Facebook Statuses from Andrew's account: November 19th- December 31, 2008

November 19th

• going to be at the preimere of Twilight Tomorrow. I will be @ the Jordan Commons theatre for the Twilight Prom telling your fortunes
• Going against my tradition. Im starting to get into the Christmas Spirit before Thanksgiving. My Sanity depends on it this year

November 21st

• is drained after the twilight event. worked the event, saw the midnight show, dennys afterwards. got home at 430a, went to bed @ 5 got up at 8 for class
• is really frustrated and upset at payroll and accounting they have to get me a paycheck on time as well as not giving me the run around

November 22nd

• is deciding if he will participate today in utahs HOLY WAR
• is being drained by constantly having 2 defend beliefs/views on prop 8. Tired of harrasment & threats for expressing my views. its becoming hard not 2 give in
• says GO UTES
• is celebrating UTES WON

November 25th

• is exhausted and utterly drained beyond belief. Excited that sundance is only 50 days away and president elect Obama takes office in 56 days

November 28th

• is going to go look for a christmas tree and decor

November 29th

• is at rehearsel for LIon the witch and the wardobe

December 10th

• is at work trying to memorize his lines for theatre final

December 14

• is trying to memorize lines for theatre final lacking motivation

December 15

• is trying to memorize lines at the resource center while listening to wicked

December 17

• has an audition today for sag short film in january. more details will follow

December 19

• I Don't care if your LDS or any other religion. Dont care what language you speak or what nation your from. The Story of Christ Birth is the Same everywhere. This Christmas season take the time to remember the true meaning of this season and ponder in your hearts. For JESUS is the REASON for the season, not the gifts, shopping or fancy parties. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL. I LOVE YOU ALL Andrew
• is weary of scams, is weary of relationships, is celebrating the birth of our Savior and trying to celebrate life all together
• is blah. they are shutting done the uuniversity due to blizzard weather conditions. This is closing weekend for the play hope all is safe in this storm

December 20

• is cold and numb.. more ways than one

December 25

• is alone...cold...numb....wants to know why....hates christmas

Why does it take going through a serious problem for one to pick up their journal?  I wish I could just disappear.  Abbie and I broke up Saturday, today is Tuesday and I am still taking it hard.  We were together for 9 months actually over 9 months and engaged and he calls it off.  It just wasn't working. I've been blank, anti-social, and very suicidal and I can't stop crying.  I just want to drive off a cliff. Almost did and God has a way of intervening even when you don't want him too.  The clear.........

I have a long way till I come out I am just realizing its a long journey not just admitting your gay or whatever but also about personal growth and maturity.  Its about experience and also the willingness to accept others help in the process, its about finding your niche where you can finally be happy with your true self.  I feel the coming out process is never over because of the countless opportunities to discover different components of your life and to be able to accept them for what they are: pieces of you.  Being out doesn't mean you have to plaster your lifestyle all over the place, it means being comfortable with who are regardless what others may think.  I have been in and out of the closet so many times and I thought I finally came out a year ago and over time I was able to tell people in my life even my LDS Fraternity that I was gay.  By all sense of the word I am gay I am sexually attracted to men and only to men, I sleep with men however this is where it gets complicated. I am realizing that yes I am a male, but genderely I relate more to the female gender. I am a male on the outside but more female on the inside.  Looking back on my childhood it actually has been apparent and no secret.  Stealing my sisters panties especially with the ruffles and wearing them to school (Elem-middle school) Enjoyed playing barbies with my sisters, stealing my sisters dresses and wearing them.  Pretending and wishing I was a girl a princess, tucking my cock in to pretend i had a vagina.  AL my friends were female.  I do drag to pretend I am a female.  I more interested in jewelry women's at that.  Call it gay if you want but I am a woman inside.  That actually scares me because I am already a freak to people, my family is just getting used to the idea of me being gay well Kind of. and now another bombshell to my life.  Just because I feel that I am female inside it doesn't mean however i want to have an operation or take hormones even though I have thought about it a lot over the years.  Now I know why, I love my body and I look hot.  However in drag people don't believe I am a man.  My life is just beginning.  None of this is new.  I am just finally being honest.

