Speak Up, ACT Up, Save Lives

Step out of the fog, enjoy the sun rises, and live in the moment and day.

Thank you to every person who has challenged me, and dared me to better myself, thank you for every person to call me on my shit and helped keep me accountable. I'm humbled. I still take my inventory, continue to turn my defects into assets, and I keep moving forward first for myself and second as a thank you for the privilege and opportunities afforded to me. My life is a wonderful masterpiece and opus in the works. I am beautiful both inside and out.

Over last several weeks I feel into a depression and allowed myself to indulge  in some gender dysphoria as I found myself going back into surgery for a 3rd time (2nd time for breasts as they remove the original implants and replaced them due to them shifting). As a woman who deals with depression, and bipolar, BPD, etc I have used DBT to manage my my feelings and emotions because I choose with the support of my care team to not be on psych medicines, but I had to put into practice an alternative solution. I don't recommend it for everyone, I am just someone with horrible med adherence and so I learned new ways of coping that worked for me. However these skills became a challenge for me the last couple weeks and so I reached out to my roommate and boyfriend for help.

I love my life and where I have come and I would be remiss if I didn't say there was a time and period last couple weeks I wanted to kill myself for no other reason bit depression and getting caught in my own head. I have a very sordid past and love affairs when it comes to the need to no longer feel or be.  And like all bad romances sometimes one forgets the reason one left in the first time and like myself tends to to revisit and reromanticize the deadly seed or destruction or hangman's noose. I fell into thinking as I watched too many posts either about people committing, suicide (several I knew), talking about killing themselves and I began questioning is their hope for me. I am a recovering addict who more often has and does romanticize the use of drugs and sometimes I just want to give up.

I have that choice to end it but I don't have that right, because not only have I worked hard, overcame much, I have been afforded, gifted, and been privileged with much that some would do anything to get a fraction of the opportunities I have been given. I don't have a right to be selfish and end it consciously as I have been the recipient of services, surgeries, friendships, and hands up. I've made several poor choices which I can easily blame on others or circumstances but there isn't a poor choice that wasn't the bi product in one way or another of something that I had done to set the scene to begin with.

I am grateful for Berlin who helped me look in the mirror and remind me that I am beautiful during this time and night and day changing of my mind. One of my guiltless pleasures I allow myself to indulge in every few months.

I was challenged in my radical acceptance and self esteem and empowerment no less than 24 hours
When I received out of the blue at 4a while enroute to Oceanside series of text messages that easily could fueled my fire just days before.

(Each space represents a text)

Unk. Text: You're a fucking ugly whore. People like you are fucking beneath me.

You are a waste of fucking space in this world.

Me: Who are you

Unk. Text: You should just kill yourself.

Do yourself the favor.

Do the world a favor. Kill yourself.

Me: Sure I'll take the advice from someone is not even in my phone contacts

Unk. Text: It's not advice. It's the truth.

Just kill yourself. Keep using narcotics....

Because you can't stand the ugly whore of a bitch staring back you.

You couldn't stand the boy looking back at you...

Now you can't stand the bitch looking back at you.

Youre nothing....

Youre nothing....

Youre nothing....

Just a waste.... A sorry excuse of a human being.

Me:  sorry the only nothing is the how to hide behind a whole name. Because obviously you don't know me because I absolutely love Who I am and the reflection that I see in the mirror. I know who you're talking about but I don't listen to unknown.  I am more than you'll ever be. You're the only prick you need to grow up

Unk. Text: Do yourself the favor. Do us a favor. Just leave.

You're nothing babe. Completely nothing.

Me:  God bless you.

Turn everything. To keep praying for you. My life is absolutely amazing.

I'm everything

I just hope do you one day find that you are worth something as well and not just delusions

Because I love myself today I Know Who I am. & I hope that you can find who you are and learn to love yourself

** I am pretty sure I know who it is as I suffered the same dispairing display almost a year ago, and others traced the number. The fact I have learned to hold my head high and while far from perfect I have to look at life for at least 5 things in my life and as long as their is at least one thing to be grateful for (which there is always something to be grateful for) than I have no right to sacrifice the time, effort, concerns, work, services, and opportunity that I and others have invested in my life.

