Sunday, February 15, 2015
Friday, February 13, 2015
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Post Surgery Podcast 5
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Retreat, refocus, rethink, react
Retreat, refocus, rethink, react
I have an addiction problem, one that is more deeply rooted then drugs or alcohol. I put on masks as if im living a masquerade, I like to pretend Im strong that my life is okay. That I must quickly work through my emotions and I need to be better then depression. I tell myself I must be in control and I must be perfect because of my dreams, the goals in my life especially around careers. I must get through everything by myself because no one wants to hear about the hurt or what you are going through as they have their own problems. Funny thing is I dont know who I can turn to if I did need help as I dont have those relationships or connections with people. Creating boundaries or respecting boundaries I try to hard. Making friends tend to be hard because I tend to be akward socially and never have had role models and mentors. Funny thing is okay maybe its not funny my life is so uncomfortable as I dont know how to live without drugs or alcohol or anything else for that matter. My whole life had been about living a life of escape of some sort, and I am really trying to live a life that isnt about escape and I dont know how and I feel like I am going insane. I more comfortable in my skin however most dont know how to handle me so they dont try because in truth i dont know how to handle myself and most only see the past. It is not helping I work, minimally sleep, dont have time to clean my room or take care of basic needs as I make sure im going to meetings being completely recovery oriented. Being ADHD and a slew of mental health diagnoses. I feel like life has been sucked out of me. Recovery teaches me to live life on life's terms. The more I work my programs, do service etc the more uncomfortable I become and the more I feel I am in flight or fight. My disease tells me im a mess and also people will ever see is the addict me before I had skills and why bother changing. Im surrounded by many people and still feel like im the one odd one out ths t no one wants when it comes to pick teams.
We went off most psych meds, but reintroducing lamitical. While things are going well for me im feeling defeated andv font understand why. Im feeling list in the shuffle and scared about things and yet I can't Identify either. But im noticing more judgemental and temper. And why I have no plan nor desire to harm or kill myself the thoughts of jumping off the overpass keep popping up even though brief. Im wanting to escape and the vehicles that have made it possible before have been disabled. Maybe im doing everything right, and what sobriety and steps teaches me which I should have learned years ago has brought me to that akward overwhelming place and learning everything in less than a year period since working with this sponsor. Working multiple programs might not help but finding it is necessary. Mental health is hard to share with people, just as suicide and other things because most people tend to be busy with their own lives or they think you are just looking for attention. 32 years of living and just now re learning how to live.
Cry for help, everything is not okay, be strong is exhausting, Wish I knew what was wrong
Sometimes it feels like the serenity prayer will make it to the fourth step as it simply doesnt seem to work
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Relationships in Recovery:
The NA workbook is painstakingly thorough. Im grateful this part of my sobriety, after just completely the steps I asked my sponsor if we can do the steps again from the workbook this time. I did not know what I was getting myself into. I would not have been ready until now to do this and be thorough about my addiction. I told my Higher Power I wanted to get back into writing, this isnt what I meant....
I can not, nor will not, i realized be in a relationship with an addict who doesn't work a program, do the steps, work with a sponsor as my program for recovery, my solution won't allow it. Even in non relationships im told I hide behind my recovery. I don't hide I live it. I know what awaits me if I relapse. I realized as im doing my stepwork the thought of a partner relapsing when in a relationship scares me as I don't know if I'd be strong enough to not go out with my partner.
When I came to these rooms I had anger, resentments, stubborness, and thought I knew everything. I was newly diagnosed HIV+ within the last month. I went to meetings by freak chance after I stopped in the Castro Country Club for coffee and someone invited me into a meeting not knowing what it was, I went because I had nothing else to do. I shared how angry I was over last couple months and how Crystal destroyed my life. I found a sponsor or he found me. Still unsure what a sponsor was, I was sure I need a sponsor. At least I had met someone in the city. I half assed worked the steps as I got bored quickly and stopped doing step work and stopped going to meetings. I had gotten clean by myself and was doing a good job taken care of things in my will. After I hit a year meetings were fewer and far between until non existent. By the time 2 years was approaching I was putting feelers out manipulating the situation about looking for drugs and I found.
My stubborness and willfulness got me sober again without my program and I left for my film production to trip in 2012. And I was using and slamming meth and coke. More so the coke. I ruined by chances on a soap opera as i was still coming down 2 weeks from time production rolled around. I also allowed not having a program to work ruin relationships with people because i had to be the badass and full of resentments? Whats a fourth step? Then on the trip when I hit Iowa my disease of alcoholism took over and I drank like a fish to deal with people. One day I had enough and put the glass down. I was a social drinker right? But I did it myself again just stopped but I got a sponsor anyways when I got back to San Francisco.