Finding Faith in Yourself (An Interfaith Service talk For U of U Pride Week)

Written For Wednesday 22 October 2008

This talk was actually harder to write then I thought.  I love to talk as those who know me would vouch, however I had a hard time coming up with word without sounding patronizing or becoming a self help novel- even though I need all the help I can get.  I will try to keep it short for sake of time and also your tender ears. 

We live in a society where we are told how to live our lives, that being gay is a sin, an abomination; that gays are perverts and lesbians are even more confused.  We are also told that transgender are freaks and our allies are wrong for defending the LGBT Community.  That gays or women should not be ministers nor should individuals of the LGBT community serve in a position of the church.  We are ostracized and told that we need to change ourselves and hide who we are to fit in order to fit into the mainstream of life.  However who is to say that mainstream society are the ones who do not fit into the schemes of things.  We live in a changing world where things are becoming more and more accepted.  Hey just look at Connecticut, just becoming the third state to allow same sex marriage. We have a generation who is more accepting and every year we have more and more allies join the cause to fight for rights of the LGBT community, however first I want to say it is great we have our allies and their work and affirmation is appreciated, but their work is in vain as long as the LGBT community as well as all individuals continue to look for affirmation from others.  

We as individuals, regardless of sexuality, religion, race, creed, social status etc. need to find our own acceptance, our own faith within ourselves.  We want to be accepted by communities and the world as individuals, while majority of the time we can not accept ourselves for being who we are.  We tend to let sexuality, religious beliefs, churches, and social stigma dictate how we should live our lives.  We allow ourselves to be told this is how we must live and this is what you have to do to fit in, and you have to be this sort of person to serve or worship in a particular faith. The thing is we do not need to be affirmed, or live our lives to please others.  Who we are as an individual, has to do with accepting yourself as a person, believing in your faith, following your heart, accepting your appearance and most importantly loving yourself.

Case example.  I was raped and molested as a kid at the age of 6 and 12.  I hated the world and I hated myself.  I hid myself in a world of fantasy to escape to find a place to belong.  I raised myself in religion and the doctrines of churches.  I taught myself homosexuality was wrong, and pushed myself deep into indoctrination of the Bible.  I sold my body into the slavery of prostitution and porn, got married so I would not be gay, became a minister because ministers are not gay at all, later I joined the LDS church tried to hide myself in missions and the temple, I tried my hardest to fit into the mainstream of society and be what society wanted to dictate for me while looking for that acceptance in all the wrong places. I tried to be everything that everyone wanted me to be and then some but the one person I could not be was the one of who I wanted to be.  I wanted people to accept me for who I was however I could not accept myself as a person nor in reality accept others affirmation of myself because there was no foundation to it.  I tried to start being myself when I told my wife I was gay and after the divorce I thought I can truly be myself. However within a few months I was back in the closet because I could not accept myself.  Burying myself deep within church and trying to be someone I wasn’t because I wasn’t willing to face the hurt and rejection that comes with in my opinion being gay. I went back to drinking, I tried everything I could to be someone different even though none of my friends or family cared if I was gay or not.  It was myself who could not deal with it.  I finally came to realization, after the last time trying to kill myself, because I could not measure up to the way and the person I knew the LDS church wanted for me, that the only way I would ever be truly happy was to find myself, was to love myself for who I was.  When I came out the closet for the last time I realized that it doesn’t matter what others thought about me being gay or not but what I felt about me as an individual.  I was no longer ashamed of myself but was willing to be me no matter what others thought.  

Trust me it’s not easy to allow yourself to break from the bondage of thoughts feelings and society implications however it is liberating. I realized my accepting myself for me, in my case my sexuality in others it can be something different, that it does not change my beliefs and doesn’t change me as a person but adds a completeness to me.  It makes me ME! In doing so my depression, my self esteem and self worth all improved. Am I still LDS, yes I still hold fast to many beliefs of the church never asked to be removed but I’m nondenominational in helping others regardless of their religious beliefs to be themselves and bridge the gaps between religions as well as helping others realize that its ok to be gay and still hold on to your beliefs, its ok to be be part of a religion or not.  Just main message be yourself.  

