Land's End Labyrinth Photoshoot

Photo credit Michael Kerner Photography

As a Leather Woman I have been blessed with more than just a great community but given a foundation to life. My vest no longer fits, and the Leather Archives and Museum has asked for it.
Walking the Labyrinth and Flagging at Land's End. Communing with the Sacred Intimate as I say thank you and goodbye for now to San Francisco and the Bay Area. I leave my heart and because I knew you I have have been changed for the better, because I knew you I've been changed for good. The Photographer was going for vulnerable but weird tourist energy appeared.

 This was my 1 year anniversary photoshoot since surgery.

Dear Katerina

Katerina,

That was then, this is now. That was lost, this Is found. You used to hide from the light. You made friends with the night. You were headed the wrong way on a one way track. You felt that you were Going nowhere fast. You got used to the dark. You thought this is who you are. You figured that you were just too far gone. But Kat you were wrong; and it’s time to say goodbye to the old you now. Put the past in the past; Box it up like an old photograph. You don’t have to go back. Kat, that was then, and this is now.

Kat, you're meant to be incomplete and meant to be broken because you are limitless. Believe in yourself, believe and have faith in yourself. You rise from the ashes, and when the sky seems to be falling around you, your dreams move mountains. Have faith in yourself.  In your weakness and temptation just believe in the wonderful and empowered woman you have become. If you must look back through the past, use it to see how far you have come and where you are at today; because you weren't there a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, 6 years ago, or anytime in the last 33 years. It's not over yet, and keep fighting, this is a brand new start in your life, when you think you're finished, just know it's not over yet; embrace the hope that brings you out of the darkness and into the light and never give up.

Embrace the Sacred Intimate. You are both Beautiful inside and out, you are worth it, you deserve it, and you own it. Forget what you think, forget what you know, llallow yourself to be reeducated and learn and discover who you are as a beautiful, intelligent, and empowered woman. You are more than you dream, more than you understand, and more than you think you are. Katerina I am proud of you. I love you so much, you are amazing. This is your time to give yourself the permission, permission that you are holding back, to shine and be successful.  I dare you to be tenacious in your journey and prove it can be done. I dare you to do the impossible. I dare you to work hard, I dare you to be successful, I dare you to embrace this journey and give it your 110%. Did I tell you how much I am so proud of you? Again I love you so much. Happy Valentine's Day to my special woman.

With Sacred Light and Love,.

Your reflection in the mirror

#iamkat #withinthesacredintimate
#sacredintimate

First paragraph was adapted from Josh Wilson's "That was then, this is now"

Speak Up, ACT Up, Save Lives

Step out of the fog, enjoy the sun rises, and live in the moment and day.

Thank you to every person who has challenged me, and dared me to better myself, thank you for every person to call me on my shit and helped keep me accountable. I'm humbled. I still take my inventory, continue to turn my defects into assets, and I keep moving forward first for myself and second as a thank you for the privilege and opportunities afforded to me. My life is a wonderful masterpiece and opus in the works. I am beautiful both inside and out.

Over last several weeks I feel into a depression and allowed myself to indulge  in some gender dysphoria as I found myself going back into surgery for a 3rd time (2nd time for breasts as they remove the original implants and replaced them due to them shifting). As a woman who deals with depression, and bipolar, BPD, etc I have used DBT to manage my my feelings and emotions because I choose with the support of my care team to not be on psych medicines, but I had to put into practice an alternative solution. I don't recommend it for everyone, I am just someone with horrible med adherence and so I learned new ways of coping that worked for me. However these skills became a challenge for me the last couple weeks and so I reached out to my roommate and boyfriend for help.

I love my life and where I have come and I would be remiss if I didn't say there was a time and period last couple weeks I wanted to kill myself for no other reason bit depression and getting caught in my own head. I have a very sordid past and love affairs when it comes to the need to no longer feel or be.  And like all bad romances sometimes one forgets the reason one left in the first time and like myself tends to to revisit and reromanticize the deadly seed or destruction or hangman's noose. I fell into thinking as I watched too many posts either about people committing, suicide (several I knew), talking about killing themselves and I began questioning is their hope for me. I am a recovering addict who more often has and does romanticize the use of drugs and sometimes I just want to give up.

