cloud

Real Intent. Is about being open and honest with what I want in life. Life is a daily battle for me as I live with a disease greater than HIV and that of being an alcoholic and addict. I wish I can blame my slump on the holidays but I have been battleing suicide and mental health for years and its not something anyone understands. I push people away because of it and afraid to let people get close on top of having intimacy problems. I push people away because I am afraid I will ultimately hurt people. I want to live but I want to die too. I dont know who true friends are and feel most people do initial lip service and run away when my lifee gets tough or when i really need them however i dont help in pushing away . very few have not allowed me to push them away which I am grateful for.  I am living in a dazed cloud about life, work, friends, relationships ands such. How can I reconcile my life and have people understand me when I cant understand myself. I am grateful for therapy and finally working on the the trauma and my past. Now I am dealing with an eating disorder where i can barely eat and have to force myself and try not to throw up in the process, my body is fatiguing again and I am tired but for my family, for me I keep on keeping on, as I need to live as long as I can so they dont suffer. I cant even think to right so with that I am of to bed if the craziness below outside and the craziness in my head lets me sleep I am tired sleepwise but have a hard time sleeping