We have a lot of people being told what to believe how to believe, being told how to live your life.  The main thing is you need to be yourself, need to love yourself, you need to live for the opportunity to be yourself to love yourself for who you are, not what you are. you can still have your faith and belong to your church whether LDS, apostolic, Baptists, Jewish, Muslim, Pagan, Wiccan, non denominational, or any religion, sexuality does not define who you are, sexuality does not define what religion you should be part of, sexuality is who are as a part of a whole. Just because you are gay does not mean that you can not be Mormon, Just because your gay does not mean you can’t be a Republican. There are many facets to life, too many people are being caught up on the ideology of society, too many people are allowing themselves to be cohearsed and suggested you have to live a certain way because you are this type of person or because you are this or that.  The true thing is you need to be yourself regardless, don’t worry about what other people tell you, but what truly matters inside of you is what really counts and truly matters in the long run.  To be able to accept yourself for who you are regardless if other people look down on you because of your religion, sexuality, or that big huge zit on your forehead.  But accepting yourself and loving yourself for who you are and not what people can define you as you know is truly what matters the most.  It is what will get you ahead in this world, it will come and suppress all oppression and will really help you be in tuned with yourself and love yourself. Think of yourself as a flower; that you as a person is the stem and the petals are different facets of what makes you as a whole.  Some may have more petals then others, while others have allowed their petals to wilt away.  your petals are the very things that make you you.  Examples a persons petals or facets can consist of your cognitive, spiritual, social, emotional, and sexuality.  Some may have allowed their petals to wilt away and only have a few or some have a lot more.  Its how you see yourself as a whole.  Be yourself focuses on all aspects of you life coexisting with one another. Which is the idea that society just needs to coexist together. we get to many people telling others there  is only one way to live only one right, At the same time though we can not force our beliefs, our way of life onto other people.  It’s great to be well knowledge and well verse at the same time we need to have a healthy balance and be able to allow other people to have their own beliefs and to choose for themselves what they want in life.

18 September 2008

It is sad how much of my life I have not recorded. Since I had my original journal stolen (back in Dec. or january) that had everything in it since I joined the church.  All callings, all thoughts all feelings, talks and 2-3 years worth of entries.  However I need to start again.

It is interesting where comfort finds you when you need comfort the most.  I thought my depression medicine really wasn't working thatwas until not taking it for 3 days.  I'm emotional, suicidal, eratic.  I'm not able to sleep, eating constantly.  I AM LDS, I AM GAY and that seems like oil and water.  However i was watching Jeffersons on TVland and they had an episode where they had a new minister in the church that robbed the congregation especially Florence not only of money but made her doubt her faith and such.  But she learned no matter what, her faith is not or should not be based on a man or a church, But in God.  I am a gay mormon boy, I strugge not with my faith in the church but whether I will follow the teachings of the church completely and thus being completely miserable or being happy and have a relationship that goes against the church.  Well regardless I NEED TO TAKE MY MEDS. The church is true

Love means you never have to say you are sorry

I like men, I occasionally have sex with men more frequently then not.  The thoughts and fantasy's run through my head constantly.  I've been with hundreds of guys and I wish that was an exaggeration.  Yet only one made me feel like a person, made me see that there is more to life than just sex, more to a relationship than sexual content.  Robert made me feel special and treated me with respect.  He taught me to look for love and not settle, he taught me how to build a healthy foundation of friendship, trust, and companionship above all else.  He above all encouraged me to be myself and don't change who I am for anyone.  I have had sex with two women in my life, made out with five and was married to one for 4 years.

The five months with Robert were special and lacked sex.  I really want to be a father and have a proper family, wife, kids, etc.  But can I make myself attracted to women or am i just inexperienced in that department and need to sleep with more women.  However, doing so would be going against the church which I just became active again but so is sleeping with men, neither do I really want to do and how fair would it be to the women with me just using them.  However, how can I live the life I want without knowing if I can so would it be ok to sleep around with women if it meant turning me away from men or do i just sit and twiddle my thumbs living a life that is against the church, and against one i don't want to live or do I suffer and take the chance and go through another divorce.  The only other choice is to be alone for the rest of my life and to me that's not an option.

----I need to condition myself and look to the temple and the scriptures---

I know that Heavenly Father loves me regardless and I just need to turn to him for all things....