I have that choice to end it but I don't have that right, because not only have I worked hard, overcame much, I have been afforded, gifted, and been privileged with much that some would do anything to get a fraction of the opportunities I have been given. I don't have a right to be selfish and end it consciously as I have been the recipient of services, surgeries, friendships, and hands up. I've made several poor choices which I can easily blame on others or circumstances but there isn't a poor choice that wasn't the bi product in one way or another of something that I had done to set the scene to begin with.

I am grateful for Berlin who helped me look in the mirror and remind me that I am beautiful during this time and night and day changing of my mind. One of my guiltless pleasures I allow myself to indulge in every few months.

I was challenged in my radical acceptance and self esteem and empowerment no less than 24 hours
When I received out of the blue at 4a while enroute to Oceanside series of text messages that easily could fueled my fire just days before.

(Each space represents a text)

Unk. Text: You're a fucking ugly whore. People like you are fucking beneath me.

You are a waste of fucking space in this world.

Me: Who are you

Unk. Text: You should just kill yourself.

Do yourself the favor.

Do the world a favor. Kill yourself.

Me: Sure I'll take the advice from someone is not even in my phone contacts

Unk. Text: It's not advice. It's the truth.

Just kill yourself. Keep using narcotics....

Because you can't stand the ugly whore of a bitch staring back you.

You couldn't stand the boy looking back at you...

Now you can't stand the bitch looking back at you.

Youre nothing....

Youre nothing....

Youre nothing....

Just a waste.... A sorry excuse of a human being.

Me:  sorry the only nothing is the how to hide behind a whole name. Because obviously you don't know me because I absolutely love Who I am and the reflection that I see in the mirror. I know who you're talking about but I don't listen to unknown.  I am more than you'll ever be. You're the only prick you need to grow up

Unk. Text: Do yourself the favor. Do us a favor. Just leave.

You're nothing babe. Completely nothing.

Me:  God bless you.

Turn everything. To keep praying for you. My life is absolutely amazing.

I'm everything

I just hope do you one day find that you are worth something as well and not just delusions

Because I love myself today I Know Who I am. & I hope that you can find who you are and learn to love yourself

** I am pretty sure I know who it is as I suffered the same dispairing display almost a year ago, and others traced the number. The fact I have learned to hold my head high and while far from perfect I have to look at life for at least 5 things in my life and as long as their is at least one thing to be grateful for (which there is always something to be grateful for) than I have no right to sacrifice the time, effort, concerns, work, services, and opportunity that I and others have invested in my life.

I'm tired of death, I'm tired of individuals using it as a tool for manipulation. We lost a dear person this week and a few others over last couple weeks. Aaron W. you will be missed.

A friend of mine has repeatedly blasted on Facebook about wanting to die, taking  bunch of pills, and using it to play on emotions and feelings. I had private conversations to no avail. I was told I was attacking and disrespectful. I am tired of people taking their life, I'm tired of people like myself thinking it is a solution. I was told in comments that if this individual did anything they would report it to police as they screenshot the post and said that I was a bully. The people who are bullies are the ones who coddle and enable  others to live in delusions, and come to the rescue quickly because they feel big bad Kat had bared her claws. I thought about my words all day, I wrote it, had someone proofread it and in a spirit that has been given to me to me countless times, I spoke up when no one else would.

Today I received phone calls saying thank you because to many people refused to speak up for fear of being labeled misogynistic and transogynistic. I have worn satin gloves long enough and while I refuse to hold my tongue for other friends I was doing an injustice to this one, especially who has had previously attempted to take their life.  I will not be silent for anyone, nor will I feel or beheld responsible for another especially if I speak up. This is not a popularity contest. This is a matter of life and death and I will and would rewrite this again for anyone. For those who say this isn't loving than check your privilege. No privilege was exercised in my letter. I am a trans* identified woman, who is HIV+, recovering addict, who is a survivor of multiple suicide attempts, and just grateful my life is worth living.

"Dear [omit name]

I have held my tongue and thoughts long enough.  I can no longer do so as your friend and sister. The reasons I have decided to speak after much consideration -- and to make this public rather than a private message -- is simply for the fact you have made your reasons public. I need to hold you accountable as your sister and family.