I'm tired of death, I'm tired of individuals using it as a tool for manipulation. We lost a dear person this week and a few others over last couple weeks. Aaron W. you will be missed.

A friend of mine has repeatedly blasted on Facebook about wanting to die, taking  bunch of pills, and using it to play on emotions and feelings. I had private conversations to no avail. I was told I was attacking and disrespectful. I am tired of people taking their life, I'm tired of people like myself thinking it is a solution. I was told in comments that if this individual did anything they would report it to police as they screenshot the post and said that I was a bully. The people who are bullies are the ones who coddle and enable  others to live in delusions, and come to the rescue quickly because they feel big bad Kat had bared her claws. I thought about my words all day, I wrote it, had someone proofread it and in a spirit that has been given to me to me countless times, I spoke up when no one else would.

Today I received phone calls saying thank you because to many people refused to speak up for fear of being labeled misogynistic and transogynistic. I have worn satin gloves long enough and while I refuse to hold my tongue for other friends I was doing an injustice to this one, especially who has had previously attempted to take their life.  I will not be silent for anyone, nor will I feel or beheld responsible for another especially if I speak up. This is not a popularity contest. This is a matter of life and death and I will and would rewrite this again for anyone. For those who say this isn't loving than check your privilege. No privilege was exercised in my letter. I am a trans* identified woman, who is HIV+, recovering addict, who is a survivor of multiple suicide attempts, and just grateful my life is worth living.

"Dear [omit name]

I have held my tongue and thoughts long enough.  I can no longer do so as your friend and sister. The reasons I have decided to speak after much consideration -- and to make this public rather than a private message -- is simply for the fact you have made your reasons public. I need to hold you accountable as your sister and family.

Feel free to delete me if you wish.  My silence will no longer allow you to cosign your self-entitled, attention seeking, self-loathing, and manipulating behaviors. That really is a vile and disgusting slap in the face to those who love you. I see you using a "poor me' I'm going to kill myself" as a ploy to fulfill your needs, wants and luxuries. I am aware that you are trans*, HIV+, living in an SRO, on Social Security, and a recipient of difficult to receive benefits. So what!  I want you to accept it, learn to live with it, and stop crying about it. Stop pretending and playing as if you're the only one whose reality is to deal with these things, bullshit. I was there myself. However, I continually chose to make changes in my life. I have had and still have a few people who help me get where I am today. For their combined work, time, and efforts I am grateful.  To not continue to improve on myself, would be slapping each person across their faces.  I need you to know there is so much I had to work for.  I learned to choose where I wanted money to go. And I learned the meaning of sacrifice.

I feel that you must stop dragging everyone down with your posts. Stop threatening to take your life. Stop taking pills. For you health and benefit I need you to just stop. I see that When you post harmful statements you're hurting the people who love and care about you.  I love you, so I can say You are selfish. Grow up. If you don't want your HIV pills because you want to kill yourself.  That is your decision. Take ownership of your problems.  Do not ask others to take on problems that arise from your decisions.  I don't think people should support you because of your immature decisions.

After I read your posts today, I finally reached my withholding point. I'm not going to defend you, your actions, your decisions, and your problems any longer.  I want you to decide to take charge of your life for the better. I'm not a cisgender person calling you out.  I'm calling you out when no one else is going to speak up. I don't care anymore what you think or not think. I love you and care about your life especially when you don't.  I recognize you are taking hostages, and as one of your hostages I'm speaking up for your collective hostages "we are tired of it." I myself took hostages at one time and it took people to speak out to me, and today I speak out to give you the same courtesy.