Today Mon. Dec 3 starts the last week of my first semester back to the school.  School is definitely not easy.  It's been a challenging semester with my back problems, laziness, and AT times lack of motivation.  Dropping a class early on to get more hours at work that a couple of weeks later left me without those hours due to hiring a new teacher and a thousand and change deeper into the hole from my loan.  I am looking, forward to this short break and to the start of a fresh semester.  I have applied at a few jobs this semester because I am not making enough money at Washington Elementary School.  Valley Mental health turned me down and today I should hear whether or not I get the job at Westridge Academy.  Fingers crossed really hope i get it.  It would really help free me financially, give me medical and dental insurance, and give me a job with a solid LDS foundation base.  

Other notes: my sister just found out Friday that she lost custody of her daughter.  Her e-husband got primary custody due to the judge saying he was more mature than Jenna


Well in closing- brief things to mention is that my grandfather finally published his book "An Old-Fashioned Christmas Story," and it came available at Thanksgiving.  This was a story I grew up listening to every Christmas.  Well I will write more later because its bed time for me 10:45 class comes early and it 2:45a right now.  Till later


MATTERS OF THE HEART
When the season comes that the heart is ripe for the picking.
It is able to be plucked from the branches of life with ease.
Love freely given has no separate giver or receiver
And is not chained or shackled by the bonds of time
It is not enough to love where there is no reciprocation
When the time comes that the heart is tossed upon the compost heap
You find that is does not become as it once was and can not be mended
However, you must let the old rot away in order that it may be used as fertilizer
To create an object of desire once more........


1030p
I am finding it hard to let Robert go.  I have no problem with him dating.  However I do have a problem with him showing affection to his new fling in front of me in my own house, affection he never showed me, and it barely been 3 weeks since we broke up, because he said he wasn't ready for a relationship.  You would think he would have the decency to do be courteous enough and do it away from me.

AARGH AARGH AARGH AARGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH

I hope I get the job at Westridge Academy I should find out tomorrow

1246a

I write this with joy and peace knowing the Lord provides the way and is the Great Comforter. I have been going through a few rough patches but i know there is a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere.  Thanksgiving was great I was invited to go to Robert's family's places with him for Thanksgiving; really had a nice time.  Robert and I broke up before Thanksgiving a few days before 6 months. We still are excellent friends and I am blessed to have him in my life.  It's a good thing  I was returning to the LDS church anyways, and at least my relationship with Robert was strictly platonic.  I will always be attracted to men and that can't be helped but I do want a family.

I have been going back to the temple and very involved with the University 46th ward 5th Stake for the University of Utah.

I have been walking a lot more with my cane and I also use a wheelchair now to help me get around.

11 NOVEMBER 2007

What an opportunity to pick up in journal writing a feat that has kind of been placed on the back burner.  I pick up this journal and start rerecording my entry back into the LDS church.  When I came out of the closet I accepted me being gay.  It did not change the truthfulness of the church.  I am required to follow the law of the LDS church no matter what for it is the true church.  I may be be gay but I am LDS and I will do what it takes to CTR for it is my duty no matter what to seek the truth and do the Lord's will no matter the consequences.