Feel free to delete me if you wish.  My silence will no longer allow you to cosign your self-entitled, attention seeking, self-loathing, and manipulating behaviors. That really is a vile and disgusting slap in the face to those who love you. I see you using a "poor me' I'm going to kill myself" as a ploy to fulfill your needs, wants and luxuries. I am aware that you are trans*, HIV+, living in an SRO, on Social Security, and a recipient of difficult to receive benefits. So what!  I want you to accept it, learn to live with it, and stop crying about it. Stop pretending and playing as if you're the only one whose reality is to deal with these things, bullshit. I was there myself. However, I continually chose to make changes in my life. I have had and still have a few people who help me get where I am today. For their combined work, time, and efforts I am grateful.  To not continue to improve on myself, would be slapping each person across their faces.  I need you to know there is so much I had to work for.  I learned to choose where I wanted money to go. And I learned the meaning of sacrifice.

I feel that you must stop dragging everyone down with your posts. Stop threatening to take your life. Stop taking pills. For you health and benefit I need you to just stop. I see that When you post harmful statements you're hurting the people who love and care about you.  I love you, so I can say You are selfish. Grow up. If you don't want your HIV pills because you want to kill yourself.  That is your decision. Take ownership of your problems.  Do not ask others to take on problems that arise from your decisions.  I don't think people should support you because of your immature decisions.

After I read your posts today, I finally reached my withholding point. I'm not going to defend you, your actions, your decisions, and your problems any longer.  I want you to decide to take charge of your life for the better. I'm not a cisgender person calling you out.  I'm calling you out when no one else is going to speak up. I don't care anymore what you think or not think. I love you and care about your life especially when you don't.  I recognize you are taking hostages, and as one of your hostages I'm speaking up for your collective hostages "we are tired of it." I myself took hostages at one time and it took people to speak out to me, and today I speak out to give you the same courtesy.

I hear you complain about poor me poor this, and how everyone is out to get you.  I noticed you treat people like shit every time you post what you post, and every time that you think people need to think what you think.  I have read your responses and you give no room for your support system to have any thoughts of their own.  I have seen that you want your system to match your thoughts.  Budget your money, stop complaining on Facebook and to everyone about how you look, feel, and yourself or self-centered use when you are willing to not do anything to fix it. I am not perfect either and have my own flaws

I speak to you as your friend, I've been there, others been there. But you are being a bitch, there are too many committing suicide and this not a FUCKING joking matter. I am sickened by your constant attitude. Take responsibility for YOUR poor choices. You Live in the best city for your ATV care, your trans care, for any carrier you need. Please stop throwing those services back. So many people would do anything they could to have to services and resources provided to them that you have.

In my opinion you have no business being a roadie captain if you're going to keep using your thoughts and words in a self harming manner.  I need you to be aware that you are basically slapping everyone in the face who works hard to come to accept and battle their HIV each and every day, to make a difference in the world, and their own lives.  I know how lucky you are that you've been afforded with, and offered opportunities to live.  Your posts have shown me you want to choose not to live. As your hostage I say No more coddling, no more talking about how much color swallowing, or that you want to kill yourself because we don't want to hear it.  I'm asking you, the person who has made many demands, to go speak to therapist if you have to want to help. if you don't that's your decision. I love and support you. You know where to come get it. Love is not playing games.  I refuse to continue playing and feel many others think that same way. Choose the love and support that is offered to you or don't. It is your choice.

I don't remain silent for other people I'm no longer remaining silent for you. And hopefully everyone else will see that these games you're playing is nothing more than a manipulation for you to get what you want at other peoples expense; if they want to continue that is up to them but I'm calling it like it is. I'm tired of people committing suicide. I'm tired of no help. I am tired of my friends using suicide as manipulation to put heartstrings. we were losing people daily. We just lost one this week and I can't handle it anymore.

With love,

Your sister Kat"

Silence is deadly. Speak up and Save Lives.

--1 (800) 273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week
Languages: English, Spanish
Website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

--Trans lifeline
US: (877) 565-8860           Canada: (877) 330-6366
Trans Lifeline is a 501(c)3 non-profit dedicated to the well being of transgender people. We run a hotline staffed by transgender people for transgender people. Trans Lifeline volunteers are ready to respond to whatever support needs members of our community might have.

