Day 1-9 post surgery February 19,

Day 9. Today I find myself taking life passionately sucking the nectar of life,  and celebrating the inner goddess. Carpe Diem (with a resounding battle cry YAWLP) Last night I sketched for the first time in a long time and did a Tom of Finland for my boys. Today I find myself emotionally charged when it comes to people making judgements on others when they do not know their back story just going off what they see. Today I see the beauty of life precious and bask in a non drug induced nirvana. The power within just radiates and continues to only get stronger, and becomes more focused in clarity and wisdom. I'm healing well and occasionally get the jolts of electricity along the seams as the stitches dissolve and the body mends.

I'm in my sweats today, comfortable,  but sweats mean no judgement, when I learned the importance of self care especially in early sobriety sweats became a ground and tool I was not allowed to judge myself. But glad to be extra nice to myself.

Had a nice meeting with Madame Steele finally synergy on some home fronts and the tempest should die now and diffusion is under way.

I'm hungry who wants to do dinner

Day 8. Finally got out bed took a shower and now back in bed lol. Yet to make it to the couch. I'm walking okay, doing well, mentally, spiritually, and physically do well all things considering but I'm feeling helpless. It's funny how independent you realize you are when you are left depending on the kindness, generosity and time of others. I need to rely on people to take me places since I don't have a car, nor am I allowed to take public transportation (unless as last resort) for a few weeks until bruising heals and I'm not fatiguing by the the stimuli of being out. Wish I had a vehicle. Meetings are limited in going, and errands and Dr appointments.  I need to go grocery shopping as no food in the house. Creating a care calendar bore no fruit as to help with these needs. It's hard to ask for help as well. 

Company is nice just need low key and calm.

Other than this as soon as I get out of bed and transfer to the couch I need to do some writing. Transfer a lot of things to my blog and youtube. It's another great day just fatigued

Day 7 Did I really just have surgery a week ago? Other than the occasional pain,  and fatiguing pretty easy it is as if nothing changed,  and that is amazing as someone who was living her life to begin with. One thing i haven't taken into account, until now when it come to my recovery is I am HIV+ and I need to spend even more time resting because I it is going to take even longer for me to heal. Getting out is great and all but I push myself harder than I should. I should not have been out this weekend. Stephan Steffanides came over to clean my place as a way just because he wanted b to help out. We tackled my bedroom and closet.  Went through all my papers. Threw away a lot of stuff,  he was a godsend.  I'm trying to fine my birth certificate and my IPad both which are mia. I really need visitors to keep me from going stir crazy. Meetings would be nice brought here as I'm limited on one's to attend without being picked up at the moment.  Being picked up for a meeting tonight. Still looking for help with meals and waiting for temp disability to kick in can't keep ordering delivery.  Just ordered grubhub.  I realize I'm limited on comfortable clothing for this recovery process.  Skirts, sweats and such and loose shirts I need to find. Pants are too tight.

I'm relaxing on the couch watching Mulan for the couple hundredth time when I have a whole list of movies watch I haven't seen.

Anyone have an entertainment center they are looking to get rid of,  mine is about to collapse.nA desk and book case in search of as well.

Positive Affirmation. I love the reflection in the mirror inside and out,  once I Became true to my heart,  and begin loving myself the whole self I was allowed to unlock life's gifts and blessings for my life. I have been able to find freedom and found how to live authentically without the need to hide. I endured and traveled through darkness, and what I thought to be the fires of hell, when I asked the Divine for a light I found myself sour out not in darkness but communities of support and love as the fires were simply of the refiner and I was simply being smoothed and polished from my self perceived jagged and blemished self. These blemishes and imperfections were neither as I was created and mined in perfection, just had to be willing to open my eyes to see both the raw and the polish I have always been beautiful.