FOLLOW THE LORD'S WILL NO MATTER THE CONSEQUENCES

Adventures of Baby Drew

I have been an ABDL all my life. I am open about wearing and love being babied by others. 2002 or 2003 can't remember at moment I was working for Sears and injured my back so I had to wear diapers off and on anyways due to partial bladder incontinence. I had just finished my PhD in Divinty (non accredited seminary) even though I previously have a BA in Pastoral Counseling and am licensed and ordained as a minister. I have worked in Social Services as a case manager, Social Worker, and counseling attributed to bypassing the MSW route and went through the Pastoral route. However, due to returning to school for Theatre and Film Studies as I was beginning to work in film I had to take the University of Utah's General Education requirements which I wasn't able to test out of, especially since I toyed with idea of getting my MSW; So I had to take Sociology and Psychology 101 again, which was fine, however I would have fun in my Sociology Class and dared to be different and for my project do one which was unique. I for whatever reason am not ashamed of being babied and diapered it has afforded my unique experiences in my life growing up, as it was something that i embraced, treated as normal, and interactions I had were different than others because it served as identity verses fetish, and wasn't anyway an act of aggression toward others or children. Friends treated it normal and open even among family. It also allowed me to see that people only have problems with things when one tries to hide things or are uncomfortable in their own skin, and that uncomfort makes others react the same way especially if you are unable to articulate why. I had three negative experiences during the course of the project but nothing huge. Overall successful, I did get to explain short explanation if people pushed that it was a Sociology experiment. Received an A on the assignment. The end, it allowed me to talk and educate on what is the ABDL umbrella, how it wasn't anyway related to pedophilia, and the differences between infantilism (which I fall under)and the spectrum including the fetish side. Below is the Journal for the assignment, will post paper if and when I find it. Adventures of Baby Drew Part 1 8-25-07 The Adventures is a series of days in the life of Baby Drew a freshman at the University of Utah who is doing Sociology project of experiencing and evaluating reactions of people by doing something that is not considered the norm in Salt Lake County Society. This will be a record on the places and the people he comes in contact with armed with just a diaper, t-shirt, pacifier and bottle. Some days he may have a friend taking pictures other days he may be alone.

Walmart

Baby Drew went to Walmart to purchase a few thinks to use for his project, wearing only white tennis shoes as well as a diaper with Elmo tape, a blue shirt and bottle. He goes into Wal-Mart to buy some pacifiers a transformer shirt and a blankie with the thought that they would not let him in. The reactions he got were ok; some laughed to themselves, others laughed out loud, some turned their heads away to try avoid looking, while others looked with a disgusted face. While standing in line some asked if they could take pictures on their cell phones and as he came up to cashier she could not keep from laughing and just laughed uncontrollably.

Valley Fair Mall

After Wal-Mart Baby Drew went to the Valley Fair Mall, as he arrived and started walking to the food court he received comments like that F’in sick, hell that s gross man. Baby Drew then proceeded through the food court and bought some lunch, the girl at the counter about 19 or 20 years old thought Baby Drew was sexy. By this time unlike Wal-Mart he had on the transformer shirt, and was carrying his blankie. Again you had people just stare and others whispering comments to each other. Again people were coming up taking pictures. Baby Drew bought some lotion form Bath and Body Works. He then proceeded into another store where a girl called security with out saying anything to him because she was offended that a guy was in a diaper. Security ushered Baby Drew out of the Mall because they said you had to be fully clothed.

South Towne Mall

Baby Drew after being escorted out of Valley Fair Mall went to South Towne Mall there he found the people to be very favorable. Baby Drew was again in his new transformer shirt, of course diaper and had his blankie, pacifier, and bottle. He had people laugh, think it was cute, wanted pictures of Baby Drew and them, think it was some kind of initiation, ask if it was a school project and all. Baby Drew had opportunities to explain that this was a sociology assignment to those who asked. Baby Drew also went to the toy store and looked at games and a teddy bear. He also went shopping bought some shoes at payless where the cashier pretended not to notice. Bought a pink shirt at Express where the cashier thought it was great and that he needed to go to college to have assignments like this. And Baby Drew did not get kicked out.

Maverick

After Baby Drew Left for his joyous adventure he stopped at Maverick to get some more juice and to get gas. Baby Drew even pumped the gas. Baby Drew got weird lucks while in line to pay however one person said he was crazy.

Gateway Shopping Center

Next Baby Drew continued onto the Gateway Mall to do some more shopping here he was greeted with smile and perplexed looks. Baby Drew walked up to the Train Depot where he was stopped by a security guard and asked what was going on while he called for another security guard. Here they had a discussion if it was appropriated for baby Drew to be wearing just a diaper in public finally they agreed that Baby Drew was clothed so it was ok. So Baby Drew then went to Barnes and Nobles and tried reading some children’s books while the store employees looked on wondering what’s going on and why is a guy in a diaper until one asked and we told her it was for sociology class. Many people took pictures with their phones, while others wanted to pose with baby drew. Others made comments how brave Baby Drew was and that he had balls, while others though laughed, thought it was great and others gave disgusting looks. The head security asked us to leave after being there for almost an hour until I came back wearing pants. At least he did not escort us out. I think it was because a friend was taking pictures.