--CHAT HOURS 24/7
CRISIS TEXT LINE
24/7 Confidential Support, Text MYLIFE to 741741

24 HOUR HOTLINES
Crisis Line: (415) 781-0500
HIV Nightline: (415) 434-2437 or 1-800-273-2437
Linea de Apoyo: (415) 989-5212 or 1-800-303-7432
Drug Information Line: (415) 362-3400
Relapse Line: (415) 834-1144
TTY: (415) 227-0245

----------'-

--HIV NIGHTLINE
OPEN 5 PM TO 5 AM EVERY NIGHT
Call 415/ 434-2437 or
800/ 628-9240 Nationwide

The HIV/AIDS Nightline responds to over 10,000 calls annually from all over the United States.  People call us for many reasons: people just testing HIV positive, people in later stages of AIDS feeling isolated and/or concerned about their medications, caregivers buckling under the stress of caring for a loved one at home, and people concerned about the HIV risks.  What makes the Nightline unique is our hours.  For people receiving their HIV test results after work at a clinic, to people just having a night of unsafe sexual exposure, the program is often the only resource open for immediate care.

PROGRAM HISTORY SINCE 1989

In 1989, a small group of San Francisco Suicide Prevention volunteers with AIDS recognized the great need for nighttime emotional support and counseling services for people living with the disease. They realized that nighttime emotional support is essential for people with HIV as medications and emotional stress often result in sleep disturbances, and that HIV-related emotional concerns such as anxiety, despair, loneliness, grief and suicidal ideation are at their peak during nighttime hours.

We’ve seen many changes in the HIV epidemic. In some ways, the issues our callers face have shifted dramatically, especially due to the hope resulting from improved treatment strategies.  What has not changed is fear. Today our clients face the fears of treatment failure, new health epidemics such as Hep C and cancer, and negotiating a new world of living with HIV. The Nightline is as necessary now as it was in 1989. We remain the only program of its kind in the United States.

Mindfulness : DBT in Action and finding my day to better than expected

Today has been a day in the moment, one in which normally would be one where I would allow myself to feel a maniac force  of anxiety that would gail past everyone; to those not taken back and/or to the ground, I would be taking hostages and bringing you into my despair. But blessings, today is a calm in the center of the rain.

This morning I dropped the Pony Express off at shop, after running late because I slept through my alarm after waking up on the floor around 4 am and then climbed into bed.  I did not bother to check for my ATM card, actually I think I might have thought I won't need it, and decided to just go. Why I decided I won't need it (my first sign- everytime I make such a declaration and I don't do the opposite for just in case matters, I need it), it waa simply because I did not plan ahead for the emergencies and I thought I was getting a rental. The problem with that even though rental is covered by insurance they still needed a credit card, okay so secondly it turns out the shop did not have a shuttle for passengers and while they were going to have me drive back to my place, and they drive back I did not trust the car with it raining on the road, (plus I need to put gas in it when I picked it up as there wasn't enough Gas to get back to my place.). So I said I will call Uber or Lyft  as it begins raining, my debit card hasnt been updated in a while on the app, and I asked Dale if he had an uber, to get home. When he got me the Information to order, I had decided I'm wasn't going to use it, as my poor choices and second guessing put me in a position  that wasn't anyone else responsibility to fix; so when the rain stopped I walked to the bus stop (i have my laundry money, from procrastinating) waited maybe 3 minutes for bus to show up right when the rain started, by this time Dale gave me Uber info and thought he had free ride and such on but I decided I'm just going to switch buses. It stopped raining at my stop and I waited for about 4 minutes for the connecting bus and I made it home. As I made it home I sent Dale a code to get free Lyft rides.

