once more........
1030p
I am finding it hard to let Robert go. I have no problem with him dating. However I do have a problem with him showing affection to his new fling in front of me in my own house, affection he never showed me, and it barely been 3 weeks since we broke up, because he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. You would think he would have the decency to do be courteous enough and do it away from me.
AARGH AARGH AARGH AARGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH
I hope I get the job at Westridge Academy I should find out tomorrow
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)