Smiths

Finally last stop was Smiths, Baby Drew needed to get some Pepsi. He had a bunch of people look and laugh, no one made any rude comment and the cashier said this was nothing compared to what she has seen.

Home

After being gone for 5 hours 5pm to 10pm Baby Drew is tired. Baby Drew goes home and climbs into bed with his blankie and falls asleep.

My thoughts and feelings of the day. I definitely received a wide variety of expressions and emotions. I received both negative and positive comments. However it is interesting I got kicked out of the Valley Fair Mall and asked to leave from the Gateway mall and not Wal-mart I was thinking if anything I would not be allowed into wal-mart. It was very interesting to see the diverse reactions from different age groups with the teenagers and college age students majority positive, a lot of laughing, a lot of pictures taken, and comments being made. Did have a couple of negative comments. With the older crowds they either were laughing or pretending I wasn’t there some had disgusted looks on their face but majority smiled. It was a diverse reaction from different malls and stores it would be interesting to see the reactions of people in other social aspects such as theatres, school, restraints, the bus, and trax, and many others. So the Adventures of Baby Drew to be continued.

University of Utah 8-27-07

Today Baby Drew adventures to the University of Utah to his Monday Classes. On His way to school he rode the bus and the reactions were priceless. Baby Drew pretended nothing was out of the ordinary however the bus driver had a shocked look on his face will others laughed and one woman thought she was going to piss her pants. Baby Drew was asked why he was dressed this way and he stated that it was for a Sociology Class to observe and evaluate peoples reactions of doing something out of the social norm of society.

While waiting for trax not to many showed any notice of Baby Drew accept the drivers passing by just staring. On the Trax heading up to the U on lady asked if she was suppose to tickle Baby Drew because of the Elmo on his diaper. Baby Drew said I hope not.

Baby Drew hears people making comments to one another around school before he heads to class like he is probably making a statement (hmmmm. what statement could could Baby Drew make, diapers are cool, or that the world is safer as a child. lol please.) Maybe its a dare or an initiation of some kind are other comments make as well as it probably for a class, beside that they comment on how crazy baby drew is, how cute he is

7 JULY 2007

The moon is shining brightly on the glassy lake illuminating my soul as the night bringeth me much joy.
(describing a good mood i am in)

my soul explodes with enigmatic energy and serene thoughts as my heart pours of love and like a mighty rushing the vast ocean of life.  (a great mood im in)

1)the sorrow of the setting sun brings darkness to our path but the promise of dawns rays illuminates hope as if a candle was lit to light the darken path.

2)when sorrow befalls, the raven reaps and raps at the door sayingnevermore, but the dove brings hope and clarity to ones soul

Luck is but a more mans wish, but the treasure is what one makes of the current situation.


#'s 1 &2 are on hope



CLOSING NIGHT OF LITTLE MERMAID
Tonight was closing night of the Little Mermaid.

It was a nice run.  It was a wonderful opportunity to once again be on stage.  I was a sailor, ballroom dancer, and courtier.  It was wonderful working with the Academy of Performing Arts.

14 MAY 2004

I asked to be released from my callings at church.  I am actually leaving the LDS Church.  I am getting rid of my garments.  I am leaving because I admit I am gay and I've taken the door to the closet of its hinges.

Ryan is an awesome guy we spent the whole weekend together cuddling again.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I SMOKED POT

17 APRIL 2007

The body is nothing but the dripping wax of a candle,  With our spirits as the flame shinning brighter as we allow ourselves to experience the euphoria of realizing your true inner self.

Be guided as molding wax that can be molded differently each time we reach the next level of perfection.

Maui

These entries fall in somewhere between April 16th and the 22nd while in maui

---

None is poor, O Bhikha
Every one hath got rubies in his bundle.
But how to open the knot he doth not know
And therefore his a Pauper!
-Bhikha (an Indian Saint)

Each and everyone of us has been given gifts and talents.  Its how we use them (our rubies) that allows us to be successful or not.  Until we accept and magnify what we have been given and not focus on what we lack we will never reach the euphoric state that we so desire within our subconscious utopia.  If we appreciate the small things we will be entrusted with the great thing of the world.