As I left to go run errands Dale's car got a flat along the way, and was like okay I got this and i  break out the spare and Jack. For the first time some gentleman stopped to offer to do it for me as he and his wife walked by, I was taken aback. I'm always changing others people's car tires, not the other way around. The spare was shoddy but figure it could get me to place to fix the tires. Nope, luckily  I was blessed with a random stranger helping me called a guy to bring a tire (all while I made claim to geico and then on the phone with them and were about to send tow truck), and while we waited I did not realize I had locked the door of the Mustang when went to roll down windows and hit wrong button and when got out, ihad locked myself out. While they were see how we were going to get in, i had the idea check the trunk, Luckily I had the trunk propped open with the originaI tire need to take it back and just as I suspected older 98 car and it had a thing to pull down and let the seat in back fold down. I'm in a place where I think I'm too skinny and lost breast mass as I wasn't eating fighting for Peru. I am glad I'm this skinny at the moment as I barely fit through that opening into the car to unlock the door.  Turns out the tire was simply low with a air pump compressor and a can of tire flat stuff they fixed the original tire. I am grateful that today I remained focus. That and remained mindful and present and just did all I could taking responsibility. 3.5 hour later home to relax, eat and clean my room

Honoring My ExperienceSpinning Flags and My first burlesque performance

Courtesy Disclaimer *****This entry show breasts, a natural and beautiful thing, they often provide elixir of life for young-lings. The nipples are taped in these pictures but I this is a blog of my life, and I support breastfeeding in public, women without shirts and boobs hanging, I support breast cancer awareness. In previous entries I also show my, vagina, cock, gay sex etc. If you are offended please leave the blog you have been warn.******

burlesque photos courtesy of Jesse Brooks.and Video and few photos Betsy Ponce

Music Courtesy of DJ Bill Strach

Special thanks to Betsy Ponce and Gregg Cassin for their support and council

Saturday started of at 717a with these beautiful flags flying for the first time and taking me to and connecting to a place that that wasn't anywhere I have experienced in either temporal or spiritual realms. Xavier Caylor, I get it now, I thought people had to be tweaked out, jacked up on caffeine, or have gone through a high endurance training; well that may be true for some and one of those categories this is truly a spiritual experience that when one is connected with a purpose the reason why they flag there's something that just allows one to transcend and come one with the flags as one disconnects oneself in order to connect to ones third eye, a higher consciousness, or to the divine of their understanding. I found being connected as the lone flagger I was given the stamina to just continue and time ceased to exist. I noticed at flagging in the park when I flagged after taking a break from photos there was an undeniable connection of some sort among the collective of flaggers and can only be assume that even though they flag for their personal reasons, they are interconnected as one tribe while the music, the camaraderie, the atmospheres, the love for the art, and the bond of spinning, allows one to feel safe to just let go be vunerable and embrace the sacred intimate and they commune on one anothers energy taking from and replenishing one anothers supply.

My first time I ever flew was at St. Dorothy's Rest, Finding Fellowship Retreat at the Costume Party. I went as a goddess of strength and hope with stuff I found in the Attic's costume closet at last minute. I did not want to do go, I was very anti social but Terri K (my sponsor), Jodi G., and David W. were quick to not let me sit and draw the whole time isolated from group, and I flew Davids flags. Thank you to you 3 for forcing me to do the work and making so that I had my first Introduction. You were and are part of my experience and respect each of you immensely, as neither has ever once sugar coated anything for me.

 It wasn't until 3 years later I flew again, using Mike Pierce flags at July's Flagging in the Park after just making a set of my own a few days prior at Xavier's.

I was suppose to lead a Labyrinth Walk, its why I jumped out of bed fresh eyed and like it was no big deal to get up that early, but no one was up for it or they thought the warmth of the cabins, lodges, smoking tent, and chair yoga was more appealing. I was going to flag while others walked; but the universe had other plans for my to honor my sacred intimate instead, therefore clothed initially in pants, jacket, and cloak I welcomed the morning by flagging in front of the main lodge, in cold hand numbing brisk air, and before my first coffee. And soon my cloak was caste aside to allow for a more freer movement of the flags, and I gave my heart completely to those flags and was able to cleared my head, and just interconnect holding sacred s poo ace for myself and every person at retreat HIV positive and negative and the journeys they had to go through, the people they loss as their friends passed away left and right, and honor us as survivors and gave myself to the Divine in praise, gratitude and healing. I thought I flagged for 20 minutes and it was actually a hour that had gone by, 822a is when I felt that I was done, it took awhile to come down and I cant describe how i felt or where i was but I've never had a spiritual experience like this one even though I have had many. I could not get enough flagging throughout the day. It was as if the need coursed through my veins in the sacred space and retreat center (I blame the faeries for their blessing of it ) the place sung to me.