Here I became willful again I knew what was good for me so I started to push my sponsor away because she made me face myself. She kept it real. I wanted an excuse to use. I went to meetings, worked the steps, half assed did service commitments and I was a mess and holding hostages. Therapy helped some, DBT was a godsend, but I creating wreckage and I did not know how to stop. So I got a new sponsor after treating the previous one like shit inadvertently not because I wanted to but I was afraid to take down my walls and She was breaking through and my defense mechanism from past abuse is to run and push people away. Psych meds were out of control as well. I got a new sponsor, worked with 4 sponsored started to be accountable to service and then I started getting bored and I let down my guard and I went out.
I was out and could not get more than a week clean. Did not help I was doing 40 different things, OD'd, and used because I beat myself up, then beat myself up for using and the cycle happened. It became about the ritual, the next high, filming it, romanticizing it, finding new ways to slam and making list of fetishes to incorporate slamming into. I became obsessed mentally over things and willing to cross every hard limit. I came back not because i wanted to but because I was worried about what others thought and that initial saved my life while creating resentments and apathy for a program, fellowship, people, and ultimately at myself. I blamed living in the tenderloin and my dealers living in my building, but I got sober in the tenderloin. The difference in my life today is I learned that my stubbornness was only going to get me killed or in jail, my will was no longer enough. I learned what surrender was to a power greater than myself, that I was broken and shattered, that I can not live without working and living a program of recovery daily in all aspects of my life, being of service, having three sponsors and learned through the program how to live life on life's terms. While I can not be an arbitrator of another's program or solution I know better than to settle. Ive come a long way. Ideally I want someone sober in my life but I refused to be unequally yoked in knowing what Promises guarantee and in serenity, peace, sanity and not being able to share the most intimate parts of my life that recovery brings me. Normies are nice but when knows. I am grateful for the gifts of recovery in my life. And the foundation I have today. It's hard to admit this. I would like to believe some people don't need the rooms, i actually do believe it. I just know me. A partner not making the rooms part of their life as an addict/alcoholic I would use it as an excuse not to go to meetings or work a program either. Maybe this isnt realistic, I don't know, I just know what I spent the last 5 hours thinking about and all I can do is surrender the rest to a Higher Powers Will. I say this as I get obsessive and controllng on how things should/need be in my life that its not always practical. I just know what I feel in this moment and that is my recovery comes first. Truthfully I think everyone regardless if they have an addiction problem or not should work the steps as it is helpful in lives, but me trying to describe the joy, love, healing and beauty working a program of recovery in its entirety is like describing colors to a blind person. It needs to be experienced.
Friday, August 15, 2014
You had me at hi -150 words
"You had me at hi," he said. "Really? Wait are you talking to me?" was the response. Here a tall beautiful blued eyed very good looking man stood in front of me, who cared about the blood all over his shirt. He stopped when I said hi, most just keep on walking. "Yes I am talking to you who else would I be talking to?" I looked around to see if anyone was around. "You have amazing eyes," I stated. "Thank you, you are simply beautiful yourself." I don't know if I'm starved for love but the hand hanging out of his messenger bag didn't bother me for some strange reason. "You are not from around here are you?" he asked inquisitively. "No I just moved here.'' "Hmmm, Well I'm throwing a party, I can introduce you to others?" "I'd like that." "My name's Hannibal." "Jessica." I'm a little short-handed"………
Silent Deadly Disease-- Robin Williams did not Kill himself
#Breakingthestigma
#Voicesthatcare
#sufferinginsilence
#Breakthesilence
#Letthewallsfalldown
the following blog link is not of my authorship but a piece a think all should read. note after this was posted on Facebook also found out he had Parkinson's Disease
http://popchassid.com/robin-williams-didnt-kill/
God said love your enemy
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Al-anon Ah-ha moment
In Al-anon we learn to accept the things we cannot change (the alcoholic) and change the things we can (ourselves). To recover we have to learn to keep the focus on ourselves. [Insert whatever qualifiers for alcoholic].... By letting go of the illusion of control over other people, their actions, and their addiction to Alcohol, we find an enormous burden is lifted and we begin to discover the freedom and the power we do possess- the power to define and live our own lives- Unmanageability lessens. We begin to see the paths to our own recovery......
Pg 9-10 Paths to Recovery — reading Paths to Recovery Al-anon's steps, traditions, and concepts.