Is the sun only the bringer of life and light or is it merely a metaphor of our inner-self as entrusted guardians and lightworkers that by our energy that we provide light and life to one another or on the flip a plague of darkness and death,  It's by our actions that a reaction will happen

---

In a world where the celestial body of moon shines ambiently over the land with the brightness and spirit of that smile of a Cheshire Cat.  A land that must be reached by chasing the white rabbit down the metaphoric rabbit hole of ones self and allowing the magic of self realization to lead them to their euphoria of nirvanic bliss.  The heart of Maui beats as ceremonial drums inviting those wandering travelers and seekers of relaxation from the world beyond, and if the traveler is more daring a journey of enlightenment, the quest for the beauty and the understanding of ones inner light.

A step back in time for some, others freedom of time as the age of hope, peace, and love cries from the hearts of those the world and time has labeled as hippies when they are truly of the seed of understanding; those who can see past socialism, and governmental tyranny, ones who treat the living mother we call home, call earth as a vessel in our search for truth and enlightenment.  The ideologies that are freely expressed are that of us, all who are spiritualists, seekers of thE truth, seekers of the inner light, crusaders seeking for the Holy Grail.

The ocean beats the dance of love that even after every tempest there is a calm.  With theology of finding ones inner self we are commissioned to elevate our thoughts that we may work to achieve perfection through that paths that we laid out each time before returning to earth that we may continue our vision quest.  Until the time that one can free themselves of the religious and social dogmas that plague and imprison their essence that one can not be free for until one is comfortable with their religious path, sexuality, appearance, handicaps and such then you are a slave to your conscious.  For once you free yourself of consciousness then you may dwell in existence and harmony with your conscious and subconscious.....

heading home from NYC to go to maui

As with my previous entry let me try to recap.  As of the last entry 8th of Apr.  I came out to New York to interview as a house boi.  I had the great privilege to visit the Hill Cumorah and also the sacred grove  where Joseph Smith had his First Vision.  Btw I am not taking the position.  I also had a great opportunity where i just spent a whole week of Broadway shows and sightseeing in NYC.  I am literally and utterly exhausted.  Great shows though.

mon. Chicago with Bebe Neuwirth
tues. Legally Blonde
wed. Mamma Mia
Thurs. Phantom of the Opera
Sat.  Rent and Hairspray

I went to rockefeller square, ellis and liberty island ad just dis sightseeing.  2 weeks ago I saw wicked in Chicago.  I am on my way home today just to leave in 2 days for Hawaii.

Lately,  I just haven't had the desire to write in my journal.  I am just running through life in a blah in a mist of my mind.  I thought I use to know what I wanted sexually, beliefs, I am even finding myself ashamed of the LDS Church.  I don't even know if I have a testimony.

I don't read my scriptures, pray, don't go to church much, I'm sleeping around, drinking, not foing to the temple obviously.  I have no drive to do anything

Apr 8, 2004

Great way to start this journal is to fall behind.  This journal will be journal two and I will fill in the other journals as I find them.  Well there is a lot to recap.  However I will start with the accounts of yesterday and today.

First I want to say as I have mentioned countless times before that my life is indeed a manifestation of Babylon to my own demise.  However there is redemption and joy does indeed comes in the morning.  For the Love of our Savior shines forth as an internal and external light of hope peace and love.  However, it only shines brightly as long as we keep it filled with oil of the gospel and fulfilling the obligations commanded by our Heavenly Father.  As the song reads " For the Beauty of the Earth," we are to be greateful with majestic praise to the Lord of all.

For the beauty of the earth For the beauty of the skies,
For the love which from our birth  Over and around us lies
For the beauty of each hour  Of the day and of the night
Hill and vale, and tree and flow'r Sun and Moon, and stars of light
For the joy of human love, Brother, sister, parent, child
Friends on earth, and friend above, for all gentle thoughts and mild
Lord of all, to thee we raise, This greatful hymn of praise

Regardless of the troubles I face in life, regardless of the the tempest I allow myself to be tossed upon, regardless of sexuality.  I need not lose my testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel

*Did not finish this entry in my journal