 

Someone asked if I was going to do talent show, which I wasnt planning on doing as I did not have a talent, and they said they would love to see me do the flags, I was like Im just a beginner, but I agreed. What stemmed from a comment from another individual saying they would have never known that I was trans* identified until I outted myself, as I am so beautiful, left me having mixed feelings upon hearing that. I struggle to find a way to reconcile these feelings as I have become so open about my journey as of late, and yes i find myself beautiful, and grateful I "pass under radar with out being clocked" and what I have always wanted but it has become more complicated now. I have a choice to live under radar but I don't have a right I quickly realized at that moment. For almost 6 years I have been the beneficiary of services, groups, assistance, and tax payer funded GRS and Breast augmentation that I did not have to pay for. I have my life because of people who reaches out and helped me get through tough times. I can sit back and say I got what I needed and I am done, but if If did not share my journey several dozen people that have read my blog, or seen my youtube channel, and then messaged me privately saying that something I have posted from either media, my keynote in Fresno, or any number of things that have helped them in their journey for themselves or to help them get what friends or family members maybe would never have gotten the support they needed at that moment or the answers they needed that I break down in a way that is not only easy understood but is being authenticate and transparent, and that telling them the hard truths. A transparency that people normally don't see that is refreshing but by someone who is willing to talk about it so that people are informed about everything for them to make an informed decision.

So as I was thinking about the show, I already had Gloria Gaynor's "I am What I am" followed by Israels "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" chosen, (because of a previous Equality Now movie I made in 2009 using those songs and just recently put it into my YouTube page from Andrew's YouTube) I decided after talking to a few people (both male and female) gathering their opinion I decided to do something brand new and truly honor my Experience, and step out of my comfort zone and deliver a 5 minute number unrehearsed and not only spin flags im a beginner but made it a burlesque number honoring my journey.

 I decided that I would go cloaked with the words Tranny and Trans written in lipstick on my breasts, HIV + underneath and capital ME across stomach. Im so use to leather bar scene and requiring taped nipples that i automatically put bandaids across my nipples (well the are all technically FB approved from start). Clothed in my cloak while Gloria Gaynors song played, I acted like I was trying to decide will I or not go through with a decision. ( for theatrics) and when her "I am what I am" resounded in the chorus the hood came of the, cloak fell and i tossed it to the side, I then danced to both numbers with passion and conviction. Gloria's being up beat and empowering, and Isreals being thoughtful, intimate, and distinguished. I danced with my heart and soul being grateful and humbled, and thanked the universe and the Divine for my journey in my wholeness.

 Clip of my performance

 

 

Bonnie captured the life changing smile

This weekend I explored my sacred intimate and allowed myself to give thanks for all I have received this year, and I had hated my body for years, and today I love it. SEPTEMBER 2014 HOE Retreat, Saturday Morning Session, I stopped trying to convince everyone or force them to see only female, and from then on I did not care what people thought or saw, and it wasn't just words I became comfortable with, but I became comfortable with me as a person. And this was my thank you for this group, and honored this weekend with my flags flying for first time, which I made with the intention to honor and support the trans* community and myself, and my first ever burlesque performance (which people thought I have done it before or for awhile). September 2014 I began to smile genuinely again with this group knocked down the walls and I for the first time was unmasked and knew I no longer had to hide.  I had simply just danced and flagged that weekend what I have felt for almost a year, with the freedom and peace of self just and keeps building up with gratitude, and here I had an outlet finally to Honor my Experiences.......

 Making my first set of flags July 2015 at Xavier Calyor's place

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Jumping through Hoops: Going Abroad in 30 days

So even though they have my birth certificate with gender and name changed, they still wanted more documentation asking if either I have completed transition or am in the middle of it. I receive the email from the national passport center on Monday morning, and luckily I had a doctors appointment later that afternoon. So I'm sending this out along with the rest of the paperwork and my tickets because I paid for expedited passport because I leave in 30 days from today for Peru. However I fly out to Virginia on the 12th of January. I'm ok jumping through these hoops if I have to because once its done I won't have to jump through them again, and today my body actually matches all my legal paperwork ID and birth certificate. very grateful