I hear you complain about poor me poor this, and how everyone is out to get you.  I noticed you treat people like shit every time you post what you post, and every time that you think people need to think what you think.  I have read your responses and you give no room for your support system to have any thoughts of their own.  I have seen that you want your system to match your thoughts.  Budget your money, stop complaining on Facebook and to everyone about how you look, feel, and yourself or self-centered use when you are willing to not do anything to fix it. I am not perfect either and have my own flaws

I speak to you as your friend, I've been there, others been there. But you are being a bitch, there are too many committing suicide and this not a FUCKING joking matter. I am sickened by your constant attitude. Take responsibility for YOUR poor choices. You Live in the best city for your ATV care, your trans care, for any carrier you need. Please stop throwing those services back. So many people would do anything they could to have to services and resources provided to them that you have.

In my opinion you have no business being a roadie captain if you're going to keep using your thoughts and words in a self harming manner.  I need you to be aware that you are basically slapping everyone in the face who works hard to come to accept and battle their HIV each and every day, to make a difference in the world, and their own lives.  I know how lucky you are that you've been afforded with, and offered opportunities to live.  Your posts have shown me you want to choose not to live. As your hostage I say No more coddling, no more talking about how much color swallowing, or that you want to kill yourself because we don't want to hear it.  I'm asking you, the person who has made many demands, to go speak to therapist if you have to want to help. if you don't that's your decision. I love and support you. You know where to come get it. Love is not playing games.  I refuse to continue playing and feel many others think that same way. Choose the love and support that is offered to you or don't. It is your choice.

I don't remain silent for other people I'm no longer remaining silent for you. And hopefully everyone else will see that these games you're playing is nothing more than a manipulation for you to get what you want at other peoples expense; if they want to continue that is up to them but I'm calling it like it is. I'm tired of people committing suicide. I'm tired of no help. I am tired of my friends using suicide as manipulation to put heartstrings. we were losing people daily. We just lost one this week and I can't handle it anymore.

With love,

Your sister Kat"

Silence is deadly. Speak up and Save Lives.

--1 (800) 273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week
Languages: English, Spanish
Website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

--Trans lifeline
US: (877) 565-8860           Canada: (877) 330-6366
Trans Lifeline is a 501(c)3 non-profit dedicated to the well being of transgender people. We run a hotline staffed by transgender people for transgender people. Trans Lifeline volunteers are ready to respond to whatever support needs members of our community might have.

--CHAT HOURS 24/7
CRISIS TEXT LINE
24/7 Confidential Support, Text MYLIFE to 741741

24 HOUR HOTLINES
Crisis Line: (415) 781-0500
HIV Nightline: (415) 434-2437 or 1-800-273-2437
Linea de Apoyo: (415) 989-5212 or 1-800-303-7432
Drug Information Line: (415) 362-3400
Relapse Line: (415) 834-1144
TTY: (415) 227-0245

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--HIV NIGHTLINE
OPEN 5 PM TO 5 AM EVERY NIGHT
Call 415/ 434-2437 or
800/ 628-9240 Nationwide

The HIV/AIDS Nightline responds to over 10,000 calls annually from all over the United States.  People call us for many reasons: people just testing HIV positive, people in later stages of AIDS feeling isolated and/or concerned about their medications, caregivers buckling under the stress of caring for a loved one at home, and people concerned about the HIV risks.  What makes the Nightline unique is our hours.  For people receiving their HIV test results after work at a clinic, to people just having a night of unsafe sexual exposure, the program is often the only resource open for immediate care.

PROGRAM HISTORY SINCE 1989

In 1989, a small group of San Francisco Suicide Prevention volunteers with AIDS recognized the great need for nighttime emotional support and counseling services for people living with the disease. They realized that nighttime emotional support is essential for people with HIV as medications and emotional stress often result in sleep disturbances, and that HIV-related emotional concerns such as anxiety, despair, loneliness, grief and suicidal ideation are at their peak during nighttime hours.

We’ve seen many changes in the HIV epidemic. In some ways, the issues our callers face have shifted dramatically, especially due to the hope resulting from improved treatment strategies.  What has not changed is fear. Today our clients face the fears of treatment failure, new health epidemics such as Hep C and cancer, and negotiating a new world of living with HIV. The Nightline is as necessary now as it was in 1989. We remain the only program of its kind in the United States.