Day 6: Good Morning.  Last Night was my worst night since surgery. I'm literally waddling. There is a lot of pressure,  thankfully the packaging comes out in a couple hours with the catheter. Drenched from night sweats, I was too cold without blankets and too hot with. Well I have had my first major surgery. Other that nothing could be more perfect

#@&#*!@! Okay slight pain shift banged my foot on the wooden aquarium cabinet in a quick hobble to bathroom. It must be Monday

The last 6 days Have Been the easiest and simplest time in my life. All I had to do was surrender. I've been through worse pain in the last 32 years of my life than in the last 6 days of synergy and freedom. Pain relatively nothing.  I grew up among the thorns as a rose bud waiting to bloom. Every day since last Tuesday I made decisions that allowed me to remain clear headed unabashed by drugs or mind altering substances. I gave my self the gift of being present during the process which wasn't easy to do but it was and is amazingly rewarding in itself. The pain was manageable because my life had become manageable before this and was a process and act of love over the last year and so. I Crack jokes but I'm experiencing many first times that feel strange, new, exciting, inquisitive but more natural than the 32 years leading up to this. Maybe it's the just being blessed with the right mind set or maybe it's the newness but I have never felt more connected to my Heavenly Father and Divine as I do now. I feel balanced and at peace,  and interconnected with the world around me. My senses are opened and heighten and the third eye is awake. I'm a kid at Christmas but a woman empowered in duality and today I am alive

Day 5. Restless night. Motrin and ice did not quite suffice. Find out  this morning a lot more bruising. I know the body is just healing. I've been doing OTC 400 MG every 4-6 hours wondering if that is to low of a dose.  Surviving with out Dilatin or morphine, I got this. Pain is relatively manageable. Grateful that I'm putting my sobriety first. The say this hurts.less than a beast augmentation. We will just have to see won't we. The packaging inside about all 27 feet  of it and the catheter is truthfully the most uncomfortable thing, pressure is the real enemy. It all comes out tomorrow thankfully.  

Mentally I'm doing amazing and it feels like the most natural thing I have ever done. I'm grateful. Somewhat exhausted today and that is okay.

Today was a beautiful day.  Took it easy and now down for the evening. Beautiful brunch thank you Deborah, Schon, Irish, and the gang for inviting us. Spent the day with Christopher Raisbeck and it was a great afternoon of interconnectedness. He had to run to Berkeley to retrieve something, and so we talked,  laughed, interconnected,  and he was a true nursemaid. Words can't describe today and let's just say sacred. I bought a Mr Coffee Keurig as a post surgery gift and house warming. I was taken to whole foods for some holistic approach with healing,  and gifted with a trip to the Sacred Well and bought some tools for my altar.  I haven't added anything to my altar in, quite some time, and blessed to add some things to represent new beginning and to preserve my legacy and duality. Paid the PG&E and Comcast.  And paying the cell and 3 weeks of rent a center.  That leaves me with about 200. Grateful for the gifts of the Divine and Life design

Day 3 So I am awake. For awhile im just have to get used to sleeping intermittently. In about 4 hours all my dressing gets removed. And then the revealing. Regardless there is no going back,  but 27 years later I think I'm okay with that.  Removing the dressings, and packing should help decrease the pain as I'm packed tighter than a suitcase going to IMsL/IML. I'm grateful to have recovery time in sobriety underneath me as we talk about not doing any substantial life changing or life altering moves in the first year.  Lord knows I did my fair share as it is. I don't recommend this surgery in your first year,  I don't recommend it until one could find out what it truly means to love ones self and find that inner happiness.  The pain alone at times could easily move you to thoughts of using,  and to use would cheapen the experience and also create a nest to birth regrets and animosity towards one self. This is one of my miracles of sobriety,  or doesn't change who I am,  but it respects the creator within and is celebratory Of a long process and a beautiful journey. So now I lay here and try to go back to sleep.

Day 1 day of surgery

Thank you Heavenly Father, for loving me, supporting me, carrying me in my valleys. You have brought me to the mountain top and I have been privileged in seeing the humanness of life In all people. I'm grateful for being a recovering addict, experienced homelessness, and I'm grateful for being given the opportunity to choose this journey in the pre-existence and being a special angel and witness of love and hope to those around me especially in the LDS Community. Thank you Divine Father for my life, my wholeness and the ability to love and be loved. Thank you for the allowing me to be a bridge builder within the Mormon Church and have my faith be all encompassing serve my communities as an interfaith chaplain of love and peace.  Good night. I am one of the lucky ones.  Thank you for a supportive family,  and my communities and tribes that complete me.

Blessings of peace, light,  healing and gratitude I send as a gate keeper and light worker into the universe. May I be gifted with the ability to continue be the miracle in my sobriety, being present for myself and for other addicts and people as a whole. In honor of the Holy Family, Heavenly Father,  Mother God, Lord Immanuel I ask for comfort and shroud of protection for your hand maiden and witness over my mind, body and spirit. 

Blessed be, Namaste Good Night

Katerina du Lac, the Phoenix Rising