Honoring My Experiences

So as much as I want to have my month Long Amazon experience,  I would be doing myself a very big injustice. There is so much to do in Peru and South America, that to limit my first adventure in the richness that will be surrounding me on my first trip to such a country will really create a disappointing experience, as I remember my Maui trip the first time I went to Hawaii.  January 18 is the celebration of Lima's founding, as my nurse shared. I fly in on the 16th into Lima, and I want to be able to explore and not start my trip off feeling rushed. This will also allow me to get any shots and immunizations that I will need when I'm in Peru, a lot cheaper than what I can get here. I was given, by my nurse practitioner, the name of a clinic in Lima that has at least one person who speaks English fairly well; the clinic should I need its services, provides excellent care with reasonable and affordable clinic fees available even to foreigners.  To pay what I need for the Amazon upfront has become more difficult as I've been playing catch up since surgery and and with the car being broken into. We will be mailing all my meds (ART, inhalers, estrogen pills-I've been weaning down from the injections) to the closest U.S Embassy to where my journey will be projected to be every 90 days; first Embassy will be in England toward end of March before crossing over to the continent. As of January 31st, my doctor will no longer be with Ward 86 as a PCP; however he will return on main that my doctor until I return from my trip abroad sometime in 2017. I will be in contact with my care team during my whole trip via email with my nurse practitioner, doctor & social worker.

Grrr. I lost the "See how long I could go without hearing the Little Drummer Boy" game as of 620p on 14DEC15.

I really dislike drivers who will speed up when they see you signaling and trying to move into right line for the off ramp, and after forcing you to barely or actually miss the exit, then puts on their signal to speed off into the other lanes of traffic.

This morning I received an email from the U.S Dept of State regardng my Passport, even though they have my birth certificate that has been changed with both name and gender;  they want a letter from my doctor I they signed with an original statement on office letterhead that either stated whether or not I was in the middle of transition and if that was still the case then they would only give me a two year passport. If everything has been completely done, in order to issue a full validity Passport reflecting a gender different from the one on some or all of my citizenship and/or identity evidence, Dr Dan needed to write a letter stating how long i have been under his care, and whether or not he feels I have had the appropriate clinical treatment for transition to the new gender and while him having to say/write "I declare under penalty of perjury under the laws of the United States that the foregoing is true and correct." Im grateful this email came on the day of my appointment.

I made love for the first time in my life last night after coming home from Saratoga Springs and Honoring Our Experiences Retreat (No it wasn't anyone from the retreat). I have never been able to equate sex and love together, and to those I found or I believed that I loved, and made it hard for me to connect sexually in any way it was someone who I genuinely cared about. for me sex has always been a weapon, a means to provide, a means to escape, or means to degrade to be little myself. For the first time in over 10 months, since the moment with tears in my eyes I felt I had just woken up from a bad dream and feeling for the first time "Normal," I allowed myself to be touched, to be intimate, and to honor what my friend Jody G. calls a magic vagina.

Since I was a kid far back at least 5, I was tucking before I knew what that was underneath my little sisters lace ruffle on the butt pink panties that I'd sneak from their room or the laundry and wore them to school; or I was trying to perform my own surgery, because all I knew was that the little thing dangling between my legs was not supposed to be there. Neither of my two younger sisters had anything down there & it was unfair that my they got to wear dresses and cute clothes; I just did not know how to vocalize how I felt. I never thought the day would come that I could finally be like my sisters, and this year has been amazing validation for me but vaginal sex scared me at yet I yearned for it growing up, then became someone who hadn't care much for sex and stopped dilating. Just more recently I've found myself eager to dilated for some reason and then last night I made love to someone and while I did not have an orgasm, having his cock inside of me with no condom (they knew I was positive and they were okay with that, as there is little risk for a top) as my virginity was taken was for its maiden voyage. He was a gentleman,  took ot slow, knew how to kiss, and we connected and made love, for my first time. And it was beautiful, and engulfed in a spiritual, mental, physical, emotion, and sexual interconnectedness.

This weekend resonated and vibrated so passionately and intensely within me, that all I could do was just be, & the strived to be present. I flew my flags several times this weekend, and they are in the colors of the Trans* flag. A gentleman at the the retreat came up to me and said I would have never known you will trans* identified or intersex as you are absolutely beautiful.  I got me thinking I have a choice to either share the duality and my journey, and I could easily go back and just try to be unclocked and under the radar. But I do not have the right to not share, or to hide as I have been given so much from the community, the tax payers, the many services in San Francisco that afforded me the life I have today. The more I share the harder it becomes to hide, as all one has to do is google my name to find more and more things about my work and community involvement.  So I thought about what he said, and for the Talent/No Talent Show I decided to step out of my comfort and I did my first burlesque piece, and written on my chest above each breast where the word tranny and trans, with underneath the breasts the word HIV positive, and in big letters underneath that across the stomach in capital letters is said ME. After the mirror broke I changed how I was going to show how I could not accept myself by the hood of my cloak over my face, and I started going back in for flight I could engage the group as Gloria Gaynor's I am what I am started to play. And when do we hit the refrain I am what I am the hood came off, the clothes came off, revealing couple taped up breasts over the nipples and with scats showimg and I let the flags fly with pride, beauty, and the feeling of being absolutely safe for the first time doing performance. After Gloria Gaynor, we moved into Israel's Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

Today I share openly my duality because of my grandmother, before she passed away,  taught me the importance of embracing Andrew & Katerina when she started to call me AndyKat, which became my tailsman as I switched it to KatAndi, letting it become not only a nickname or profile name, but the name of my media company, "Katandi Media & Entertainment."

I feel so alive and This weekend was absolutely what I needed to allow my heartsong to sing in the gratitude chorus. I was able to be present for others this weekend, and it was amazing I love myself to be loved, cherished, and even more deeply allowed my heart to be held by every single person in the circle. I allowed love to heal me

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Angels in the Rain

I am officially that crazy white girl your mother warned you about. I'm driving home just as it starts pouring raining and see somebody dressed in black, dark skin walking again caught up in the pouring rain. First thought was you don't offer anyone a ride as white girl, Especially in Oakland this time of night; they could steal your car, they could be drug dealers they could kill you, you don't offer a ride to someone this late at night in Oakland. Then a feeling I haven't had in a long time, a very heavy impression, that I need to turn around and see if they need a ride. I was like oh f***. So I did a u-turn, and then it did another u-turn pulling up to where he was and offered him a ride. I gave him a ride from High Street by the tracks out to Parker past +Eastmont Mall. Turns out he just got off work at a liquor store in Alameda and missed the last bus, was going to walk to MacArthur to catch bus, did not know foothill ran all night. I want to take him to next bus stop ahead of the bus, but i was invested at this point. He was more than grateful as he couldn't keep from saying thank you enough and he actually said his faith has been restored in humanity. I told him just return the favor for somebody else later. He said most definitely

He was definitely my angel. I was already fuming and going home angry as my last uber fare ordered for her son, called me when I still 5 minutes away coming from Hayward area saying her app said I should have been there 5 minutes ago at the motel 6 toward airport when I'm still driving in the rain. And then when I'm halfway in the middle of driving him to San Leandro she cancels the ride. Black kid, and such and I was like do I leave him what do I do, and quickly decide I wasn't and couldn't just leave him on side of the road or kick him out of my car so I dropped him off at home and message uber and had an asthma attack from his cologne. He kept saying he sorry but he also followed by he shouldn't be apologizing not his fault. I made sure he back to San Leandro, and was heading home when it started pouring. That was when I saw the other guy and hoped that there would be somebody who would be there if I ever needed a favor such as that or if I was miserably was walking in the rain and they drove by snf saw me.. The final thought was it is Christmas after all, and so I was not going to be the Scrooge, so I gave it to the Divine plan.

+Eastmont mall where I have anxiety driving by there due to being held up at gun point 5 years ago, (when I started trans* sober living housing @ 7200 MacArthur,) and refused to give up my wallet as needed ID for plane to UT 2 day later to promote GIEC and the trans* SLE, and he was shocked i said no, especially since he appeared more scared of me and of the 2 trans woman who where with me (client and my asst. house manager- it was first of September after midnight and payday) as the gun was shaking and appeared to be a kid I did not think he'd ever actually shoot it, nor did if think he hit me with it; I refused unlike the other 2 and he and pistol whipped me across left cheek and ran off with their wallets and money for the month, so yes I was apprehensive.

***side note I got to meet Ms Billie Cooper when she moved into the house.- after everything I said I'd never move back to Oakland}